A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #5

Oh, you're very modest, I see.

I'm a little cocky.

But I got great tits.

- (LAUGHING)

- (RATTLING)

- Oh!

- Sorry. Sorry, sir.

Sorry, sir. Sorry, sir.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(KEYS JANGLING)

Barnes, wake up.

Brought you a visitor.

You stupid son of a b*tch.

You shot the pastor's son.

You realize they're probably

gonna hang you for this?

Who gives a f*** what they want?

When Clinch gets into town, it's

not gonna matter what they do.

He'll bust me out

and anyone who tries to stop

him is gonna be a dead man.

You know, one of these days

there's gonna be a man

who's faster than Clinch

and tougher, and stronger.

And then Clinch is

gonna be the dead man.

And I'm gonna smoke a

f***ing cigar to celebrate.

(SCOFFS) I don't think Clinch would

like you talking about him that way.

Not a nice thing for a man's

wife to say about her husband.

Yeah, well,

let's see if he gets here before you

find yourself at the end of a rope.

Tick-tock.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SHEEP BLEATING)

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no!

Guys, no, no, no.

Andrew, Jonathan, no.

Go, go, go. Go home.

(BLEATING)

Hey, sheep boy.

Hey.

Jesus, are you okay? I heard about

your brother getting arrested.

Yeah, I'm fine. And listen, Albert.

Don't worry about Lewis, okay?

Anything that happens to him right

now is his own fault. Got it?

Yeah. Whatever you say, sure.

Good. Let's hit this fair, because

you know what I wanna do?

Eat hot food in 100-degree weather?

No, get my picture taken.

I've never done it before.

- That's horse sh*t.

- No, it's the truth.

- No, that's horse sh*t.

- Whoa! Oh, that is horse sh*t.

Okay. All right.

Okay, everybody hold still!

You know, supposedly,

there's some guy in Texas

who smiled one time while he

was getting his picture taken.

Shut the f*** up. Are you serious?

We were just talking about

that last week. Is that true?

I don't know. I mean, I heard it

somewhere. I don't know if it's true.

Yeah, it sounds like the kind of

bullshit somebody would make up.

Okay. Everybody hold still.

- Oh, my God!

- Holy sh*t!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Hold still!

God! This f***ing fair!

Every year, something

like this happens.

Every year, people die.

- Really?

- Every year.

Last year, there

were two gunfights,

there was a knife fight,

a stage collapsed,

there was a drowning, and

the Indians attacked.

- God, why are the Indians always so mad?

- I don't know.

I mean, we're basically splitting

this country 50-50 with them.

They're just selfish.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Step right up, step right up!

Try a sample of...

Sir and madam, may I

divert your attention

over here just for a moment?

Welcome, welcome. Can I

interest you in a miracle cure?

I have only the finest

healing tonics and elixirs

procured from the farthest

corners of the globe.

"Ogden's Celebrated

Stomach Bitters."

Can I just ask, celebrated by who?

Who's celebrating about

stomach bitters?

God. Look at the ingredients.

"Cocaine, alcohol, morphine,

mercury with chalk."

What the hell is

"mercury with chalk"?

Science!

And "red flannel."

Red flannel? There's shirt in here?

Pieces of shirt.

Okay, thank you very much.

Would you like to try?

- ALBERT:
Oh, my God.

- ANNA:
What?

That's them. That's them.

(STUTTERING)

Quick, pretend you just

said something funny to me.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God!

You are... You are so hilarious!

Where do you come up... No, sh*t!

You pretend I said something funny.

Albert, stop. Stop.

Just introduce me. Come on.

I'm not gonna introduce you...

- Oh, hi!

- Hey.

Uh, Foy and Louise, right?

- Mmm-hmm.

- That's right.

Uh, this is Anna. She's...

- I'm his girlfriend.

- She's my girlfriend.

- ANNA:
Mmm-hmm.

- She's the new GF. Big time.

A lot of sexual activity.

All the time. I live inside her.

So, if you want to

send me a letter,

you gotta address it

care of her vagina.

Yep.

I have that skirt.

- Oh, you do?

- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I wore it to the

fair, like, two years ago.

But good for you for

trying to bring it back.

Well, I figure only

a complete idiot

would throw away a

perfectly good thing.

We were gonna go check out the

shooting gallery over there.

- You guys wanna join?

- What?

Yeah, it'd be fun, right?

Oh, yes, and let's make

things interesting.

A nickel a target.

You know, that's actually, uh,

a little rich for my blood.

Uh, how about a penny?

What's the matter, Albert? Is

business (IMITATING BLEATING) bad?

(CHUCKLING)

No, no. A penny it is.

Good Lord, Albert, you're

such a "sheepskate." Oh!

(LAUGHING) Wow!

Oh...

Let's go, Louise. You

can "shear" me on.

Oh, no, I didn't!

- LOUISE:
You're so funny, baby.

- FOY:
Thank you.

Shall we?

(WHISPERING) Come on.

Wait, wait, no, no.

There you are, my good man.

Indeed.

Oh, wow. That seems unnecessary.

What's wrong with ducks

or rabbits or something?

Mmm-hmm.

Six shots, six hits.

Quite the marksman!

There you go, ma'am.

- Thank you, baby.

- (CHUCKLING)

(BOTH MOANING)

Care to try?

You got it.

Just breathe.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Seems you owe me six

cents, sheep herder.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Jesus.

Wait. Hang on a sec.

You wanna make this interesting?

If I can shoot six out of six on

Albert's behalf, you owe him a dollar.

If I can't,

- he owes you a dollar.

- Wait, what?

- A dollar?

- I've never seen a dollar.

Nobody's got a dollar!

Let us see the dollar!

Well, this is interesting.

All right. Do your best, ma'am.

(IMITATING BLEATING)

How fast can this thing go?

Oh, you can play double or triple

speeds, but that's for the experts.

As fast as you can.

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Holy sh*t!

Congratulations!

You're a winner!

Thank you.

Come on, you owe him a dollar.

(CROWD GASPS)

There it is!

It's beautiful!

Take your hat off, boy.

That's a dollar bill!

Well, a man whose girlfriend

does his shooting for him.

Isn't that a fine how-do-you-do?

(CROWD LAUGHING)

I said, "Isn't that a

fine how-do-you-do?"

(LAUGHING HARDER)

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

(STAMMERING) How is that funny?

What's funny about that?

"How do you do" is a greeting.

Why is that funny?

You, why are you laughing?

I don't know. He was laughing.

It seems your ex-boyfriend

doesn't have a sense of humor.

I can see why you dumped him.

Hey!

You wanna back up that

attitude, a**hole?

Oh, you are kidding.

Never been more serious in

my life. You and me, pistols.

You wouldn't have a prayer, kiddo.

Tomorrow, 8:
00 a.m., sharp.

All right, challenge accepted!

Oh, gosh. Tomorrow is bad for me,

and I really wanna be there.

Why don't we say a week from today?

That works for you, right, Albert?

Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

A week from today.

I got sheep stuff I gotta

do tomorrow, anyway.

One week.

Come on, Louise.

I'll buy you some sugared

butter shavings.

(IMITATING BLEATING)

Oh, sh*t!

Wow.

What the f*** did I just do?

You just challenged

Foy to a gunfight.

I have no idea what just happened.

(STAMMERING)

I was, like, out of my body.

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