A Haunted House Page #2

Whoa, whoa!

Hey, yo,

you better back up!

What's the problem?

We're here to

install cameras.

Yeah.

Not to be filmed

on camera.

'Cause I'm doing

my own reality show.

Well, I'm not

signing anything.

And I can't write.

He can't write.

Blur this out.

Mosaic.

Okay.

What is he doing?

Is the owner home?

You're talking to him.

Yeah, right!

Wow.

Oh. Wow. Okay.

All right. Now, that camera

covers your entire backyard.

It's cool.

Let's say you and the missus

are having

a pool party, right?

You know, you're grilling up

some fried chicken,

probably some ribs.

Hot wings,

some pig knuckle,

strimps.

You know,

maybe some corn bread.

I'd say watermelon,

but that might

be racist, right?

Corn bread was

pretty close.

Not really.

Country folks

eat corn bread.

Can I say it?

You talking

about the "N" word?

Yeah.

No. It's not appropriate.

I see.

Are you...

Is he serious?

You can call me

a cracker.

I don't want to.

I just want...

Let me say it.

If you say it, I'm going to

punch you in your face.

Anyway...

Wow.

Maybe later things

get a little freaky.

You and the

old lady in the 'cuzzi,

buck naked, right?

Little Black Mamba's

ready to strike.

That camera will

catch all of it.

Nice!

So, all you gotta do,

go upstairs,

clickity-clack

on the computer,

beat off to the highlights.

Yeah.

Holler!

Holler!

Do it.

No.

Holler!

Are you really gonna

make me do this here?

Camera Guys.

Holler!

Got you all tied in.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, just hit

the space bar, the mouse,

you flash from the kitchen.

Mm-hmm?

Entryway.

Backyard.

Living room.

I even tied in the webcam.

Nice.

Yeah.

Oh, I like that.

That's cool.

Here's something

you wanna think about.

You can remote

access these things

from wherever you are.

I can set that up if you want.

Just give me your pass code.

No. Not gonna happen.

Good choice.

Nice try.

But you could set that up

if you want to.

You're out of town

on a business trip,

you might wanna

check up on the missus,

make sure she's safe.

Right.

Or whatever she's doing!

Yeah.

You know,

girls, they like to have

a girls' time when

you're out of town.

And why wouldn't they,

you know?

You don't

expect things like...

You know, she's

spread eagle on the floor,

banging the mailman.

"Special delivery!"

Not on our bed!

You dirty bird!

In front of the dog!

Is he serious?

Oh, the dog's so upset!

I mean, you know,

you're at a security

convention in Albuquerque

screaming at the top of

your lungs at a Quality Inn!

I remember Albuquerque.

You can't scratch your way

through the camera!

Kinda reminds me,

I gotta mail out some bills

before the

end of the month.

Uh, it's okay, man.

It's okay.

Bobby, you better not

be recording.

Uh, Bobby?

Yeah, I got

the whole thing.

Don't do this sh*t

in my house.

It's okay. Okay.

All right. I understand.

Okay.

Why are you installing

all these

security cameras anyway?

Uh, we may have

a burglar.

Or a ghost.

A burglar.

Ghost.

Well, it just so happens

I have my own ghost hunter

reality show.

Do you wanna know

what it's called?

I got one, too.

Wild guess, American Ghost?

Wrong!

Ghost Guys.

It is trademarked,

so don't get

any funny ideas.

I definitely won't.

All right. See ya.

Yeah!

You know they're

shooting porn in there.

Really?

No way he owns it.

Malcolm, what is that?

Well, I paid those

camera guys all this money

and they left a big-ass

blind spot inside the hallway.

So you decided to

break my fan and rig up

this ridiculous camera?

Yep.

Call me "Nigyver."

Wow.

Cool.

All right, baby.

Come on.

All right.

All right.

- I'm so hungry.

- Me, too. Starving.

Okay, Rosa.

We're leaving.

Buenas tardes, senores.

Okay.

It's crazy, right?

These stupid motherfuckers

don't think I speak English!

Hmm.

Yo, I got a nice pool.

You want to come on down?

Yeah, we got a Jacuzzi.

Que pasa?

Ay, Dios mio!

Whoo! Dios mio!

Whoo!

Hey, Rosa. We're back.

Hola!

Ah!

Si!

Yo tambien.

I don't know

what you saying.

Mm-hmm!

- Baby!

- What?

Look at how

she's swimming.

Hey, Steve.

Steve, look.

Check this out.

Black girl don't like

getting her hair wet.

Hey, hey, hey!

Malcolm, cut that sh*t out!

Just got my hair did.

You know that.

You're looking

good over there, baby.

Hey, show us your tits.

What?

Show us your tits!

Whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no, no!

I knew she would do it.

You like that?

No, no. That was awkward.

Oh, yeah? But did you

like it a little bit?

They're cockeyed.

Yeah, I know.

One's bigger

than the other one.

That way you can

have a favorite.

Baby?

- No!

- Whoo!

Your head's

gonna get pregnant!

Let's do reverse.

Wow, man, I am loving

this camera of yours.

This is really cool.

I bet you're shooting

all kinds of extracurricular

activities with this camera.

Actually, I'm not.

You aren't?

None.

You're not?

You know, ever since

Kisha moved in,

I haven't seen

no parts of the vagina.

No!

It's like she moved in,

and her vagina

moved out the same day.

You gotta be kidding me!

Yeah.

That makes me angry.

Not as angry as

it makes my penis.

Well, I am angry

for your penis.

Mr. Happy is

not so happy.

Oh, that's infuriating.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, man.

It makes me very upset

to hear that.

But you know,

there is something

you can do

to spice it up

if you want to.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

What?

Well, you know how, like,

if you get tired

of driving your car,

you might

test-drive a new car?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe you would

even let somebody else

drive your car

for a little while,

you know?

Get a whole new

appreciation of your vehicle

when you do that.

Are you talking about

swapping girlfriends?

- What? No!

- Excuse me?

Oh, wow!

I don't know where you

were goin' with that!

Oh, wow!

I was talking about cars!

My bad.

You would never do it?

I would absolutely

never do it.

Me neither.

Me neither.

What kind of pervert

does that?

That's what you

would have to be.

It takes a pervert

to swap girlfriends.

You never have done it,

and you never would, huh?

No, Steve.

Even if you got drunk enough

or something like that?

Like, you might have a few

too many drinks and say,

"Why not?

Let's give it a try,"

if there was a couple

that was into it.

No.

No. Yeah, me neither.

That's how I feel.

But even, like, maybe

if you got a little high,

maybe on a Saturday night

or something like that,

and you were like...

Even then.

Yeah. Like, even if

this couple was, like,

up for anything

and raring to go,

and she was hot to trot,

like, a hot, hot lady.

It wouldn't matter.

You wouldn't do it, right?

N*gger, no.

Same here.

We're in agreement.

It's crazy to swap

girlfriends like that.

I am with you 100%.

Steve, want a beer?

Hey, babe, did you

tell Steve we have a ghost?

We don't have a ghost.

A ghost?

Yeah.

Awesome.

We don't have a ghost.

No, Jenny, it's not cool.

We don't have a ghost.

You thought it

was cool in college.

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