A Million Ways to Die in the West

NARRATOR:
Some people are born

into the wrong time and place.

This was the American

frontier in 1882.

A hard land for hard folk.

Food was scarce,

disease was rampant,

and life was a daily

struggle for survival.

Hell, this was Miss

America in 1880.

Holy sh*t.

To build a home and a life in

this harsh, unforgiving country

required that a man be bold,

fearless, and tough as iron.

The men who were

courageous and resilient

were the men who prospered.

But some men were just

big, giant pussies.

(PANTING)

Well, well.

Surprised you showed up, Stark.

Yeah, well, you said you

would kill my family

and burn my house down

if I didn't, so...

Draw.

(ALBERT STUTTERING)

Is there anything at

all that I can say

to get you to call this off?

You yellow, Stark?

Oh, okay, well, that's a little

racist to our hardworking friends

over here from the Far

East, right, guys?

Draw, you son of a b*tch!

Look, I just feel like if we

can talk this out, you know,

we can find a calm,

rational solution

and maybe we even laugh

about it one day.

I ain't in the mood

to laugh, Stark!

Look, there's always

humor in any...

Oh, hey, look. This will make

you laugh. Look at our shadows.

It looks like our shadows are

about to kiss each other.

Look at that.

Oh, wait, watch this. Oh,

my God, Charlie. Oh, my God.

Thank you! This is

so generous of you.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, wow! This is...

- What a terrific guy you are.

- (SNICKERING)

We barely know each other, but, hey,

when it's right, it's right, huh?

I'll give you a little tap on the

hat when I'm good to go, okay?

Look, we're laughing, right?

We're laughing now.

What were we even fighting about?

I can't remember. Can you?

(CROWD GASPS)

Your goddamn sheep grazed

up half my ranch, Stark.

That grass ain't never

gonna grow back!

All right, look. How about this?

I'll pay you the money

you lost, okay?

Just give me two days to sell off

a few of my sheep and

I'll get you the money.

All right. Just two days.

If I don't have that cash,

I'm coming after ya.

Okay, great. Thank you so

much for your patience.

I really appreciate it.

And what a relief for

all these people

who came out here

hoping that we would

find an amicable

solution to this, huh?

Aw, somebody shoot some f***er!

I took a half-day

off work for this!

Okay, I just want to point out

that guy's an English

teacher at our school.

(GROANS)

(ALL GASP)

Just a little taste.

(CROWD MURMURING)

ALBERT:
I mean, that should

have been the end of it, right?

I mean, I tell him

I'll pay him off,

we go our separate

ways, and that's it.

But, no, he shoots me

in the f***ing leg.

I mean, it's just a graze,

but come on, look at that.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

What?

You should have fought him.

I should have fought him?

You're serious.

Louise! My God! The guy is one

of the best shots around.

- I look like I have Parkinson's

next to him. - What is that?

It's just another way God

mysteriously shows that He loves us.

But, look, it would have been

suicide to fight that guy.

Albert, I'm breaking up with you.

What?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I got shot today.

I know.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a sec.

Louise, where is this coming from?

Is this because of the gunfight?

No, I've actually been feeling

this way for a while.

You're a great guy. I just...

I realized that

I want something else.

Something else? Louise, it's

been a year and a half!

Look, I know I'm just a sheep

farmer, but I'm saving money...

Yeah, but you're not even a

good sheep farmer, Albert.

Your sheep are everywhere.

The one thing a sheep

farmer has to do

is keep all of his sheep

in one place, all right.

I went to your farm the other day,

and I saw one in the backyard,

three way up on the ridge,

two in the pond, and

one on the roof.

Okay, that's Bridget, all right?

She has a problem with retardation,

but she's full of love.

Look, we're getting off

track here, all right?

Why don't you just tell

me what the problem is

and then maybe I can fix it?

Maybe if I were older,

the timing would be right.

But people are living

to be 35 these days

and a girl doesn't

have to just go off

and get married right away.

I just, I have to...

I have to work on myself.

Oh, my God.

- You did not just say that.

- What?

"I have to work on myself."

Louise, that's the

oldest line in the book.

You realize that.

You know what, it's okay, though.

It's all right. I know

why you're saying it.

It's because you don't want to

tell me that I'm the problem.

(SIGHS)

Goodbye, Albert.

Goodbye? Wait. Louise. Louise!

I love you.

I'm sorry.

(MOANING)

COWBOY:
Yeah! Oh, come on, come on!

RUTH:
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

COWBOY:

You like me f***ing you, don't you?

RUTH:
I do. It's really terrific.

- COWBOY:
Yeah! Oh! Ah! Yeah!

- RUTH:
Oh...

(MOANING CONTINUES)

Ah...

Hi, Edward.

Hi, Millie.

You waiting for Ruth?

Yeah, I got off work early, so I

thought I'd take her out for a picnic.

(RUTH SCREAMS)

It sounds like she's just

about done up there.

RUTH:
Shoot that dirty

cowboy cum all over my face!

Do I look okay?

Yeah, you look good.

- You look good.

- Oh, good.

Say, Edward, do you mind

if I ask you something?

Uh, yeah, sure.

You're okay with your girlfriend

screwing 15 different guys every day

and getting paid to do it?

Well, my job sucks, too.

I know. But, I mean,

you repair shoes.

(GASPS) Eddie!

Oh, hi, sweetie.

What are you doing here?

EDWARD:
Well, I got off work early

and I thought we could go

for a walk by the stream.

- (EXHALES) Oh.

- Oh...

Oh, your breath is, uh...

Ooh! Ooh.

- I had to give a blowj*b. Sorry.

- Oh, that's okay.

It's okay. Here, I got

you some flowers.

(GASPS)

- They're beautiful!

- Yeah, come on.

Don't I have the best

boyfriend, Millie?

Honestly, I have no f***ing idea.

Bye!

Oh, hey, Ruthie, Clyde Hodgkins

wanted to come by a little later on.

What did he want?

I think he wants anal.

Oh, honey, we can afford to get

you that new belt for church!

Oh, that would be great!

I know!

So, like, 5:
30? Does that work?

Ah, that should work. Yeah.

Well, what time is his appointment?

Uh, it's really not like a

dentist's office here, Edward.

You know, he'll just come by

when he feels like putting

his penis inside an a**hole.

Yeah, so we'll just say 5:30.

- (BOTH CHUCKLING)

- Okay.

(BLEATING)

ALBERT:
Oh, sh*t.

(BLEATING)

(HORSE HUFFS)

You're late.

For what?

Fair enough.

EDWARD:
Albert.

Hey, guys.

We heard about Louise.

That's horrible.

We're so sorry, Albert.

Do you want to sit down?

I'm good. I'm gonna

rest my a**hole.

I was just looking at these old

pictures of me and Louise.

This is from the carnival.

EDWARD:
Oh, yeah.

ALBERT:
There's the town picnic.

RUTH:
Oh.

ALBERT:
This is the square dance.

I almost wish you could

smile in photographs.

Louise has such an amazing smile.

- That'd be weird.

- Huh?

Have you ever smiled

in a photograph?

- No, have you?

- Oh, God, no.

No, you'd look like

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