A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #2

an insane person.

But, it's just, you know,

I've been sitting here

trying to figure out how the hell

I could have screwed this up.

I did everything for her.

If she was happy, I was happy.

That's all I cared about.

(SIGHS) And she was the one

thing that made the shootings,

and the diseases, and the wild

animals, and the Indians,

and the general depressing

awfulness about the West

bearable. (SIGHS)

God, I love her so much.

You're gonna make me cry.

- Let's get f***ed up.

- Yeah.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

So, what are you gonna do?

Uh...

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Commit suicide, maybe.

Albert, I know everything

seems hopeless right now,

but I promise you, there's

so much to live for.

Really? Is there?

What is there to live for on

the frontier in 1882? Huh?

Look, let me tell you something.

We live in a terrible

place and time.

The American West is a disgusting,

awful, dirty, dangerous place.

Look around you.

Everything out here that's

not you wants to kill you.

Outlaws, angry drunk people,

scorned hookers, hungry animals,

diseases, major and minor

injuries, Indians, the weather.

You can get killed just

going to the bathroom.

I take my life in my hands every

time I walk out to my outhouse.

There's f***ing rattlesnakes

all in the grass out there.

And even if I make it, you

know what can kill me?

Cholera. You know cholera?

- The Black Sh*t.

- The Black Sh*t.

The latest offering in the frontier's

disease-of-the-month club.

And even if you survive

all those things,

you know what else can kill you?

The f***ing doctor.

The doctor can kill you.

I had a cold a couple of

years ago. I went in there.

You know what he

said to me? He goes,

"Oh, you need an ear nail."

A nail in my f***ing ear.

That is modern medicine for you.

"Yeah, Doc, I have a fever of 102."

"Oh, you need a donkey kickin'."

You know our pastor has

shot two people? Our pastor.

- No, no.

- No.

Honest to God. Shot a guy in a duel

and then went back and

killed the guy's teenage son

because he was afraid he would

kill him out of revenge.

Wait, how do you know that?

Because he did a whole

f***ing sermon about it!

A lesson about seeing

things through.

By the way, look at this.

See those guys over there?

The guys who work in the silver

mines? See what they're eating?

Ribs doused in hot sauce.

They eat hot spicy foods

every meal of the day.

Do you know why?

Because their palates are so

completely f***ing dulled

from inhaling poisoned gas, 12

hours a day, down in the mines.

That's all they can taste.

You know what that kind of

diet does to your guts?

Constipation, cramps,

dyspepsia, liver disease,

kidney disease, hemorrhoids,

bowel inflammation.

They literally die

from their own farts.

(FARTS)

And, oh, oh, you want

to see more death?

All we got to do is get up

and walk out the front door.

That is our mayor.

He is dead.

He has been lying there,

dead, for three days.

No one has done a thing.

Not moved him, not

looked into his death,

not even replaced him with

a temporary appointee.

For the last three days, the

highest-ranking official in our town

has been a dead guy.

Oh! Look at that! Look at that!

Wolves are dragging the body

away as if to illustrate my point!

Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor!

Bye! Have fun becoming wolf sh*t!

Bye!

God!

That, my friends, is

the American West.

A disgusting, awful, dirty cesspool

of despair, and f*** all of it.

Why don't you shut up?

You shut up!

Mmm, mmm...

Ow! Ruth. Jesus Christ.

- Stop it.

- Okay, fine.

At least have Dr. Harper

take a look at it tomorrow.

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

If you could hear

yourself right now.

You know what's gonna happen

if I go to Dr. Harper

and I say, "Take a look at that"?

He's gonna say,

"Oh, that looks like it hurts.

"Let me give you a blue jay

to peck out the blood."

Maybe you should...

I don't know, maybe you

should try to talk to Louise.

- That's a great idea.

- Yeah?

- That's the jackpot. That's the jackpot!

- Huh?

- I still got it!

- Okay.

I have good ideas sometimes.

I didn't mean now!

Hey, hey, dude, you really

shouldn't drink and horse.

(GRUNTING)

No. No. No. No. No. No.

(GRUNTING)

Yeah, there you... Okay.

(SNORING)

Okay, Curtis. Curtis, buddy,

I'm gonna be right back.

I'll be right back, okay?

Or not! (LAUGHS)

No, that's being too ambitious.

Hey. Hey.

Albert, what the

hell are you doing?

Louise, we need to talk.

- It's 1:
30 in the morning.

- We need to talk.

- And we need to talk tonight.

- What happened to your face?

I got in a fight with an animal

that I could not identify.

Okay, you're drunk.

I'm a smucks-dinnin' drunk.

I don't know what you want

from me, but it's late.

- I gotta go.

- Louise! Louise!

Louise, please, listen to me.

I love you, okay?

I love you.

And I just think if

we talked this out

that we can get

somewhere and fix it.

Look, Albert, you gotta go.

I'm sure you're right for

somebody else, just not for me.

Okay?

Good night.

Wait, let me just touch you.

You're being a f***ing jerk!

Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

You know what?

I heard you fart once.

And it went...

(IMITATING FART NOISE)

And it was a sharp one.

A little sharpie poop-toot.

And I heard...

(HORSE NEIGHS)

MAN:
You know what I'm gonna

get with this gold, Plugger?

You know what I'm gonna get you?

I'm gonna get you a big old

stack of fresh-cut steaks.

(CHUCKLING) I bet you'd like that.

(BARKING)

What? What's the matter with...

Settle down, boy.

(BARKING CONTINUES)

Come on, boy, hey!

Quiet down, Plugger!

Whoa, mule!

(HORSES NEIGHING)

Howdy, folks.

Howdy.

What can I do for you fellas?

Well, we're riding through

to Sherman Creek.

Be obliged if you could

tell us the shortest route.

Oh, yeah, I can help you with that.

(GRUNTS)

I got a map right here.

Yes, sir.

Oh.

You're on the main road now.

And the main road goes

right through Bullhead

and straight through

to Sherman Creek.

But if you want the quickest way,

I'd take Bilbee Pass.

Safer, too. Less chance

of bandits and such.

Thank you.

- You can keep that.

- Oh.

Uh, one more thing

you might do for us.

What's that?

You could show us the gold.

Gold? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I ain't got no gold.

I wish.

Been prospecting up there, but

that stream's about panned out.

Old Plugger and I done give it up.

We're going on back into town.

(CHUCKLES) Aye. You see,

that's... That's just it.

You're heading back to town

in the middle of the day.

A prospector only does that

when he's found gold to sell.

Show it to me.

No, I swear to you, mister.

I ain't got no gold.

We're just going into

town to get some...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

- Hold on, let me think here a minute.

- You do that.

I might just have a

little bit of gold.

Yeah, here it is.

I forgot all about it.

Here, take it.

Pick up your gun.

What?

Well, I'm not just gonna take

your gold. That'd be stealing.

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