A Lonely Place to Die

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Safe!

Off belay!

Right, can you get my camera out,|please?

Say it.

- Come on.|- Don't take a picture.

Give us a smile. I'm sure there's a|pretty face under that frown somewhere.

- Is that the best you got?|- Afraid so.

- OK, get one of me.|- No, I'll take it at the top.

Yeah, but I wanna get|some of this background in.

Pass it over.

Try and get some of that exposure in.|Show how high up we are.

Is that a golden eagle?

Beautiful.

It's a golden eagle.|Buzzard. I don't know

Nah, it's way too big to be a buzzard.

Alright, that's enough of the bird.|Point the camera at the money.

Alison, come on.

- Stop pouting.|- What?

It was definitely a golden eagle.

- Alison! Help me!|- Ed!

Jesus Christ, Alison!

- Sh*t!|- Rob, throw the rope.

- Guys!|- Alison!

- Ed!|- Alison, please! It's slipping!

It's gonna go!

I can't... I can't...|I can't get up!

- Help me!|- Rob!

Rob!

Ed, just breathe!

- It's not gonna hold!|- Ed! Ed!

Ed, you have to listen to me.|Just breathe.

It's OK, but stop moving.|Keep it together.

Alright, alright.

Easy. OK, OK. Get your breath.

Get your breath.|Jesus Christ, what happened, guys?

- Alison, are you alright?|- Don't ask. Yeah, I'm fine.

Alright, mate, you're alright.|OK. Can you just pull yourself up?

- Thank God.|- Alison, you OK?

- I'm fine.|- Alright.

It's OK, keep going.|Just get your breath.

I lost my bloody camera.

I feel sick|and my hands won't stop shaking.

It's the adrenaline lag, mate.|Always hits you afterwards.

Hey, Ed.

Don't ever have a concentration lapse|like that again, OK?

You wanna climb with me,|you need to up your game.

Methodical, every step. I mean it.

Complacency is a killer out here.

- We got away with cuts and bruises.|- Yeah.

Remind me why we do this again.

Because we don't surf.

- Hey.|- Hey.

- Hey.|- Hey. How you doing, honey?

- What time did you get here?|- About an hour ago. Just unpacking.

Yeah, we took the double room|with the en suite. If that's OK?

Fine. I'm not sleeping with him, am I?

Neither am I.

I'm Ed, by the way.

Oh, Ed. I'm sorry, mate.|Ed, Jenny. Jenny, this is Ed.

Hi, Ed.

No, after you.

OK?

Oh, right.

Oh, honey, can you bring me|the cutlery, please, babe?

It's in the jug on the dresser.

Smells like someone's died in here.

Yeah, it is a little stinky.|I'll open a window, let some air in.

That's just what Fred West|would have said.

In future, you should|bury your relatives outdoors.

Think patio.

If we had a phone in here, mate, you|could call up the landlord and complain.

- There's no phone?|- No.

Great.

And the window... is bust.

Any joy?

We've had a right result.

Hey, don't worry about her.

You know, with a bit of luck, she'll be|tucked up and fast asleep by now.

Your parents are such a pushover.

She runs rings round them.|She's such a little monkey.

I miss her.

It's only been two days, Jen.

Bollocks.

You take the high road

And I'll take the low road|And I'll be in Scotland

- Afore you|- No, no, no!

It's horrible. Girls, girls, stop.|Seriously, it's horrible.

- Please, cards, go.|- OK. OK.

But...

Right, I need to know how much|one of these fellas is worth.

Five matchsticks.

No sex for you.

- And, OK, a bottle top?|- Two pasta swirls to a top.

Right. So then, ten matchsticks|makes one bottle top?

Yeah.

Great. OK, thanks, guys.|It's a bit confusing, is all.

It really isn't.

- Be nice.|- What are you doing, Jen?

Ladies and gentlemen, I fold.

What have you got|that's so special?

A pasta swirl and two tops|is what I'm gonna raise by.

- I fold.|- Me, too.

I'm gonna keep him honest. All in.

The water's warm. Jump on in.

Yeah, right. All in.

Three kings.

- Oh, damn, I've only got three tens.|- Get in, yer dancer!

Come here, you lovely, lovely little...

Oh, look at his wee face.

I've got a pair of queens as well,|if that helps.

Oh, come on, sit down, Alex. Shock's|best absorbed with the knees bent.

Full house. Let him take it.

Don't spend it all in one pub.

I can retire to the Bahamas|like Roger Moore.

- You mean Sean Connery.|- I'm in the Roger Moore camp.

There's nothing|wrong with a little bit of camp.

That's a horrible impression.

- It isn't.|- It is.

It's not!

Alex, what is this?|Where's the Queen?

That's legal tender.|It's a Scottish tenner.

It's worse than Monopoly money.|I can't buy anything with this.

I've only got two words for you.

- Yeah, do they involve sex and travel?|- Possibly.

Well, don't say them.

That's our cue to leave.|Goodnight, everybody.

- F*** off!|- Leave it. Goodnight!

Another round?

Look, baby, I'm sorry.|I'm pissed. It was just banter.

- Yeah. I know. But it's not very sexy.|- I'm not trying to be sexy.

Why not? You're not on a promise.

- Deal.|- Will do.

Stick with me,|we'll climb that this time next year.

The Eiger? Yeah, let's do it.|The north face.

It killed 70 people.

If you fall from the summit,|it'll take 30 seconds to hit the ground.

- That's cheery.|- 30 seconds to recall your life,

say your goodbyes,|conscious the whole way down.

Just enough time|to say the Lord's Prayer.

- If you believe that's gonna save you.|- You're really gonna need something.

- It's blowing a bastard out there.|- Yeah, I know.

It's supposed to clear up|through the night, though.

But tomorrow is gonna be tricky.

Drink?

Fill her up.

- No, you can't mix gin and whisky.|- It's called a gisky.

- Is it?|- I just invented it.

- Right.|- Gisky?

- Gisky. Would you like one?|- No, I'll pass.

Alright, folks,|slight change of plan, I think.

There are 40 mph winds on that peak,|but they're gusting 60.

It's supposed to die down tonight, so I|think we'll do the west face tomorrow

and just tackle the north ridge today.

It's nothing more than a diff.|You know, V diff.

So don't worry about rock shoes, helmets or|anything else that's gonna weigh you down.

We've got a lot of ground to cover.

How's the exposure on the ridge?

A bit thought provoking,|but keep hold of your harness.

- I've got mine and we'll take the rope.|- OK, good.

Got all your gear?|Don't leave anything.

The only thing I left|is for a fully qualified plumber.

Charming.

- Good morning.|- Hey, you. How's the head?

Two cups of coffee and three aspirin,|I'm almost human again.

OK?

So I guess it's a no-go|on the west face?

No. This isn't Yosemite. The weather|up here does exactly what it wants.

Yeah.

- Got the lunch, Jen?|- Yeah, that's all under control.

- What are we having?|- Sandwiches.

The pinnacle of British cuisine.|No wonder the French hate us.

- I make a pretty good sandwich.|- Well, what's in them?

Just wait and see.|The surprise is half the fun.

Just as long as it's not fish.

You should try one.|They're yummy.

Smoked mackerel and egg?|I'd rather eat my own sh*t.

No one's stopping you.

You could always scrape out the mackerel|and just eat the bread.

No, I can't do that.|It's been tainted.

You remind me of my daughter.

She's clearly a lady|of impeccable taste.

She's two.

You're such a fussy eater.|It's so surprising at your age.

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