A Night at the Opera Page #5

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What are you... Are you crazy?

You got it. Fine.

Now you go first and see if it's safe.

Come on. Hold on. Out you go.

You're all right,

but the boat's too far away.

What's he doing now?

I think he's hanging himself.

- Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to...

- Quiet.

Our guests have asked me to represent

them and to act as their interpreter.

If you'll follow me,

I'll take you to their cabin.

If they're still in it,

very few of us will come out alive.

Pardon me. Our guests

are having their shredded wheat.

They'll be right out.

Gentlemen.

- "Kind friends..."

- Give me that. Let's cut this short.

The whole thing is very simple.

You're going to City Hall.

The Mayor's gonna make another speech.

We can tear up the Mayor's speech

when we get there.

So, my friends,

as mayor of this great city...

I take pleasure in inviting

our distinguished visitors...

to tell us something

about their achievement.

What'll I say?

- Tell them you're not here.

- Suppose they don't believe me?

They'll believe you when you start talking.

Friends...

Talk fast.

I see a man in the crowd with a rope.

How we happen to come to America

is a great story, but I no tell that.

When we first started out...

we got no idea

you give us this grand reception.

We don't deserve it.

When I say we don't deserve it...

believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

That's a novelty.

Now I tell you how we fly to America.

The first time, we get halfway across

when we run out of gasoline.

We got to go back.

Then I take twice as much gasoline.

This time, we were just about to land,

maybe 3 feet...

when, what do you think,

we run out of gasoline again.

Back we go and get more gas.

This time, I take plenty gas.

We get halfway over,

when what do you think happened?

We forgot the airplane.

So we sit down and talk it over.

Then I get the great idea...

we no take gasoline.

We no take the airplane.

We take steamship.

And that, friends,

is how we fly across the ocean.

I'm going out to arrange your bail.

This is the mayor again.

And now I take great pleasure

in introducing another of our heroes...

who will tell you something

of his exploits.

Of course.

From now on, it's every man for himself.

I would suggest you make your speech

a little more direct than your brother's.

What will you give me

to set fire to your beard?

We're all right

as long as the water supply holds out.

Please, the radio. Your speech.

They may have to build

a dam in the back of him.

I think these fellas are phonies.

- What's that you say?

- You heard me.

You hear what they say?

They've never been so insulted,

and they refuse to stay.

No, please. Tell them he didn't mean it.

Of course, you know this means war.

Now see what you've done.

I'm sorry. I'm awful sorry.

I apologize,

and I hope you're not offended.

Go on! After him!

Come on, get him.

What are you singing about? Read this.

What will you do?

First, I'll throw those two gorillas out.

That goes for you, too.

Thought I got rid of those mugs

when I sold my trunk.

Kiddies, come on, everything is piping hot.

Breakfast.

- Good morning.

- Oh, boy, I'm hungry.

Read that.

That will take away your appetite.

No. That only makes me hungrier.

Come on. You're going to be late forjail.

Those certainly went like hot cakes.

You know, this isn't the way

I anticipated my breakfast.

I'm certainly getting enough of you fellas.

- I no like cupcakes.

- No.

I know when I've had enough...

Say, wait a minute.

That was a two-bit cigar.

Bad enough I have to smoke those things

without eating them.

Get out.

Glad I didn't bring my vest.

I forgot to tell you.

He ate your vest last night for dessert.

He's half goat.

Yes, and that's giving him

all the best of it.

Thought I had another cigar on me.

He's going to smell like a vegetable salad

when he gets through with that.

I've been looking forward to this breakfast.

I've been waiting all morning.

This is how it wound up.

- I'll take a quart.

- A little of that, anyway.

Why don't you fellows be nice?

Get out of here before I get arrested.

I'd like to stay and see that.

What's that?

If it's a policeman, knock once more.

- That's good enough for me.

- Scram, get out.

Come in.

- Yes?

- You remember me.

I'm Henderson, plainclothesman.

You look more like

an old clothes man to me.

- Nice place.

- It's comfortable.

You live here all alone?

Yes. Just me and my memories.

- I'm practically a hermit.

- A hermit.

I notice the table is set for four.

That's nothing.

My alarm clock is set for 8:00.

That doesn't prove a thing.

A wise guy.

I'll take a little look around.

- Hey, you.

- Coming.

What's a hermit doing with four beds?

- You see those first three beds?

- Yes.

Last night, I counted 5,000 sheep

on those beds.

So I had to have another bed.

You wouldn't want me

to sleep with the sheep, would you?

- Who are you talking to?

- I was talking to myself.

There's nothing you can do about it.

- I've had three of the best doctors.

- I certainly heard somebody talk.

- Sheer folly on your part.

- What's this?

That's a fire escape.

That's a table. This is a room.

There's the door leading out.

I wish you would use it.

- I want to be alone.

- You'll be alone when I throw you in jail.

Isn't there a song like that, Henderson?

Look out.

He's coming around the other way.

Get inside, quick.

It means a stretch at the big house

if he catches you.

Don't let him catch you.

- Hey, you!

- Coming.

What became of that fourth bed?

What are you referring to, Colonel?

Last time I was in this room,

there were four beds here.

Please. I'm not interested

in your private life, Henderson.

Say, what's that bed doing here?

I don't see it doing anything.

There's something funny going on here.

But I'll get to the bottom of it.

Stairs right there.

Look out!

- Be on your guard.

- Hey, you!

Coming.

Am I crazy,

or are there only two beds here?

Which question

do you want me to answer first?

How did those two beds get together?

You know how those things are.

They breed like rabbits.

Let me tell you something.

I'll solve this

if I have to stay here all night.

- If you stay, you'll have to bring a bed.

- One bed!

One bed? What are you talking about?

Now they're all gone. I know I am crazy.

I beg your pardon,

I must be in the wrong room.

You thought you could come to America

without me?

You fool. You dear fool.

Because I love you, you call me a fool.

There may be something in that.

- What are you doing here?

- Easiest thing in the world.

An open window,

a detective, and here I am.

Riccardo, you shouldn't have.

They'll only send you back again.

- Perhaps even put you in jail.

- I don't care, darling. It's worth it.

Suppose I go to Mr. Gottlieb.

Maybe he'd intercede for you.

Gottlieb couldn't do anything.

Besides, Lassparri's got to him first.

But there must be something we can do.

- Who is it?

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