A Haunted House
Why isn't this
stupid thing workin'?
See, that's that bullshit.
I'm taking this sh*t
right back to Best Buy.
Or not.
Stupid lens cap.
Wow!
Brand-new camera.
I'm filming
everything with this.
Christmas, New Year's,
vagina.
All right.
Today is the big day.
My girlfriend
Kisha's moving in.
Now, all my boys
keep telling me,
"Don't do it, don't do it,
"because everything's
gonna change.
"She's gonna take
over your house.
"She's never
gonna cook again.
"And worst of all,
"you're putting
your dick in jail."
I think they're trippin'.
Once she moves in,
everything's gonna
be perfect.
Place looks nice.
Baby boy cleaned up
for you, huh?
Oh, sh*t!
Rosa!
Hey, you gotta
announce yourself.
You can't just
creep up on me.
Aw, come on.
This is my
housekeeper, Rosa.
Say hi. Say hi.
Say hi!
Hi! Hola.
Say "Hola." Hola.
Bye-bye!
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
Do this.
Oh!
I'm a big bambino?
You know I love you.
Hey, Shiloh!
Say hi to Mommy.
I'm gonna hump you
on your leg, Kisha.
That's right.
And I'm gonna lick you
all over your face
with my dog-ball mouth.
Oh, sh*t.
Here she comes.
Hi, baby!
Hey, baby! Hi!
No, no, Shiloh!
Wait! No, no, no, no!
Shiloh! What did you do?
I didn't see him!
What did you do?
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God!
Shiloh, come on, breathe.
Maybe he's
just playing dead.
He doesn't know
how to play dead.
He knows how to shake hands.
He knows how to fetch.
He knows how to roll over.
He don't know
how to play dead.
Come on, Shiloh, breathe.
One, two, three.
Breathe.
Aww!
Give me
the jumper cables.
The jumper cables?
Give me
the goddamn jumper cables!
Don't you die on me!
Start the car!
Clear! Go!
Oh, sh*t!
Meet me at the hospital!
The hospital's that way!
Don't go towards
the light, Shiloh!
You're in
a better place now, buddy.
I'm so, so sorry.
It's okay, baby.
It's...
It's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
You know, look...
Look on the bright side.
I'm allergic to dogs.
I know, but that's what
was so great about Shiloh.
He was hypoallergenic.
Shiloh!
Oh, my God!
Look at all this sh*t.
Okay, Malcolm,
this is the last box.
What's with the camera?
I'm documenting
our lives together.
Say hi.
Hi! Okay. Mmm.
That ass
lookin' nice, baby.
Hey, hey.
Pan up, pan up.
I see that.
Baby, you are officially
a hoarder.
I swear to God, I'm gonna
open one of these boxes
and find, like, a dead cat
and an old
baloney sandwich in it.
Ha, ha, ha.
Very funny.
Oh, my God.
Do you need these?
Yes! These are...
For what?
These are good
wedding shoes!
One to 10, what are you
Um, 8.7.
What do you
feel about that?
Nine. Nine.
No, wait! Come on. Come on.
What's this? Hold on.
This is a box that my aunt
brought from Kenya.
This is a nine, too.
Oh, my God!
Hi, my name is Kisha Davis,
and I'm a hoarder.
There's shame.
Oh, wow.
Are these
your daddy's ashes?
Yes, Malcolm.
They go where I go.
So, we're gonna
have his ghost
watching over us?
Just put him in
the other room.
He's dead.
What's he gonna watch?
American Horror Story?
Okay, babe,
these video games,
they have to go.
Wait. Leave my
video games alone.
They're tacky.
- I'm not gonna break it.
- Give me my camera!
"Negra?"Did she
just call me a n*gger?
What? What?
I will lambada your ass!
English! English!
Speak English!
Baby. Baby. Baby!
You know she
don't like me, right?
Oh, I know
what's going on here.
You got some
Schwarzenegger stuff
going on in here, right?
Really?
Yeah, okay, yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna
have a nappy-haired baby
that speaks perfect Spanish.
Come on.
Think about it.
Okay.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hungry there, buddy?
Mm-hmm.
You're over there eating
like the Cookie Monster.
Can I just enjoy
my food, please?
Wow. Somebody's crabby.
I'm sorry.
I'm just tired.
I haven't been sleeping well.
I keep hearing these noises.
Scary.
Well, you don't have
to be afraid, okay?
'Cause you're
living with me now.
And nobody's gonna
hurt you on my watch.
Okay?
Okay.
Unless the n*gger
got a gun.
Then you on your own.
What?
Hey, baby, what you doin'?
Well, it's time to
put on something
a little more comfortable.
Aha! That's what
I'm talkin' about!
Fellas,
get out your pen and pads.
We about to give
you a sex tutorial.
Let's do this.
Mmm. Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, you got the beat!
Oh! Stop.
Stop. Not yet. Not... Ahh!
You gonna bring
a friend there, huh?
Ah. Ah.
Uh-huh? Watch that.
Uh-huh.
Now you get some, yeah.
Watch. Watch.
Ah, taste that.
Look at Daddy. Uh-huh.
Two dogs, one duck.
Get it nasty.
You nasty.
Go home.
I want you by myself. Yeah.
Shh.
Oh. Oh, sh*t!
That's still hot!
Shut up. Take it.
You just take it.
Take it, take it, take it.
Baby!
Yeah, baby?
I cannot believe
this is our first night
living together!
Yeah. It's nice, huh?
Uh-huh.
I can't wait to
lie next to you.
Oh, me, too.
Gotta go, baby.
It was fun.
Whoo!
Get in.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Here I come!
Okay, honey.
Baby, you are
the sexiest woman...
What the hell?
You know, Malcolm,
not everybody goes to bed
looking like a supermodel.
Apparently not.
You know?
Besides,
what is wrong
with my outfit?
Nothin',
if you lived in a box
underneath the freeway.
What?
Come on!
Hold the sign up,
please?
Can I go to bed?
No, you gotta
get the joke first!
Come on.
All right.
Okay, fine.
Okay. I'm ready.
All right. Go ahead.
Spare change?
You stupid!
I love you.
Good night.
God!
How could someone
so cute be so stink?
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Oh, really?
Oh, God!
What crawled up
your ass and died?
Sh*t!
Really?
You ain't
allowed to move in here
and do this sh*t.
Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm.
Ugh!
Aah!
It's alive! What?
Oh! Oh! Oh, f***!
Oh!
I heard that.
So, we didn't
have sex last night.
Kisha didn't cook,
and she killed my dog.
But other than that,
I guess this moving-in thing
is gonna be pretty cool.
Malcolm! Malcolm!
What's up?
My keys are on the floor.
Okay.
Malcolm.
What?
Something weird
is going on here.
If you mean
something weird
like you farting
in your sleep,
yes, there is.
No, no.
I think we have a ghost.
A ghost?
Yeah, okay.
No, you have a ghost
in your ass.
I wanna bring a psychic
to tell us what's going on.
A psychic?
Ah, come on, Kish.
That's ridiculous.
Look, I'll tell you
what's going on, okay?
Some neighborhood kid
came in here,
stole something
out of your purse,
and then he left...
No. See, if anyone
is stealing anything,
it is you-know-who, okay?
Hey, girl!
Okay, we have no idea
what she's doing
when we're not here.
Why is she
always wearing gloves?
Okay, fine.
I'll take care of it.
Guilty.
Hey, I'm Dan
the Security Man.
Hey, how you doin'?
Nice to meet you.
Hey, I'm sorry, buddy.
I didn't see you back there.
That's my associate, Bob.
Actually, he's my brother.
He's a simple...
He used to
play in the dryer.
We turned it on once.
1 fan
Submitted on August 05, 2018
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"A Haunted House" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 18 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/a_haunted_house_1925>.
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