A Guy Thing Page #3

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- Oh, my God.|- It's bad.

What's going on up here?

- Paul's not feeling well.|- Stuck on the crapper?

Yeah! Do you think|I can get some...

...privacy, please?

Better.

How about some|peach cobbler, everybody?

I'd kill for some diarrhea.

I haven't had|a bowel movement in 14 days.

We'll see you guys in a bit.

- Better hide the silver.|- I'll walk you to your car.

I'm so disappointed|that you didn't see Paul.

I'll meet Paul later this week.

Definitely.|I'm so sorry about all this.

- Good night.|- Good night, Becky.

How are you feeling?

OK, I guess.|Is everyone gone?

You missed the whole party.

Too bad.|I'm starting to feel better.

It's better you get sick now|than on Saturday.

That's exactly right.

I just hope|it's out of my system now.

Typical. Forgot my purse.

Becky! Here he is!

This is Paul,|my husband-to-be.

Hi, Becky. Nice to meet you.

So nice to meet you, Paul.

I've heard so much about you.

All lies, I'm sure.

Probably.

You look so familiar.

I get that all the time.

Right?

- You do?|- Yeah.

I'll see you this weekend.

Can't wait. OK.

Nice to meet you.

So that's Cousin Becky?

Yeah.|She's gotten so weird.

No, that's mean.|She's so all over the place.

One week|she's working here...

the next week,|she's working there.

Now she's working at some|record store on Broad Street.

I do feel sorry for her, though.

How come?

Her ex-boyfriend, Ray Donovan.|What a psycho.

It's amazing how fragile|the human body is.

- Don't you think?|- Yes, sir.

Shut the f*** up!

Come on, Ray.|Guy just stole a doughnut.

That's where it starts, Ernie!

How you doing?

Well, hello, fellas.

Ray.

Special delivery.

That's a little disheartening.

No, no, no!

You did not sleep|with her cousin.

I didn't know|she was her cousin.

Why would you sleep with anyone?

When you have Karen,|who's so stunning...

and witty and delectable...

and has|those little dimples...

- Pete.|- What? You are a moron!

How is it? Is it smoking?

If you don't love it...

I have double-breasted white one|sitting on the runway.

Talk about a burning-hot look!

Ahmed, that's fine.|This is great.

- Thanks.|- Word.

Anyway, she was cool about it.

Was she drunk?

- What do you mean?|- Wait till she's drunk.

Next Thanksgiving or Christmas.

This Saturday|at your wedding...

after she's had|four gin and tonics...

and she steps up|to the microphone...

and tells the whole world.

That's not gonna happen.

"Everyone,|your attention please.

"I think you should know...

"that Karen's husband Paul|nailed me last Saturday.

"We had hot sex|and I'm carrying his child.

"Thank you for listening.|Please return to your entrees."

That's not gonna happen.

How are we doing in here,|superstars?

Great, Ahmed! How about it?

I go now.

Right on.

Excuse me, sir?

There's nothing for you|in that stack.

Let me help you with that.

No, I got it. It's OK!

Sorry.

What does that mean...

"There's nothing for you|in that stack"?

That stuff's too advanced.

You're saying I'm not advanced?

No, I'm just saying I know where|you are musically right now...

and it's not in that stack.

Frankly, I'm not really sure|it's in this store.

Really? When did you|become the music expert?

Since Tuesday, Mr. Shiny Shoes.

Wait.|Look, I came by to...

Apologize|for the other night.

And for never mentioning that|you were marrying my cousin!

I didn't know. I'm sorry.

No, don't apologize.

You were amazing.

Well, thank you.

I don't normally sleep|with a girl and then...

Paul, right?

The funny thing is|we didn't sleep together.

We slept together,|but we didn't sleep together.

We didn't?|So I'm not amazing?

I couldn't say.

But for the record,|you were cute.

If things were different|and you hadn't passed out...

with your pants|around your ankles, who knows?

If we didn't sleep together,|how did I get crabs?

- You got crabs?|- You gave me crabs.

I do not have crabs!

You don't have crabs?

God, no.|But if I do get crabs...

I will hunt you down|and kill your crabby ass.

Then how did I get them?

I don't know.|Maybe a toilet seat?

Hey, Paul!|Congratulations, man.

Yeah!

Really, that happens?

We saw it a lot in the lab.

- The lab?|- Long story.

She's hot.

Listen, I'm just hoping...

We'll know each other|for the rest of our lives...

I won't say anything.

You say that now,|but what if...

I'm not going to screw up|what you and Karen have.

You are perfect for each other.

That's right. We are.

Why do you say that?

God, you are exhausting.

Buy this. You'll like it.|Trust me.

Record store?

I thought|she was a tiki dancer.

She's just so cocky,|you know?

I know music.|Come on, I see bands.

Why does she think she knows me?

She doesn't|know anything about me.

I'm cool.

I wear on-the-edge clothing|and hip stuff.

Hang on.

Hi, I'm Jim.

OK.

What's up with that clock?|It still says 10 after 5.

Dude, that clock doesn't work.|Never has.

A**hole!

Yes, that's it.

- I'm sorry I'm late.|- Finally.

There was a lot of traffic.

This is our last lesson,|and you are 45 minutes late.

Look at everybody else.|They're better than us.

All right, let's go.

Sorry.

I hope everybody noticed|Karen and Paul.

They are a textbook example|of what not to do.

Karen, would you mind?

This shouldn't be a chore.|Have fun out there.

Let go. Enjoy yourself.

Come on, Howard.

This time, I'm Karen,|and I want to feel your joy...

as you fling me|around that dance floor.

- OK?|- OK.

Good. I am your lady...

and you be my man.

Karen, music please.

Prepare.

One, two, three...

Good, good.

Very good. That's it.

Watch the pretty lady|as she dances around.

And yes, and yes.

That's it.

We're flying, Paul.|Can you feel it?

Everybody!

That's it. Good.

That Howard...

he is so damn graceful,|isn't he?

He's a dance instructor.|It's his job.

I just mean,|a guy with his frame...

you don't see it coming,|and then...

something magical happens|out on that dance floor.

Paul, seat belt.

People surprise you,|is all I'm saying.

Did you book the string quartet?

I was thinking,|maybe we should do...

something like a band.

String quartet?

I don't know if|that's really our thing.

A band,|playing music we like.

It's a little bit lighter...

Or we could stick with|the string quartet.

Jump out. Chop, chop.

I'll go find a spot.

Great.

Hey, lollipop!

Whoa, easy. Breathe.

Just a little wind|knocked out of you.

There you go.|Bad news, sports fan.

You picked the wrong guy's girl|to fornicate with!

What?

I'm a cop,|and Becky belongs to me.

I think there's a mistake.

Really?|Because I had her followed...

and the tail came back|with these photos...

and those skinny arms,|concave chest...

kind of looks like you,|don't you think?

No.

Sh*t!

All these sugary snacks!

Would you actually put|this stuff in your body?

OK. All right.

You made the biggest mistake|of your life...

when you messed|with my girl, cupcake.

And mistakes have consequences.

Help! Please, somebody!

Hello.

Today is your lucky day.

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