A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #6

Albert, did you see the

look on Louise's face?

No. Why?

She was aroused. She was impressed.

You had a fire in your belly

for a second there, pal.

Bet you never showed

her that side before.

Yeah, I don't have that side to me.

I honestly don't know

what just happened.

Albert, you got her attention.

You beat this guy at a gunfight,

I bet she thinks twice

about dumping you.

Anna, I can't be in a gunfight.

What am I, Clinch Leatherwood here?

- I'll get killed!

- Whoa!

Why would you say that?

Because he's the most vicious

gunfighter in the territory,

which I am not!

No, you're not Clinch Leatherwood.

You're gonna be okay, Albert.

That week I just bought you is enough

time for me to teach you how to shoot.

You'll be fine.

Oh, yeah, by the way,

that's another thing.

How the f*** can you

shoot like that?

Who the hell are you?

My father was a gun maker. I could

shoot a gun before I could walk.

Whatever. I'm sick to my stomach.

My stomach is in knots.

You're worked up, that's

what it is. Let's get a drink.

Come on.

Hey! It's our sweet young couple.

Could I interest you folks

in some Wildroot Cream-Oil?

(CROWD SCREAMING)

People die at the fair.

ANNA:
Okay, so you're gonna

take your right thumb,

put it all the way to the left.

Cross it over, cradle

it right in there,

and then just extend it

straight through your...

- Like that?

- Straight.

Wow, you've never

fired a gun before.

I... I have not. I own a gun.

No, I fired a gun at

the shooting gallery.

Yeah, but those were quarter loads.

These are full loads.

Okay, all right, get ready. I'm about

to shoot a full load at your cans.

(LAUGHING)

Shut the f*** up and focus.

All right. Okay.

(SIGHS)

This is never gonna work.

- This is not working.

- It's gonna work.

It's gonna work and Louise is

gonna come running back to you.

How the hell do you

get these things out?

(LAUGHING)

I'm sitting there

jerking that thing off.

(SIGHS)

Hey, why are you

being so nice to me?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, you show

up out of nowhere.

You're this complete anomaly in my

world of terribleness out here.

I mean, you must have a million

better things to do than this.

What, I can't make a new friend?

You sure look like

you could use one.

I guess. I mean, I just... I just

don't know anything about you.

Well, can I ask you

something about you?

Yeah, sure.

Why do you love Louise?

(SIGHS)

I mean, take your pick. She's...

I feel great when I'm with her.

She's classy, she's fun,

she's insanely gorgeous.

Hey, no. Look, she's

really pretty, yes.

But honestly, and I'm

sorry to say this,

I don't see what else

she's got going for her.

My impression was that she was a

little sour and self-absorbed.

And for a guy with so

much going for him,

I just thought that maybe you...

I don't know what you think

I have going for me, but...

You see? There you go again,

just cutting yourself down.

You act like this

girl was performing

some kind of a charitable

act by dating you.

Albert, you're a catch.

You're sweet, you're

funny, you're smart.

You've made something

of yourself out here.

You know, a lot of

people can't say that.

You're a good sheep farmer.

Oh, my God, please.

I suck at sheep.

Louise was right. I can't

keep track of them.

There was a sheep in the

whorehouse last week.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Wandered in there, and then

when I went to pick it up,

somehow, it had made $20.

(LAUGHING)

But, you know, thank you

anyway for what you said.

Oh, look, the West f***ing sucks,

but the frontier is

not your problem.

It's you.

You need a little confidence

boost, my friend.

Now, aim up, sheep boy.

- Oh!

- Hey!

- There we go!

- See? There!

All righty. That's one.

So, all I gotta do is get Foy to let

me shoot 16 times before he shoots

and then I win!

You're gonna do great, I promise.

- Easy.

- We're gonna get there.

(GUNSHOT)

- (LAUGHING) Hey!

- Yes!

(SCREAMING)

Oh!

God damn it, Albert!

No more friends!

ANNA:

You know, you did great today.

So much better than last week.

And I have a surprise for you.

You have earned one of Anna Barnes'

very special

super-super-secret cookies.

Mmm-hmm.

- Wait, what is this?

- Mmm-hmm?

This is a pot... This is

a pot cookie, isn't it?

- It's a pot cookie.

- No, no, no.

No. I don't do well

with that stuff at all.

It's a pot cookie.

Yeah, I know. No, thank you.

Just have a little bit with me.

My worst fear is to OD

on a recreational drug.

- (STAMMERS) No, thank you.

- On a pot cookie?

The last time somebody

gave me one of these

I became convinced that prairie

dogs could read my mind.

Just take a little bit.

- I'll take a very, very small bite.

- Just a small bite.

- A very small bite.

- That's it.

Are you kidding me?

Nope. Deadly serious.

- (LAUGHING)

- Let's see what this does

and if I don't throw

myself off this cliff

during some awful

freak-out, then...

Just take that little

bit, right there.

- Well, now you've touched it.

- (LAUGHING)

Take the other side. There you go.

There.

And now, we just wait

for the sun to set.

This is really weird.

- Is it supposed to be like this?

- (CHUCKLING)

You gave me the right

amount, right?

You don't think I took too much?

- Just ride it out.

- This is...

Wow, my bones are in

really deep today.

Like, there's a lot more

skin than there usually is.

I think my body is padding

up for the winter,

which is weird, because

it's not winter.

But there's a lot more there.

(ANNA LAUGHING)

Oh...

(SWALLOWING)

There's something wrong

with my swallowing.

This is not how I usually swallow.

(SQUEAKING)

Oh, my God, Anna, he knows.

What, what, what?

He knows what we're doing,

he knows what this is.

He knows what this is.

I don't wanna... No,

I don't wanna join.

I don't wanna join up.

Suppertime, you lazy prick.

(SNORING)

Goddamn waste of lungs.

(GRUNTING)

Who's lazy now, Sheriff?

(CHUCKLES)

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(WHOOPING)

Hey.

Wow.

You look amazing.

And maybe a little uncomfortable.

Oh, sh*t!

I'm totally overdressed, aren't I?

No.

I've never done formal before.

And the lady at the boutique

told me to buy this

and no one else is wearing this.

(STAMMERS) Who cares what...

These are all f***ers.

You look fantastic.

I look like Jane Austen

threw up all over me.

(LAUGHING) You do not look

like Jane Austen threw...

No, you look absolutely beautiful.

You can breathe in

that thing, right?

There's nothing I like more than

putting on some

loose, baggy clothes,

and just being able to relax.

Yeah, this is an end-of-the-workday

outfit you have on.

I'm very glad I

remembered the six items

I somehow require to

hold up my pants.

Oh, yeah.

I like your bustle, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

I really love that the most

alluring fashion statement

a woman can make today

is to simulate a fat ass.

- That is a simulation of a fat ass,

right there. - Thank you.

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