A Life Less Ordinary

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MAN:
So, here's the deal.

We are in the garden, right?

And everything is great.

And there's this tree.

And the man says,

"Ooh, see that tree?

"Don't eat the fruit

of that tree.

"That apple you do not eat."

He goes inside,

names some animals...

maybe takes a dump.

Anyway, what does she do?

She eats the apple!

I can't believe what I'm seeing!

He says, "Don't eat it!"

She eats it!

- Unbelievable!

- [Siren]

Since then, men, women...

I don't know.

It's all going wrong!

DIANA ROSS SINGING:

So inviting

So exciting

Whenever you're near

I hear a symphony

A tender melody

Pulling me closer

Closer to your arms

Then suddenly

Your lips are touching mine

A feeling so divine

Till I leave the past behind

I'm lost in a world

Of make-believe

Whenever you're near

I hear a symphony...

GABRIEL:
Divorce.

Miserable marriage.

Wedding canceled.

Remarried.

Divorced again.

Ahh!

Irreconcilable

sexual disharmony!

Dysfunctional marriage!

Divorce! Divorce!

Divorce! Divorce!

Divorce! Divorce!

Well?

Talk to me.

We had a bad run.

O'REILLY:

Things have changed down there.

Men and women

aren't like they used to be.

GABRIEL:
Well, things are

changing up here as well.

I'm getting pressure

from above...

if you know what I mean,

for results!

For men and women to be bonded

in eternal bliss.

In the meantime, I've been

instructed to introduce...

new incentive schemes

for our leading operatives.

Leading operatives, huh?

That's you.

O'REILLY:
Skip the flattery,

Gabriel. Where's the beef?

It's a hard case to crack.

I have full confidence

you can do it.

If you don't...

you don't come back.

What?

No way.

That's the new incentive scheme.

Your mission

is to unite man and woman...

blah, blah, blah, blah, OK?

When you're done...

you come back.

If youfail...

you stay down there forever.

You are not serious.

GABRIEL:
Liberatum mani.

It's out of my hands.

[Distant siren]

SNEAKER PIMPS SINGING:

No ordinary sin

This perfect working order

I'd rather sink than swim

If I can't walk on water

Let the scandal in

This perfect world disorder

I'd rather drown than swim

I can't walk on water

This taste of dilution

Velvet divorce

I get bored

Velvet divorce

I get bored

Velvet divorce

Velvet divorce

I get bored

ROBERT:

She's the secret daughter...

of Marilyn Monroe

and John F. Kennedy, right?

I mean, that's why Marilyn

was murdered.

So, the young girl

grows up in an orphanage...

unaware of

her incredible parentage.

Years go by.

She's beautiful.

She's smart.

She's successful, OK?

MAN ON RIGHT:
Then what?

ROBERT:
Well, then...

Then she gets sent to London

as U.S. ambassador.

MAN ON LEFT:
Where she discovers

who she is...

and also unravels

the secret of the Nazi gold...

hidden underneath the embassy.

ROBERT:
Uh, yeah.

MAN ON RIGHT:

It's kind of obvious, Robert.

Of course it's obvious, guys.

It's a trash novel.

You buy it in the airport,

you take it on holiday.

Oh, Ms. Gesteten.

Nice to see you down here.

I'd love to stay and talk,

but, um, you know how things...

ELLIOT:
Nice trick, Celine.

- Want to try your luck?

- With the gun?

CELINE:
With the fruit.

ELLIOT:

I don't have time for games.

CELINE:
If you're afraid,

why don't you just say so?

ELLIOT:
Celine, last night,

we discussed a certain proposal.

And I said no,

because you cheat, Elliot.

ELLIOT:
OK.

So I'm flirtatious.

It's in my nature.

But I want you to think again.

Do you know how difficult

it is for a woman to find...

a good husband in this town?

Let alone a good dentist.

Celine...

I'm serious.

Robots?

You're telling us we're gonna be

replaced by robots?

That robots will get down on

their robot hands and knees...

and clean the dust out of

every office in this building?

I think not, Ms. Gesteten.

At least the robot won't spend

its time writing a trash novel.

Not even a very good

trash novel, as I understand it.

[Man on right whistling]

Oh, I see. This is personal.

This has nothing to do with me,

Robert.

This comes right from the top...

from Mr. Naville himself.

Perhaps it's time

I spoke to this Mr. Naville guy.

GESTETEN:
It's too late.

You're fired.

CELINE:
You ready?

ELLIOT:
Mm-hmm.

CELINE:
Now, if you move...

the offer's canceled.

ELLIOT:
OK.

Mm-hmm.

- Wait, Celine...

- Don't speak.

Do you think this is wise?

Puts me off.

ELLIOT:
Ha.

Ha.

Stop!

[Body falls]

ELLIOT:
Aah! Aah! Aah!

CELINE:
Mayhew...

[Robert screaming]

Would you call a doctor?

It would be a pleasure, madam.

LILY:
What are you doing here

this time of day?

Hi, Lily.

Well? Answer me.

Lily, I... I got fired.

They replaced me with a robot.

I know how they feel.

ROBERT:
Hmm?

Look, I've been meaning

to tell you this...

for a while now, and...

seems like a good a time as any.

Robert...

I'm leaving you.

You're leaving?

What are you talking about?

LILY:
His name is Ryan.

He teaches aerobics.

We're in love.

We're moving to Miami.

ROBERT:
How can you do this?

At a time like this!

LILY:

I want a man, not a dreamer.

I don't know what to say.

We could talk about this.

I'll get another job.

We'll sort everything out.

LILY:
Sorry...

but as of tonight...

you're going home alone.

Uh...

Lily!

LILY:
I'm leaving you.

GESTETEN:
You're fired.

MAN:

It's kind of obvious, Robert.

LILY:
He teaches aerobics.

We're in love.

We're moving to Miami.

[Knocking]

[Knock on door]

Oh.

[Knock on door]

Lily?

[Pounding on door]

Lily?

JACKSON:
Mr. Robert Lewis?

ROBERT:
Yeah, that's me.

My name is Jackson.

This is my associate

Ms. O'Reilly.

We're from the Firm But Fair

Eviction & Collection Agency.

I have a list of certain items

we're empowered to collect...

under federal and state law...

in lieu of unpaid debts.

Furthermore, we are contracted

to serve upon you...

notice of eviction from these

here premises, uh, forthwith.

ROBERT:
I beg your pardon?

O'REILLY:
We can do this

with violence or without.

It's up to you.

The client pays our

medical bills, but not yours.

Well?

Oh, without, please.

JACKSON:
[Whispering]

Good choice.

MAN:
OK, let's go.

SECOND MAN:
All right.

[Engine starts]

NAVILLE:
Cannot believe this.

[Sighs]

Do you have any idea...

how difficult it is to find

a good husband in this town?

Hmm?!

Or a good dentist, come to that?

[Horns honk]

NAVILLE:

Playing this sort of game...

you have disgraced yourself

once again.

You caught him

through the frontal lobe...

so apparently he'll live.

But he'll never practice

orthodontics again...

that's for sure.

WOMAN ON P. A:
Mr. Schneider,

call extension 487.

Mr. Schneider,487.

My main fear is you're going

to end up like your mother...

who long ago found her own

natural level in society.

That is to say

she scuttles along the bottom.

CELINE:
Her biggest problem

was marrying a man like you...

a mistake I have taken

great care to avoid.

You...

are gonna go to work, my girl.

CELINE:
What?

[Elevator rings]

NAVILLE:
You have spent

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