A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #8

- (GRUNTS)

- (CHUCKLES)

Oh, thanks.

Good luck tomorrow.

I'm gonna be there.

Good. (CHUCKLES)

Okay.

Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLES) Good night.

Good night.

(HORSE NEIGHS)

(CRACKLING)

Hello?

(EXCLAIMS)

What, uh... What's that?

Nothing. (STUTTERING)

It's a weather experiment.

Oh.

Great Scott!

Are you sure you can't call it off?

Of course not. I'd

be branded a coward.

Baby, if you fight him

tomorrow, you will kill him.

Yes, that's what

happens in a gunfight.

But he's not a bad guy, Foy.

I mean, yeah, he's kind of a loser

and he always smells like sheep,

but he doesn't deserve to be shot.

Louise!

My decision is final.

Now, do it.

Hey, I'm really tired.

Louise!

(MOANING)

My social stature is significant.

I'm an important man.

I have my own business.

People envy me.

(STOMACH RUMBLING)

Ooh...

- What's wrong?

- (GROANS)

- Foy!

- Not now!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hello, sweetheart.

(MOUTHING) Where's Anna?

(STOMACH RUMBLING)

(SIGHS)

Well, now,

I didn't think you'd show, sheepie.

Yeah, listen, Foy...

Oh...

Oh. Oh...

(FARTING)

(GASPING)

(FARTING)

(SIGHING)

(FARTS)

(FARTS)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(STRAINING)

Holy sh*t. You all... You all done?

I'm good.

Okay.

Listen, Foy,

she's all yours.

(SIGHS)

Louise,

you know, I really

do care about you.

But, I don't know,

somewhere along the line

I guess I just forgot that a

relationship is a two-way street.

And I've been reminded recently

of what it's like to have

somebody care about me.

And I like it.

So, if you want to spend the rest of

your life with a p*ssy full of hair,

I say, go with God and

best of luck to you.

You know, I just realized that last

joke might not have been clear.

I didn't mean that she

has a hairy p*ssy.

I meant that Foy has a moustache,

so, you know, he gets hair in her

when he goes down there.

Yeah. (IMITATING GUNFIRE)

I got it.

Anna?

- Coward.

- Thank you.

She's not there.

- Well, I'm sure she's okay.

- I don't understand.

We've been prepping for

this gunfight for a week.

She wouldn't just not show up.

Hey, do you... Do you think

you guys are gonna have sex?

Uh...

Maybe, at some point. I don't know.

Well, when you do, let us know

because maybe we can make

it an all-us-friends thing.

You know, we can all get in

sync together, sexually.

- Edward, we are not having sex.

- Sorry.

Ruth! Let's f***!

Coming!

(CHUCKLING)

She keeps my head on straight.

(WHISPERING) Clinch Leatherwood.

Great.

Look at this. Another

thing that can kill us.

We should all just wear

coffins as clothes.

Shh.

Somebody in this wee shithole

of a town is going to die.

One of my boys saw a man

kissing my wife last night.

I want to know who it was.

Oh, man!

Somebody's gonna get f***ed up.

Now, you all seem like good folk.

And good folk know better than

to take what isn't theirs.

And this... (WHISTLES)

This is mine.

So, I'm going to ask one more time.

Who was it?

Mmm?

Who?

(CROWD GASPS)

Now, you make sure he

gets this message.

Either he meets me outside in the

main thoroughfare at noon tomorrow

or I start killing more people.

All right? (SCOFFS)

Albert, you gotta get out of here.

(HORSE NEIGHS)

(HUFFS)

Boys, there's an abandoned sod

house back around that bend.

We'll stash the gold there.

Ben, you take the men

and set up camp.

I need some alone

time with my wife.

Got it, Clinch.

Let's go, boys. Come on!

Go on, get down.

(GROANS)

Who was it?

Huh?

Mark Twain.

What? Is it?

Jesus. How f***ing stupid are you?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Who?

(EXHALING)

I'm not gonna ask you again. Who?

Okay, it's... It's Sheriff Brady.

But please, please, please.

I'm begging you.

Don't hurt him, okay?

After all the lovely years

we've been together

you think I don't know

when you're lying?

- I'm not.

- (BARKING)

Plugger.

Tell me who it is or Plugger gets

plugged between his pretty eyes.

- Come on, Clinch.

- You think I'm joking?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Okay, okay, okay.

Who?

(SIGHS)

It's Albert Stark.

Albert Stark.

That's better.

I've been keeping it nice and soft.

See?

(MOANING)

Mmm!

I've missed you, baby.

Oh, I've missed you a lot.

(COUGHS)

The longer the ride,

the lonelier a man gets.

And he needs the comforting touch

of the woman he loves to

soothe his tired bones.

And now, I'm here,

you're here,

and we have time to

be husband and wife.

The proper way.

Hey, a**hole.

(GRUNTS)

(HUFFS)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, sh*t.

I can't leave him like that.

That's better.

(HORSE APPROACHING)

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

ANNA:
Albert?

Albert!

Albert, you gotta get out of here.

Yeah, that's... That's

what I'm doing.

No, no, no. Like, right now.

Clinch is gonna be looking for you.

Yeah, I'm leaving.

Uh, I'm going to San Francisco.

Just what I should

have done a week ago.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, you know, so am I.

What about your dad?

I asked him if he wanted

to come, and he said no.

He's up on the hill, burying

himself next to Mom.

Look, I never meant to mislead...

Okay, you know what, Anna?

Don't even waste my time, okay?

Don't even waste my time.

You had a million opportunities to

tell me, and you just f***ing lied.

I didn't lie.

What would you call it?

You're married to the most

vicious killer in the territory.

You don't think maybe that's

something you should have told me?

I didn't tell you because I

was trying to protect you.

Oh, bullshit! You were looking

out for your own self-interest.

And because I liked you.

I didn't want to scare you away.

I never thought I'd meet

someone like you, Albert.

What, somebody who hasn't killed

people? Somebody like that?

Yeah, that's really hard to find.

That's why women are always going,

"Oh, my God. Why are all

the non-murderers taken?"

Hey. It's not my fault, all right?

We were married when I was nine.

Nine? (SCOFFS)

How does that even work?

Was there a ceremony?

Yeah, of course there was a...

My parents were there,

and a couple of neighbors.

I just didn't want to end

up like one of those

15-year-old spinsters, you know?

You know, I don't even know...

I don't even know

why I'm surprised.

Every girl that I ever fall in love

with ends up disappointing me.

And every time, I'm surprised.

You love me?

Oh, you know what?

I'm over it. You can go.

All right. I lied, fine.

What was I supposed

to say, Albert? Tell me.

Was I supposed to go,

"Oh hi, I'm Anna!

"I've been f***ing a

killer since I was 10"?

Oh, he waited a year?

What a gentleman.

Well, late nine. I rounded it up.

It doesn't matter.

I'm done with him.

I knocked him out, and I stuck

a daisy in his a**hole.

You what?

That's how much you mean to me.

You know,

I loved a girl who

doesn't even exist.

Is your name even Anna? Huh?

Or is it something

terrible, like Gwendolyn?

My name is Anna. I'm that

same girl you fell in love with.

That was the real me.

Possibly for the first

time in my entire life.

I just didn't think I

deserved a good guy.

But you know what? I do.

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