A Haunted House Page #3
We did a seance
and everything!
A seance?
Oh, yeah. That's right.
You did a seance?
Yes.
Honey, it's college.
You do a lot of silly stuff.
Yeah.
Like that time we
got drunk and made out.
Oh, it's all hazy.
You know, college,
it's like a big fog.
We're gonna talk
Yeah, yeah.
A hazy, sexy fog,
it sounds like.
Wouldn't it be great if
we all spent the night?
Together?
Well, that's an
interesting idea.
What do you think
of that, Malcolm?
- A naked sleepover?
- No.
No?
It's weird.
Yeah, but it's definitely
gonna be weird.
But are you saying
weird good or weird bad?
Weird bad, Steve.
Okay.
All right, you guys.
It's been real.
Listen,
I know a great psychic
if you need one.
Okay.
He told me
I'd be surrounded
by big, black spirits
in my near future.
Vaginas crossed.
Yeah, okay.
Right? Goodbye!
Well.
Listen, before we go,
I just wanna talk to
you about something,
'cause Jenny's got
special for her, you know.
I was thinking maybe you could
invite a couple of guys over,
like your cousin Ray-Ray,
maybe?
that he hangs out with,
you know?
Jamal, and Hakim,
and Anforny, you know?
Just the six of us, right?
We'll have some fun.
We'll double stuff
the Oreo a little bit, huh?
Dirty up the white snow?
Black poles, white holes.
You know, maybe all pile on
right, you know?
Are you talking
about a mandingo party?
What? A what?
Excuse me!
I mean, I'm really,
uh, not into that.
But if you're into that...
Um, I'm...
Well, we might be able
to work something out
Hey, buddy, I mean...
Okay, bye, Steve.
Oh!
Oh, wow.
That's beautiful.
Okay, Jenny.
Okay, honey, come on.
Come on, honey, come in.
You're lucky.
She is luckier.
Bye, guys. Bye!
All right.
Okay. All right.
I think
Jenny and Steve
are swingers.
You think? Wow.
This looks like
a ghetto Rite Aid.
Wrong Aid.
Oh, sh*t!
Very funny.
I shaved my legs.
With what,
a weed whacker?
Wow. That's like
Apollo Creed's chest hairs.
That is crazy.
Oh! Hey!
Malcolm, come on!
Dude, turn that off.
Get out of here.
You got to close this.
Stop it!
I'm claustrophobic, okay?
Yeah? Well,
I'm ass-trophobic.
You know what, Malcolm?
What?
Love it or leave it, okay?
Here. Here.
Take it, okay?
It's oak-y.
It's... It's full-bodied.
I believe it's open.
Oh, that's...
That's nasty!
Mmm. The aroma.
No, Malcolm! Malcolm!
Hey! No!
Move your
little nasty foot.
Stop it!
Ow! Ow! Malcolm!
Uh, Malcolm. Malcolm?
Hmm?
The camera isn't off.
Yeah, the camera's off.
What are you talkin' about?
The light is on.
That's the standby light.
That's the record light.
I don't want to be
Kim Kardashian
with a sex tape.
First of all,
Kim Kardashian's
worth $150 million.
Think about it, Kisha.
You could have
your own reality show.
You could have your
own clothing line,
your own perfume.
"Stank," by Kisha.
No.
Your window of opportunity
is closing quickly.
Turn it off.
Oh, God,
you are a hater.
I'm not.
Malcolm. You ain't slick.
That camera's still on.
- What?
- "What?"
That's cheap.
Whoo! Whoo!
Don't touch it.
Don't touch it.
That was crazy.
Oh, I got a cramp.
I told you we should
have recorded that.
I don't think they
make 30-second tapes.
Oh, come on. That was
at least two minutes,
Whoo! That was great.
Malcolm, you know
we have to go again, right?
I need a halftime.
You gotta talk to the coach.
Get some new plays.
Wake up.
Okay, okay.
Come on now.
Okay, okay.
Woody's sore.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Good morning, honey.
Hi, baby.
Mwah.
Malcolm, I told you
to turn the camera off!
I know. I'm sh*t.
But, baby, I was
tearin' it up last night.
Oh, please.
You were all right.
Baby, check this move.
Look at that.
Malcolm, I need you
to erase this tape.
I don't wanna end
up on the Internet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Rewind the video.
Okay.
Did you see that?
Uh-huh.
See, I call that move
the Tornado.
No, stupid!
Look! The door, it moved.
You see?
Oh, wow.
Well, there is a rational
explanation for all that.
See, what happens is,
with the Tornado, right,
the vortex in
which I move my hips,
especially with
a downward motion,
it creates that vortex.
I'm surprised
the windows didn't
blow open.
You are stupid.
Sometimes it does that.
See, I'm working on a whole
natural disaster theme
for me and you.
the Mudslide tonight.
Or the Earthquake.
Earthquake is crazy!
'Cause I just get in
and I shake up in there,
fast as I can. I just shake.
Malcolm!
Malcolm, come here,
please!
Quick!
What happened?
What happened?
Okay, so the glass was
on the counter,
and then it...
Something knocked it off!
How do you explain that?
Well, maybe you put it
on the edge of the counter,
and it just slipped off.
Last night,
it was the door, Malcolm.
And then, this morning,
the pot was on the floor.
Maybe it wasn't put
on the rack properly.
All right,
I'll take credit for that.
Lord knows you don't cook.
Oh, I love you, but stop.
Be careful.
You're gonna get
glass in your foot
and be trackin' blood
all through the house
like Bruce Willis
in Die Hard.
Do you believe
me now, Malcolm? Hmm?
Maybe it was your vortex.
Oh, God.
Did you hear that?
Nope.
What?
What about that?
That was just
the house settling.
No big thing.
Just go back to sleep.
Go back to sleep?
The wind?
What?
Negro, the windows
are closed!
Oh, hell, no! I'm out!
What? Malcolm!
Malcolm!
Really?
Oh, hell, no.
Malcolm, what are
you doing?
B*tch, there is a ghost
in the house. I'm out.
You can't leave.
You watch me.
Deuces.
Malcolm!
You all right?
Who am I kidding?
I can't sell a house
in this market.
"Immediate possession."
It's already possessed!
Hi, Chip.
I'm Kisha.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Chip the Psychic.
Come on in.
Nice. Nice.
Oh!
And you...
You must be Malcolm.
Mmm, yeah.
That's pretty good.
How did you know?
Uh, psychic.
See?
I have a lot of powers
all over my body.
Do you... You play basketball,
probably, a little bit, right?
No, not really.
You don't?
No.
Well, you got
the body for it.
You're lucky.
You're a lucky, lucky lady.
I'm gonna ask you
some questions.
You know, nothing cray.
Just real simple stuff.
Okay, how long
have you guys
been together?
Two years.
Yes.
Okay, Malcolm,
are you happy?
Yes.
Do you like
living with her?
Yes.
Have you been
with a man?
No.
Did you have
a good Halloween?
Yes.
Did you have
a good Christmas?
Yes.
Do you like movies?
Yeah.
Have you
been with a man?
Yeah...
No. What? No!
Did you have
a good Easter?
Yes.
Do you like booze?
Yes.
Do you eat food
every day?
Yes.
Have you
been with a man?
Yes. No, no!
I've never been with a man.
Okay, I'm just asking
'cause I'm just trying
to get to know you.
1 fan
Submitted on August 05, 2018
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"A Haunted House" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 26 Jul 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/a_haunted_house_1925>.
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