A Kid Called Mayonnaise

1

[alarm beeping]

[slurping]

Ahh.

[touch tones]

[phone line ringing]

Mayo's Voice:
Hello. You've reached

the Davis residence.

We've moved to Los Angeles.

If you want to

buy our house,

please call my mom,

Muriel,

care of the Alamo Motel.

Or just leave a message.

- [beep]

- Mayo:
Hey, house.

I just thought I'd

call and say hi.

Mourning doves,

I know you're eavesdropping,

so I'll say hi to you, too.

Remember, don't eat Horace.

I know he's just a slug,

but he's a pretty good guy.

Sailor rubber ducky,

sorry you

fell out of the box.

I'll come back

to get you soon.

I like it here.

But the truth is,

when I first got to the Alamo,

I wasn't so sure.

Neither was mom.

When she took the job

at the motel,

I don't think she knew

how hard it would be.

And I guess I didn't know

how strange it would be.

There is this girl,

Calamine Jones,

she wears a sailor suit.

And she hated me,

but I didn't know why.

Then there's this

business man kind of guy.

His name is Mr. Cavendish.

He likes playing

this weird game.

It's just weird.

[whispering]

I often dream of otters.

I'm sorry.

I really don't have time

for the game right now,

Mr. Cavendish

[sighs, whispers]

I often dream of otters.

I often dream of otters.

[louder]

I often dream of otters!

I often dream of otters!

[shouting]

I often dream of otters!

I often dream of otters!

I often dream of otters!

You win again,

Mr. Cavendish.

Mayo:
And then there's

this kid Lance,

who, I gotta say,

was a bit of a creepster.

Oh. Hey, Lance.

You're up early.

Yes. Mother and I are going

to donate to the saliva bank.

Is that like

a blood bank?

[spitting]

Yeah,

but for saliva.

Good morning.

Come on, Lance,

we want to beat the lines.

They pay $10 a quart.

Lancelot Arthur Kincaid.

[sighs]

Mayo:
I wasn't sure

how I fit in here,

or even if I wanted to.

Then the other day,

I heard this song.

[phone rings]

Muriel:
Welcome to the Alamo,

L.A.'s best kept secret.

We have an ostrich?

I'm gonna have to

put you on hold

for just one tiny second.

Someone left him

in the middle of the night.

People see a movie about

some super cool animal,

and they decide

they gotta get one.

Then they say, "Hey,

it's not super cool at all.

"It's a nasty, freaky,

fuzzy land bird."

And then they say,

"Hey, let's just

"drop this thing off

at the Alamo,

"and that crazy stray animal lady

will take care of it."

Not this time.

This monster's going to

an animal shelter

where it belongs.

Just don't name it,

Mom.

Whenever you name them,

you never get rid of them.

Right, Frank?

Don't worry.

So, what's up

with you today?

Well, I just saw this girl

drive by on a birthday float.

She was wearing this crown,

and she was sitting on

a purple throne.

And then she saw me.

And waved.

It was like--

And then I was like--

And-- and then

she threw taffy at me.

Okay.

Yeah, so I was wondering

if I could, you know,

head off to go

look around for her.

Nice try.

But you're always saying how

I need to make new friends here.

Well, what's wrong

with Lance?

He's selling his own spit.

That Calamine Jones

seems sort of interesting.

She doesn't talk.

I'm pretty sure

she hates my guts.

[tapping on glass]

Well, I can't just let you

wander off into the city.

And I'm too busy to

drive you myself.

Nice ostrich.

Maybe Candy

can drive me.

- Who?

- I met this girl.

He waved at a girl.

She waved at me first.

Let me see her wave.

Your wave.

Yeah. Yeah, I can

drive him, Miss Davis.

It's fine.

I gotta go out, anyways.

This looks very important.

Please, Mom?

I gotta find her.

[mouthing]

All right,

on two conditions.

One:
I get to check in with you

any time I want.

Done. What's

the second thing?

"Attention,

Los Angeles.

"This is a special

announcement.

"If you recently saw

the hit movie 'The Awesome Ostrich,'

"please, do not go out

and buy an ostrich.

"They're not super cool,

they're not house pets--"

This is an ostrich,

people.

They do not mess around.

I'm gonna tell you

a little story.

I once saw an ostrich

take on a grizzly bear

in a cage match throw down.

And guess who won.

Anybody?

Hint:
Not the bear!

Not... the bear.

[chuckling]

You're welcome,

city of Los Angeles.

Please, please, please,

please drive safely,

and have yourself a snazzy,

ostrich free day.

[laughing]

Mayo:
I didn't really

know Candy,

and I didn't know why

she wanted to help me.

All I knew was

we were on our way.

[music playing on radio]

Nope. Ahh, uh--

Too happy.

Too sad.

God, total garbage.

Don't worry,

we'll find it.

We're looking for

la cancin suprema.

The supreme song.

I don't think we had

one of those in Idaho.

Idaho.

[chuckles]

How'd you wind up here?

Well,

when my grandfather died,

he left the Alamo to us.

My mom thought

coming out here

would give us both

a chance to start over.

Well, you cannot start over

without

la cancin sup-rrrr-ema.

[laughs]

It's a state law.

[chuckles]

Candy:
Hey.

You like oranges?

Hector, my man.

Mayo:
Hi.

So, have you seen a girl

drive by on a float?

He's from Idaho,

so--

So, why does your mom take in

all these weird animals?

She sees a stray animal,

she just has to take it in.

It's a little weird.

But the good thing is,

she took me in.

Kind of like

with that ostrich.

Somebody had something

that they didn't want,

so they left it

at our house.

My mom opened up this box,

and there was a baby inside.

Me.

What? No.

She named me Mayo,

which is short for mayonnaise,

'cause the box she found me in

was a mayonnaise box.

Mm-hm.

You're a liar.

I never lie.

[phone quacking]

It's mom.

You want to ask her

if it's true?

You were found in a box?

No. Come on, seriously.

Last chance.

[phone quacking]

Okay.

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, I'm fine.

No, no birthday girl yet.

How's it goin'

with the ostrich?

I think it wants to eat me.

Keep away from me,

you monster.

Whatever you do,

don't name it.

I'm not gonna name it.

Come on, birthday girl.

Where are you?

These songs stink.

How do you know

when you've found it,

la cancin suprema?

It's weird,

but your stomach

starts to hurt.

Then...

you get goosebumps.

[chuckles]

Then a feeling of hope,

despite life's funny way

of crushing your soul.

That's her!

Turn around,

turn around!

Okay. We'll catch 'em

on Alameda.

Okay, come on.

Why doesn't she

like me?

She's just being

Calamine Jones.

That's her!

Over here.

Mayo:
I'll tell ya, house.

Could have been perfect.

Then I got ambushed

by a rubber ducky.

Whoa.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Where is she?

She's over--

No, she--

[sighs]

Dude, you had her.

I know.

I've just never seen a rubber ducky

like that before, okay?

It's just so snazzy.

What, so you're into

rubber duckies or something?

[scoffs] No.

Definitely not.

I mean, maybe

when I was a kid, but--

I have a huge collection

of rubber duckies

that I keep in

a display case.

I like to

give them names and...

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