A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #3

You know what, old timer?

We'll shoot for it.

- Clinch.

- Shut up.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You just take the gold, okay?

Only a thief would do that.

Are you calling me a

thief, old timer?

No, no, no!

Then pick up your gun.

That's it.

Now point it at me.

We shoot on three.

(GUN CLICKS)

One.

Two.

God damn it, Clinch!

You didn't have to shoot him!

I know I didn't have

to, sweetheart.

He would've given you the gold!

The point is I had

to ask him twice.

I'm a busy man with a schedule.

You're a son of a b*tch

is what you are.

(GASPS)

Don't you ever say that

to me in front of my men.

A man's wife will respect him.

Now, let's try that again.

Oh, my God, I love you.

I'm, like, the luckiest girl

ever in the history of girls.

That's it. Now, mount up.

Hey, Clinch.

Take a look.

You'd lose half a day

going through Bullhead.

CLINCH:
You, Enoch and

Jordy will ride with me.

We'll take Bilbee Pass

to Sherman Creek Trail.

And make no mistake about the

kind of heat we're going to draw

after we take that stage.

Anna, I'm gonna keep

you out of harm's way.

Lewis, you take Anna and ride east

and hole up here in, uh, Old Stump.

You got that?

We'll let things cool

for a wee bit and then we'll

come for you in 12 days.

(URGES HORSE)

(HORSE NEIGHS)

(WHIMPERING)

Come on, boy.

Come on, Plugger. Come on! Yeah!

Good boy! Let's go!

LEWIS:
Oh, Jesus Christ!

(BLEATING)

Well, look who's up at

2:
00 in the afternoon.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

There's still some pig ass and

sweet cream there if you want it.

(FLY BUZZING)

I'm gonna use the outhouse. Um...

If I die out there, will you

guys just do me one favor?

Just once, I want you

to switch seats.

F*** off.

Okay.

Oh.

Ah, Edward, hey. What's going on?

Oh, my God. Albert,

you look terrible!

Oh, wow, there's that

confidence boost I need.

Thanks a lot. How you doing, buddy?

Well, honestly, I'm a

little worried about you.

I haven't seen you in

town in a week and a half

and, you know, it seems like you're

just staying in and sleeping all day.

(STAMMERING) No, I don't

stay home all day. I go out.

You know what I did on Tuesday?

I went out to Charlie

Blanche's ranch

and I paid him the money I owe him

so he won't shoot me

in the f***ing face.

I did that. That's going out.

Well, that's not really what

I'm talking about. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, look. Here's the

truth, all right?

I just feel like I need to

stay here with my parents.

They're not gonna be

around much longer

and I just want to be able to give

back all the love and affection

that I got growing up.

You know? Right, guys?

(FARTS) Ow!

Oh, you getting the fart

needles again, Dad?

Never mind what I'm getting!

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

I love him so much!

Albert, I know you're taking this

breakup really hard, and I understand,

but you got to get

out of this funk.

I mean, you haven't shorn

your sheep in weeks.

(BLEATING)

Look, you don't know what

this is like, all right.

With all due respect, you have no

f***ing clue what this is like.

All right? You're going

home every night

to your girlfriend who loves you.

- You're having sex with her, and you...

- Ah...

No, Ruth and I have...

We've never done that.

What do you mean you've...

You've never had sex with Ruth?

Yeah. No, no. Yeah.

Wait, doesn't she have sex with, like,

10 guys every day at the whorehouse?

On a slow day, yeah.

But you guys have never had sex?

No. No, Ruth wants to wait

until we get married.

You know, she's a

Christian and so am I,

and we want to save ourselves

for our wedding night.

Edward, have you... Have you

ever had sex with anyone?

Well, there was some sh*t with

my uncle, but that was...

You know, it's really hard

to remember all that stuff.

You know, yeah, you're right.

Things could be a lot worse.

Yeah.

Um, I'll get out, I'll meet

some people. Yeah, thanks.

- Okay.

- (GEORGE FARTS)

Ow! That came out of my penis!

EDWARD:
Man, I see kids everywhere

with those stick hoops lately.

I know. Me, too.

It's got to be bad for

their brains, right?

Yeah, it stunts their

attention span.

I read an article in the paper.

Yeah, I saw that. It's like

they lose the power to innovate

because they're staring at

the stick hoop all day.

Yep.

Oh, by the way, they're delivering

the town's ice shipment today.

You want to go watch?

- Oh, yeah, that'd be fun.

- Yeah!

Yeah. It's always a thrill

when you get to see

that much ice all in one place.

Yeah, I think so, too.

I'm really excited.

Edward, Edward, look, look.

Holy sh*t.

F***ing Foy.

She told me she didn't

want to see anybody.

She told me she had

to work on herself.

Look at that.

Oh, my God. F***ing Foy!

The owner of the Moustachery.

Oh, look at that. He's kissing her.

- EDWARD:
He's frenching her.

- ALBERT:
F***ing Foy!

Maybe you should grow a moustache.

No, I can't afford it.

The creams, the waxes, the lotions.

I don't have the money.

F***ing Foy!

Hey, Albert, maybe we

should just go to church.

It'll make you feel a lot better.

Church is not gonna...

Oh, hey, look! It's the ice!

(CHUCKLES)

Why is it so big?

So it doesn't melt.

EDWARD:
Oh.

That's so neat.

I know. It's actually really

interesting how they do it.

It's this one company out in Boston

that basically cuts

it in big blocks

from frozen lakes and ponds,

and they just ship it all over the...

BOTH:
Oh! Oh...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

That went south so fast!

Oh! Oh!

WILSON:

And make no mistake, my children.

There shall be swift and righteous

justice on all free grazers.

No more shall they nibble wantonly

at the teat of our coffers.

And that's just exactly

like that part in the Bible

that applies to that situation.

I would also like to

offer a heartfelt prayer

to the family of James Addison,

who was killed this morning

while unloading the ice shipment.

James, we will think of

you lovingly this July

as we sip the cold summer beverages

for which you gave your life.

(WHISPERING) They're still

gonna use the f***ing ice.

Now, before we end this

morning's service,

I would like to welcome two

new members to our community.

Lewis Barnes and his sister, Anna.

They've just moved

here to Old Stump

and they plan to build a farm.

And we wish them all the luck.

Well, that concludes

today's service.

So, may God bless you

for another week

and there is a mountain

lion warning in effect.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hi.

Hey, you.

- So, the fair's coming up...

- Mmm?

and I was thinking that we

could go dress shopping later.

I was thinking you

need a new dress.

(GASPS) Something expensive?

Stupidly expensive!

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, Jesus. Wow.

Hi, Albert.

Hello.

What's up, kiddo? Never

seen you in here before.

Just browsing.

Yeah.

You don't have a moustache, though.

No, I know. I was thinking

about growing one.

I'm sorry, I can't...

- I said I was thinking about growing one.

- Oh.

Excuse me, I have to

use the powder room.

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