A Modern Twain Story: The Prince and the Pauper Page #5

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- Oh, thanks.

- That wasn't like anything...

That was so different from everything else.

It was really good.

That was excellent!

Elizabeth, you were great.

Eddie, that was awesome.

We're gonna do one more for safety,

okay, buddy?

- All righty.

- All right. Settle in, everybody.

Come on, Mom. Pick up.

Mom. How could you do this, Mom?

Come back and get me.

I'm in some crazy man's house

back in Palm Beach.

I...

I don't even know where I am.

Tom!

Tom! Time to go!

Hey. You see Tom?

Tom?

Yeah, Tom. He's not in his room.

He's supposed to work today.

Yeah, I saw him.

He left a little while ago

to play baseball down at the field.

- Baseball?

- Yeah.

- Are you sure?

- That's what he said.

You should lay off that kid a little,

you know?

- What'd you say?

- I think you're a little hard on him, that's all.

You think I care what you think?

Fine life you're living.

- I'm just saying.

- Yeah, well, don't say.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

Turn your engines off

and keep your hands in the air!

Is this the way to Miami?

Good morning.

This is the appearance we postponed,

remember?

Eddie? You gonna speak to me?

You said we could go back to Palm Beach.

We will, okay? I promise.

We didn't get finished shooting

until late last night,

but everybody is talking about

what a great job you did.

So just keep your answers short and sweet.

- Did you get that last part?

- What part?

- Sweet.

- Yeah, I got it.

Yeah, well, your mother said to have fun

and she couldn't be here

because she has a production meeting

that she couldn't get out of.

So listen, we'll keep this fairly simple.

I'll ask you a couple of questions

about the movie, and you say it's great.

Maybe throw in a funny story,

something like that.

- Does that sound good?

- Yeah, sounds great.

Great. So let's get started.

So, here we are at the Tiki Grill

with the one, the only,

our favorite Spy Teen, Eddie Tudor.

So tell me, Eddie,

how does a good Spy Teen start his day?

What did you eat for breakfast

this morning?

A piece of gum, I think.

A piece of gum. Wow.

Kids, don't try that at home.

Tell us,

is there a lovely she-spy in your life?

What?

You know. Don't be secretive.

Do you have a girlfriend?

No, no. Not currently.

And here's the question

we are all dying to know.

Are you a briefs or boxers kind of guy?

You mean my underwear?

Yes, of course. It says a lot about a person.

Oh.

I guess whatever my Pop buys me.

Your pop?

It's widely documented

that your father is no longer in the picture.

Is this an exclusive that you are now

back in contact with your deadbeat dad?

This interview is over.

- Excuse me, sir?

- Can I help you?

What happened to the boat

that was docked here?

Oh, don't worry about it.

They caught the kid that stole it.

They've got him down

at the police station right now.

Who would have thought

a 14-year-old kid could hot-wire a boat?

Thanks.

- Who are you?

- What?

Don't play games with me.

I know you're not Eddie, I know it.

So you can tell me who you are,

or you can wait

until I call everybody else out here

and they can ask you, too.

So who are you?

Tom Canty.

- Where's Eddie?

- Somewhere in Palm Beach.

How?

Look, we switched places. It was a joke.

And he was supposed to come back

at the end of the day, but he never showed.

I had no idea I'd end up in Miami.

- Don't tell anyone.

- Don't tell?

Eddie!

Elizabeth, I need to speak to Eddie alone,

please. Thank you.

Sure. I was just leaving.

Eddie, I need to know

what's going on with you.

Do you think I'm a bad mother?

- What?

- Look, I work really hard for you, Eddie.

I work hard for us.

Look, I'm sorry you don't have a father.

I'm sorry you don't know who he is.

Okay, you want to know about him? Fine.

He was an actor who couldn't cut it.

So he left the business, and so he left us.

Okay, he left us before he knew you were

in the picture.

You're old enough to know that now.

And I decided not to tell him about you

because we are better off that way.

Someday, when you're older,

you'll understand that.

But those are our secrets, Eddie.

These are not things

that you tell people on TV.

I mean, what is this story that you made up

about your father buying you

your underwear?

And let me tell you something else.

If you ever leave me

another freaky voice message

saying that you're trapped

in some crazy man's house in Palm Beach,

oh, you're going to get it.

Do you understand?

- Do you understand me?

- Yes, yes. I'm sorry.

You know, you are really starting

to freak me out, Eddie! Just knock it off!

I didn't steal it. It's my boat!

No dice, kid.

You better start piping up

and tell us who to call to bail you out.

Either that or you spend the night here.

Don't scare the kid.

You know very well he's a minor

with no previous charges.

- He didn't even get that far in the darn boat.

- Oh, wow.

You're that guy. You were on that show.

I remember you.

Come on, Tom.

I posted bail for you,

and I didn't tell your Pop, okay?

Come on, let's hear it.

What was that line you used to say

at the beginning of every show?

Burt Donavan, Miami Squad.

You know, I remember that show.

You were a huge star. A real mean guy, too.

I brought my kid to the set one day

because he just wanted to say hello,

and you treated us

like two pieces of garbage.

- You're beginning to see the light.

- I guess you could say that.

- How long have you lived down here?

- About 10 years.

Well, Palm Beach is a nice place to retire to

when your career goes in the toilet.

Oh, but maybe if you weren't such a jerk,

your career wouldn't be in the toilet.

Can we just please finish up the paperwork?

- You're the kid's legal guardian?

- No.

Then I can't let him go with you.

Maybe I could make a donation

to your benevolent association or...

Oh, yeah. You probably make a lot of money

on those rerun checks, huh?

- How much of a donation?

- I don't know, about 200 bucks?

How about $500?

Fine.

- Who do I make this out to?

- The Police Athletic League.

For the kids, since you like kids so much.

Right, kid?

Here you go.

You have a nice day.

Thank you, Officers.

Don't worry, I'll pay you back.

Well, as soon as I get to Miami.

Tom, you are not going to Miami.

Now, look. I know you've had it hard,

losing your parents,

and having to live with your grandfather.

I know that can take a huge toll on a kid.

But listen to me. You've got to stop this.

You've got to pull yourself together

because I'd hate to see you end up

in some sort of hospital.

But you keep hot-wiring heavy machinery,

that's where they're going to send you.

Or juvie hall.

Now, it's just a matter of time

before your Pop finds out what you did.

- Let's just go home and deal with it, okay?

- I'm not going anywhere but Miami.

Look, I just spent a lot of money on you.

You're going to do what I tell you.

You're not my dad!

No, I'm not your dad, but I care about you.

- Why?

- What do you mean, why?

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