A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #9

I love you.

(SHEEP BLEATING)

(HORSES APPROACHING)

It's Clinch.

Oh, sh*t.

There's a trail out back

that leads out to the ridge.

Go.

- He's gonna kill...

- Anna, just go!

Albert, he always shoots on "two."

(BLEATING)

(HORSE NEIGHS)

(HUFFS)

Enoch, Jordy, look

after the horses.

He ain't here, Clinch.

Oh, he's around. He's around.

Stark!

I know you're here, Stark!

Ben, check the outhouse.

Lewis, the shed.

(BLEATING)

(GASPING)

(GUN C*CKS)

Lewis.

Sometime this week, yeah?

Sorry, boss.

(GUN C*CKS)

(BLEATING)

Hey!

There he goes! Boss!

Sh*t.

- Get him!

- (HORSE NEIGHING)

Hyah!

(TRAIN HORN BLOWS)

(GRUNTING)

(TRAIN HORN BLOWS)

Hyah!

Ha!

(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)

(HORSE NEIGHS)

(HUFFS)

What in the hell do we do now?

He'll be back.

Ah, Curtis. That was

exceptional, buddy.

I tell you,

when we get out of this, I'm

gonna get you some horse whores.

Sound good?

Get you whatever you want.

Can even get you a cow,

if you want one of those.

Want to f*** a cow?

You seem like a pretty

sexually adventurous guy.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Now, how the f***

do you make a fire?

EDWARD:

Are you sure you want to do this?

RUTH:
Yes, I'm absolutely sure.

EDWARD:
Wow, I can't believe we're

actually gonna have sex. (CHUCKLES)

RUTH:
Eddie, with Clinch Leatherwood

in town, we could all die tomorrow.

So, under the circumstances,

I think God will forgive us.

Okay, here we go.

Are you excited?

Yeah, this is my first vagina.

You've never seen one?

No. I feel like I should have

a piece of cake or something.

Okay, you ready?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

(SOFTLY) Okay.

What?

Are you in pain right now?

You don't like it.

No, I love it!

Yeah, yeah, it's just...

(CHUCKLING)

It looks like a firecracker

wrapped in roast beef.

Yeah, but there's more to it.

That's just the outside.

There's folds.

Okay! I'm gonna close

the Bible now.

Eddie, it's supposed

to be like that.

It is?

It's gonna feel good.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm really glad I didn't

have that piece of cake.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, okay.

Okay, ready?

This is gonna be good.

You're gonna like this.

EDWARD:
Okay, easy, now.

Sorry. This is...

Yeah. Wow.

Okay, is that...

- Right there?

- RUTH:
Yeah.

EDWARD:
Sure, okay. Wow.

(MOANING)

Okay, I get it. It's

pretty big, right?

RUTH:
Yeah, you're huge!

EDWARD:
No, I meant you.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(GRUNTS)

- Anna!

- Ruth, can I come in?

Sure.

(WHISPERING) Clinch is out there.

He's coming up the stairs!

Sh*t!

Please don't shoot us on sex night.

(GASPS)

You and I have a problem.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

(GASPS)

Oh, sh*t.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SIGHS)

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(SIGHS)

It's coming. I see it, I see it.

(BABY COOING)

It's a boy, Mr. Stark.

All right.

Well, don't you want

to come hold the baby?

F*** off.

Now, you put that under your pillow

and the tooth fairy

will leave you a penny.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(GASPS)

There ain't no tooth fairy, idiot!

Now, clean up that horse sh*t!

Class, please welcome

our graduation speaker,

President Abraham Lincoln.

Hiya, shmucks!

Four score and seven years ago,

I was broke,

just like you.

But now, I'm the president

and I'm so f***ing rich.

I can have all the licorice I want.

I don't think that's the

real President Lincoln.

ALBERT:
Hey, Louise!

Louise, check out

this cool bike I got!

Hey, you want to go down to the...

(SCREAMING) Oh, sh*t!

- (WOMEN SCREAMING)

- No! Sorry! Sorry!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

No, no, no!

(CLAMORING)

Stop!

Get back here!

Sh*t, not again.

Get that son of a b*tch!

(ALL SHOUTING)

(GROANING)

ANNA:
You're an idiot.

How can you be so blind

with eyes that big?

They're not that big.

(SCREAMING)

- FOY:
Pardon me, Albert.

- (PANTING)

The lads and I have prepared

something special for you.

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

You may not have the looks

You may not have the dash

But you'll win yourself a girl

If you've only got a moustache

A moustache

A moustache

If you've only got a moustache

We are the guardians of the future.

Enter when ready.

- (HISSES)

- (GASPS)

(LOUD THUD)

(SCREECHING)

Stark!

(SHRIEKING)

(GASPING)

(IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)

(SIGHS)

(ANNA GRUNTS)

(BARKS)

All right, sweetheart.

Let's find out if your wee

boyfriend gives a sh*t about you.

He's got

six minutes till noon.

And if he doesn't show,

he'll be picking up pieces

of you all over the street.

Stark!

Oh, look who's here.

(GROANS)

Let her go, Clinch.

Well, now, true love conquers

all, doesn't it, sweetheart?

Let her go,

and let's you and me just

settle this like adults.

(LAUGHING)

Lewis, Ben.

- Come and take this whore.

- Albert.

Don't be stupid, Albert!

Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Too late for that.

He's already been stupid.

Haven't you, Albert?

You've been with my wife.

Well, we haven't actually done it,

if that makes any

kind of a difference.

Okay, look, look, look.

Here's my idea, okay?

You're a pretty tough guy, yeah?

Why don't you prove it?

Gunfight. You and me.

Right here. Right now.

(CHUCKLES)

You really do have a

death wish, don't you?

Yeah, I guess you'll have

to find that out, huh?

Uh-huh.

Take out your gun.

Point it at me.

(SOFTLY) No.

Good boy.

Now, we shoot on three.

One.

(GASPS)

(LAUGHING)

(GROANS)

(WHIMPERS)

I've been playing cards a long time

and I would never have

bet on that, Stark.

Where'd you learn to shoot?

Your wife.

Oh, snap!

Holy f***.

Okay, look, look, look!

Before you kill me,

just grant me a few

last words. All right?

Make it quick.

Let Anna live.

All right?

Let her live.

This is not her fault.

I kissed her, she didn't

kiss me, all right?

It's not her fault.

I mean, she didn't tell

me she was married,

so it's a little bit

her fault, I guess.

So, yeah, I guess

that's kind of true.

So, maybe just shoot

her in the arm.

What the...

And one more thing.

Um, my grandparents were Arabic.

So, I'm required by

Muslim tradition

to recite the Islamic death

chant immediately before dying.

This will only take a moment.

(CHANTING)

(CREAKS)

Hey, what's the matter, Clinch?

You not feeling well?

You okay, boss?

What's happening to me?

You know, there are a million

ways to die in the West, Clinch.

There's, uh, famine,

disease, gunfights.

And, uh, wild animals.

You know, like snakes.

And, you know, the funny thing is,

you don't even have to get bitten.

All you need is a

little bit of the venom

introduced into your bloodstream

and you're pretty much screwed.

For example, if you drain

a certain amount of venom

from the fangs of a diamondback

rattler into a hollow-tip bullet,

you really only need one shot.

Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough

to hit you anywhere important.

But if I caught you by surprise...

Well, Anna taught me just enough

to get me in the ballpark.

And just a small amount

of venom in an open wound

is enough to kill a man if he's...

RUTH:
Albert.

He's dead. You did it.

Oh.

Yeah.

Did he hear all that

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