A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #7

If I was a black guy, this is the

meanest trick you could play on me.

Because I'd be like,

"Oh, my God! Look.

"There's a fat ass, my favorite."

And then I'd lift it up and I'd be

like, "Oh, sh*t, it's a big joke."

I know, exactly, because

when you lift it up

there's nothing but a

metal cage under there.

ALBERT:
Wow!

You are ready to relieve

the stress of the day.

Completely.

(SIGHS)

Well, at the very least,

this will be a good way

to spend my last

night alive, right?

Albert.

What?

Do you trust me?

Yeah, I do.

Good. You're gonna be fine.

If I thought you were

gonna lose this gunfight,

I'd make you call it off. Okay?

(SIGHS)

Yeah, okay.

Trust me.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hey, how about it

for the James Gang?

Thank you. Hey, hey, it's great

to be back here in Old Stump.

Any Indians here tonight?

How'd you get tickets?

Let me guess. Scalpers.

But I tell ya, folks, this telegraph

machine... That thing is nuts.

I mean, sure, it's faster

than the Pony Express,

but what good is it if you can't

send a picture of your dick?

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Okay, they're giving

me the lantern.

Enjoy the bison and I hope

you're enjoying your drinks

as much as my horse enjoyed

making them for you.

Now, let's all line up for

the sweetheart dance.

Come on, let's go.

No, no, no! I suck at dancing.

No one will notice.

How will they not notice?

Because you suck at everything.

Well, well!

Hello, there, sheepie.

Hello, Foy. Hey, Louise.

Hey, Albert.

So, big day tomorrow.

Care for a last dance?

With you?

No, not with me.

- I mean, the dance.

- Oh!

Yeah. No, yeah, no.

She and I are gonna dance.

And now, to serenade us

for the sweetheart dance,

our very own Marcus Thornton!

Sh*t crowd.

(INAUDIBLE)

(SIGHS) Ready for weird, stiff,

traditional frontier dancing?

F***, yes.

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

You men who long for love

You mustn't all despair

There's a secret you should know

To capture the hearts of the fair

You may not have the looks

You may not have the dash

But you'll win yourself a girl

If you've only got a moustache

A moustache

A moustache

If you've only got a moustache

You may be common folk

Without a hint of pride

But you needn't be a king

To make any maiden a bride

You may not have the name

You may not have the cash

But you'll make that girl your own

If you've only got a moustache

A moustache

A moustache

If you've only got a moustache

You may be big and fat

Or uglier than sin

All the ladies shut you out

You're wondering how to get in

Well, here is my advice

For how to make a splash

You can have your pick of gals

If you've only got a moustache

A moustache

A moustache

If you've only got a moustache

A moustache, a moustache,

a moustache

Big moustache, thick moustache

My moustache, your moustache

Say the word, the word "moustache"

A moustache, a moustache

Now we both have said "moustache"

A moustache

A moustache

If you've only got a moustache

(CROWD CHEERING)

F***ing a**hole.

How about I steal a bottle of

whiskey and we get out of here?

Love that idea.

I'll be right back.

Your dick's out.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(LAUGHING)

Hey.

So, Albert and I are gonna split,

but I just wanted to come by

and wish you luck tomorrow.

Thank you.

So, I guess it's kind of weird

knowing that a woman

can outshoot you, huh?

If you don't mind,

my girlfriend and I are

enjoying each other's company.

Want to know the

real kicker, though?

I can outdrink you, too.

That, I can assure

you, is impossible.

Fifty cents to the winner.

One,

two,

three.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, sh*t!

Don't feel bad.

Alcohol doesn't harmonize well with a

woman's frail constitution, anyway.

I guess not.

Here you go.

You can buy your

girlfriend a brain.

Excuse me?

You're an idiot.

You have the nicest guy in the world

throwing himself at your feet

and here you are with

this complete a**hole.

Who I go out with

is my own business.

So, why don't you

mind your own, b*tch?

How are you so blind

with eyes that big?

Enjoy your night.

- (HUFFS)

- They're not that big.

No, my dear, they're

practically Chinese.

God, I love you.

- I love you, too.

- (MOANING)

How's that?

Ooh. (COUGHING)

- Wow.

- (INHALES SHARPLY)

- Um...

- It'll keep us warm, though.

Are you cold?

A little.

Here, take...

- No, no, no! It's okay.

- No, it's fine. Here.

This has been in my family

for 97 generations.

(SIGHS)

I can't get that goddamn

moustache song out of my head.

Oh, just think of another song.

I can't. There's only,

like, three songs.

Oh, that's true. And they're

all by Stephen Foster.

Yeah.

Mmm.

(SIGHS) Um...

Hey, you know, whatever

happens tomorrow,

I just... I just want

to say thank you.

Uh...

I couldn't have gotten

this far without you.

And this may be the booze talking,

or your pep talk, or both,

but I think I can do it.

You know, I think I can beat him.

Well, I'll tell you this, you

sound a lot more confident

than that guy who dragged me out

of the saloon not too long ago.

You know, it's funny.

I still feel like I don't know

anything about you

after all this time.

And I feel like every time I bring

it up, you change the subject.

There really isn't

that much to tell.

My story is a lot like

yours, I suppose.

Because I'll tell you, I hate the

West just as much as you do.

Do you really?

For my own reasons, but, yeah.

Oh, I like you even more now.

There is something about

connecting over mutual hatred

that's just so much

deeper than mutual love.

It's true, right?

If two people hate the same

things, it creates a bond.

Hate can move mountains.

(LAUGHING) Yes.

Oh, hey, you know what?

Before I forget.

Hey, Bridget, Bridget.

- Yeah, she knows. Come here. There we go.

- (ANNA LAUGHING)

ANNA:
Oh, my God.

What is this?

This is just a little

something to say thank you.

Albert.

It's nothing huge, it's just...

Okay, don't get too excited.

What is it? What is it? What is it?

Holy sh*t.

ALBERT:
(LAUGHING) I know, right?

- He's smiling.

- Yeah.

No, in the picture, he's smiling!

ALBERT:
Isn't that amazing?

I bought that off a peddler who was

coming through town last week.

- This is the guy I was telling you about.

- Uh-huh.

I didn't even know this existed.

- And apparently, he's not insane.

- Bullshit!

That's what the guy told me.

It takes 30 seconds

to take a photograph.

This guy would have

had to sit there

and smile for 30 sustained seconds.

I know. I've never been happy for

30 seconds in a row in my life.

No one has. It's the f***ing West!

He's gotta be insane!

Who the f*** knows?

This is incredibly sweet.

(STAMMERING) It's nothing. It's...

I owe you.

No one's ever done

anything like this for me.

Oh, come on, now. (CHUCKLES)

Thank you.

Uh...

I'm sorry.

I... I shouldn't have done that.

No, it's... It's fine.

You...

You've just been a really good

friend to me. That's all.

Yeah. I, um...

It's late.

Yeah, I should take you home.

(CHUCKLES)

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