A Haunted House Page #3

We did a seance

and everything!

A seance?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

You did a seance?

Yes.

Honey, it's college.

You do a lot of silly stuff.

Yeah.

Like that time we

got drunk and made out.

Oh, it's all hazy.

You know, college,

it's like a big fog.

We're gonna talk

about these college days.

Yeah, yeah.

A hazy, sexy fog,

it sounds like.

Wouldn't it be great if

we all spent the night?

Together?

Well, that's an

interesting idea.

What do you think

of that, Malcolm?

- A naked sleepover?

- No.

No?

It's weird.

Yeah, but it's definitely

gonna be weird.

But are you saying

weird good or weird bad?

Weird bad, Steve.

Okay.

All right, you guys.

It's been real.

Listen,

I know a great psychic

if you need one.

Okay.

He told me

I'd be surrounded

by big, black spirits

in my near future.

Vaginas crossed.

Yeah, okay.

Right? Goodbye!

Well.

Listen, before we go,

I just wanna talk to

you about something,

'cause Jenny's got

a birthday coming up.

I wanna do something real

special for her, you know.

I was thinking maybe you could

invite a couple of guys over,

like your cousin Ray-Ray,

maybe?

that he hangs out with,

you know?

Jamal, and Hakim,

and Anforny, you know?

Just the six of us, right?

We'll have some fun.

We'll double stuff

the Oreo a little bit, huh?

Dirty up the white snow?

Black poles, white holes.

You know, maybe all pile on

the little white rabbit,

right, you know?

Are you talking

about a mandingo party?

What? A what?

Excuse me!

I mean, I'm really,

uh, not into that.

But if you're into that...

Um, I'm...

Well, we might be able

to work something out

Hey, buddy, I mean...

Okay, bye, Steve.

Oh!

Oh, wow.

That's beautiful.

Okay, Jenny.

Okay, honey, come on.

Come on, honey, come in.

You're lucky.

She is luckier.

Bye, guys. Bye!

All right.

Okay. All right.

I think

Jenny and Steve

are swingers.

You think? Wow.

This looks like

a ghetto Rite Aid.

Wrong Aid.

Oh, sh*t!

Did somebody shave a yeti?

Very funny.

I shaved my legs.

With what,

a weed whacker?

Wow. That's like

Apollo Creed's chest hairs.

That is crazy.

Oh! Hey!

Malcolm, come on!

Dude, turn that off.

Get out of here.

You got to close this.

Stop it!

I'm claustrophobic, okay?

Yeah? Well,

I'm ass-trophobic.

You know what, Malcolm?

What?

Love it or leave it, okay?

Here. Here.

Take it, okay?

It's oak-y.

It's... It's full-bodied.

I believe it's open.

Oh, that's...

That's nasty!

Mmm. The aroma.

The nastiest thing ever.

No, Malcolm! Malcolm!

Hey! No!

Move your

little nasty foot.

Stop it!

Ow! Ow! Malcolm!

Uh, Malcolm. Malcolm?

Hmm?

The camera isn't off.

Yeah, the camera's off.

What are you talkin' about?

The light is on.

That's the standby light.

That's the record light.

I don't want to be

like those stupid girls.

Kim Kardashian

with a sex tape.

First of all,

Kim Kardashian's

worth $150 million.

Think about it, Kisha.

You could have

your own reality show.

You could have your

own clothing line,

your own perfume.

"Stank," by Kisha.

No.

Your window of opportunity

is closing quickly.

Turn it off.

Oh, God,

you are a hater.

I'm not.

Malcolm. You ain't slick.

That camera's still on.

- What?

- "What?"

That's cheap.

Whoo! Whoo!

Don't touch it.

Don't touch it.

That was crazy.

Oh, I got a cramp.

I told you we should

have recorded that.

I don't think they

make 30-second tapes.

Oh, come on. That was

at least two minutes,

Whoo! That was great.

Malcolm, you know

we have to go again, right?

I need a halftime.

You gotta talk to the coach.

Get some new plays.

Wake up.

Okay, okay.

Come on now.

Okay, okay.

Woody's sore.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Good morning, honey.

Hi, baby.

Mwah.

Malcolm, I told you

to turn the camera off!

I know. I'm sh*t.

But, baby, I was

tearin' it up last night.

Oh, please.

You were all right.

Baby, check this move.

Look at that.

Malcolm, I need you

to erase this tape.

I don't wanna end

up on the Internet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

Rewind the video.

Okay.

Did you see that?

Uh-huh.

See, I call that move

the Tornado.

No, stupid!

Look! The door, it moved.

You see?

Oh, wow.

Well, there is a rational

explanation for all that.

See, what happens is,

with the Tornado, right,

the vortex in

which I move my hips,

especially with

a downward motion,

it creates that vortex.

I'm surprised

the windows didn't

blow open.

You are stupid.

Sometimes it does that.

See, I'm working on a whole

natural disaster theme

for me and you.

We gonna start with

the Mudslide tonight.

Or the Earthquake.

Earthquake is crazy!

'Cause I just get in

and I shake up in there,

fast as I can. I just shake.

Malcolm!

Malcolm, come here,

please!

Quick!

What happened?

What happened?

Okay, so the glass was

on the counter,

and then it...

Something knocked it off!

How do you explain that?

Well, maybe you put it

on the edge of the counter,

and it just slipped off.

Last night,

it was the door, Malcolm.

And then, this morning,

the pot was on the floor.

Maybe it wasn't put

on the rack properly.

All right,

I'll take credit for that.

Lord knows you don't cook.

Oh, I love you, but stop.

Be careful.

You're gonna get

glass in your foot

and be trackin' blood

all through the house

like Bruce Willis

in Die Hard.

Do you believe

me now, Malcolm? Hmm?

Maybe it was your vortex.

Oh, God.

Did you hear that?

Nope.

What?

What about that?

That was just

the house settling.

No big thing.

Just go back to sleep.

Go back to sleep?

The wind?

What?

Negro, the windows

are closed!

Oh, hell, no! I'm out!

What? Malcolm!

Malcolm!

Really?

Oh, hell, no.

Malcolm, what are

you doing?

B*tch, there is a ghost

in the house. I'm out.

You can't leave.

You watch me.

Deuces.

Malcolm!

You all right?

Who am I kidding?

I can't sell a house

in this market.

"Immediate possession."

It's already possessed!

Hi, Chip.

I'm Kisha.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Chip the Psychic.

Come on in.

Nice. Nice.

Oh!

And you...

You must be Malcolm.

Mmm, yeah.

That's pretty good.

How did you know?

Uh, psychic.

See?

I have a lot of powers

all over my body.

Do you... You play basketball,

probably, a little bit, right?

No, not really.

You don't?

No.

Well, you got

the body for it.

You're lucky.

You're a lucky, lucky lady.

I'm gonna ask you

some questions.

You know, nothing cray.

Just real simple stuff.

Okay, how long

have you guys

been together?

Two years.

Yes.

Okay, Malcolm,

are you happy?

Yes.

Do you like

living with her?

Yes.

Have you been

with a man?

No.

Did you have

a good Halloween?

Yes.

Did you have

a good Christmas?

Yes.

Do you like movies?

Yeah.

Have you

been with a man?

Yeah...

No. What? No!

Did you have

a good Easter?

Yes.

Do you like booze?

Yes.

Do you eat food

every day?

Yes.

Have you

been with a man?

Yes. No, no!

I've never been with a man.

Okay, I'm just asking

'cause I'm just trying

to get to know you.

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