A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #4

And just what kind of moustache

are you looking to grow?

Um, a big one.

Like one of those

ones that goes down

along the side of my mouth,

and then goes up the

edge of my jaw,

and then becomes my sideburns,

and then becomes my hair.

A Mbius moustache.

Mbius moustache, that's the one.

Yeah. Um...

You should know that

kind of moustache

is a very costly facial accessory.

Yeah, I know that.

Well, you're a sheep farmer.

(SCOFFS)

Let me ask you something. You feel

good about what you're doing?

What exactly am I doing?

Stealing a guy's girlfriend.

That's what you're doing.

You feel good about that?

Hey, Louise dumped you, my friend.

It's not my fault she wanted

someone with more to offer.

I can give her a lavish home.

Warm blankets, wrapped candies.

Can you say the same, Albert?

Can you give Louise

wrapped candies?

You know what? F*** you, man.

Yeah, that's what she's doing.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, hey, sweetie.

Hi!

- Hi, Mark.

- Hey, Ed.

Wow! What a long day!

Oh, what happened?

Oh, gosh! Well, like, this one

man wanted me to smoke a cigar

and then ash on his balls

while I'm jerking him off,

and I'm like, "What?

Can I do all that?"

(LAUGHING)

Yeah.

You know, uh, Ruth,

I've been thinking.

About what?

Well, I love you.

Well, I love you, too.

And we've been together

for a long time.

Wh...

What do you think about us

spending the night together?

You mean having sex?

Maybe not right away, you know?

We could maybe lie together

for the first couple of times

and see how it feels,

and then go from there.

But, Eddie, we're Christians.

I know we're Christians

and I want to do the correct

thing in the eyes of the Lord.

But if we really do

love each other,

don't you think God

would be okay with it?

I don't know.

I mean, you're talking about

pre-marital relations.

Oh! You've got a little thing

right here. I'll get it.

Oops. Oopsie.

- Thank you.

- Oh.

That's it, I'm out.

What?

I'm done. I'm leaving.

I'm going to San Francisco.

What, are you serious?

Because of Louise?

Yes, I'm serious. And, yes,

it is because of Louise.

I don't know how I

lasted this long.

I hate the frontier,

I hate everything in it.

Well, what am I gonna do?

I'm your best friend.

I know. That's... That's why

I want you to have these.

Albert, these are

your favorite socks.

Yeah.

And I want you to have that.

Edward, this is your

lucky handkerchief.

Yeah.

It's sticky.

Well, hello to you, too!

James, I found the friendly locals.

(CHUCKLES)

So he said, "Why don't you

go blow your own horse?"

(LAUGHS)

Hey, watch it, pal.

I think you owe me a drink, fella.

The hell I do.

You best watch where you stand.

I don't think you heard me.

I'm thirsty.

Then why don't you go on down

the river and take a dunk?

Last chance, kid.

(EXHALES)

(CHUCKLING)

(GASPS)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Oh, sh*t!

(GRUNTS)

Albert, hurry! Get in position!

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

We got our own thing

going on over here.

Yeah, nobody needs

to get in on this.

We're both getting

hurt pretty badly.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Nobody needs to come over here.

This fight is way more

violent than yours...

All those other guys' fights.

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

- (GROANING)

- Oh!

You actually hit me!

I'm so sorry.

You f***er!

I put a new move in there.

You don't just put a new move in.

That's why we have the meetings.

(GROANING)

That's where it hurts.

Like, right there.

Like, right underneath my eye.

Yeah, there's a little red spot.

Ow! Careful, it's tender.

(GRUNTING)

- Thank you.

- Sure.

(GUNSHOT)

Sh*t. Come on.

Whoa!

(SIGHS)

Sorry about that.

It's kind of a regular

occurrence around here.

- Really?

- Yeah.

(BOTH SIGH)

Hey, pretty fast hands back there.

- Oh...

- I guess you're a real hero.

Me? No, I'm not the hero.

I'm the guy in the crowd making

fun of the hero's shirt.

- That's who I am.

- Oh.

- Hey, look who's here.

- Who's this?

This is Plugger.

Hey, Plugger.

So, that... That was your

brother in there, huh?

Yeah, Lewis. He's always

been a little rambunctious.

Yeah, he seems like a great guy.

I'm Albert, by the way.

Anna.

You guys just got into town?

Yeah.

Welcome to our awesome town.

Thanks.

Lewis and I just came

out from Kansas City.

Oh, Kansas.

No, it's in Missouri.

Oh, right. That's

annoying and weird.

We were wanting a change,

so we came out to the frontier

looking to build a farm.

- Oh, that's what I do.

- Really?

Yeah, I got a farm about

2 miles from here.

Oh, cattle?

Uh, no, sheep.

- Oh.

- Yep.

Well, that's got to be

fulfilling work, though, right?

Ah, yeah, it's great.

It's like being a dog walker

for 150 really stupid dogs.

(LAUGHS)

- ALBERT:
Oh, sh*t, Plugger!

- ANNA:
Oh, my God!

- Plugger, give it to me. (GROANING)

- Jesus, what is that?

It's the mayor.

- (GLASS SHATTERS)

- (WOMAN SCREAMING)

Oh, sh*t!

So, how did you guys meet?

Uh, she moved to town

a couple years ago

to take over the schoolmarm job.

Our old schoolmarm got her throat

slit by a fast-moving tumbleweed.

- Oh, my God!

- Yeah.

In front of the kids?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. All of them.

ANNA:
Let me help you.

That is just painful to watch.

And, you know, it's like the

whole time we were together

I just remember thinking,

"How can I possibly be this happy?

"She likes me now,

"but one day, she

is gonna figure out

"that she is too good for me."

And then one day, she did.

I feel like I finally tricked one

girl into falling in love with me

and then I lost her.

I think you have this

whole thing upside down.

I mean, it sounds like you've bent

over backwards for this girl,

but what has she given you back?

I told you, she allowed

me to be happy

in a part of the world that

is otherwise a living hell.

"Allowed"? Wow.

That's kind of f***ed up that

you would use that word.

You know that, right?

All I know is that there

is nothing for me out here

if I don't have her.

ANNA:
Well,

if this Foy guy is

that much of a douche,

she'll figure it out

if she's smart.

Sometimes a girl has to get a

few a**holes out of her system

before she realizes what

a good guy looks like.

Mmm. Maybe.

(COUGHING)

- Ah!

- You okay?

(COUGHING) This is actually

my first cigarette ever.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God.

(GASPS)

- Oh, sh*t.

- Diamondback.

- It's a diamondback, yeah.

- F***.

It's okay, just hold perfectly

still, and it'll go away.

Okay, okay.

I don't think you

should leave tomorrow.

At least stay through the weekend.

Isn't the fair on Saturday?

Oh, f*** that. I'm not

going to the stupid fair.

Louise is gonna be there,

and she's gonna be with Foy.

I don't want to put myself through

that kind of f***ing aggravation.

Yeah, well, I'll go with you.

No better way to make your

ex-girlfriend want you back more

than to let her see you

with another girl.

I don't know.

Especially a smoking-hot girl.

When she sees me, she'll

be intimidated as f***.

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