A Night at the Roxbury Page #16

EMILY:

Perfect, your dad bought us two

tickets to David Copperfield, this

Saturday.

STEVE:

I'll let you know how I'm feeling.

EMILY:

It'll be fun to see things appear,

and then disappear.

Emily grabs his face and shoves her tongue down his

throat for a beat and pulls back.

EMILY:

See ya.

CRAIG:

(watching Emily leave)

Tight glutes.

(sincere)

Steve, as a trainer. I'm pretty

perceptive about picking up body

language... I think she likes you.

CUT TO:

EXT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - NIGHT (ONE WEEK LATER)

The cottage is dark.

SUBTITLE:
ONE WEEK LATER

Doug is unshaven, unkempt. Disinterestedly flipping

channels. He throws the remote away.

DOUG:

... Fine! I won't watch Larry

Sanders!

Gets up and exits. We hear the VAN PEEL OUT.

Seperation MONTAGE BEGINS:

CUT TO:

MONTAGE:

A) INT. DAVID COPPERFIELD SHOW - NIGHT

David Copperfield is on stage doing a pseudo-sexy

trick. In the audience, Steve tries to subtly work

his arm behind Emily. She notices, grabs his hand,

and plants it on her breast.

CUT TO:

B) INT. DISCO - NIGHT

Doug is drunk, trying to dance with a girl. She

pushes him away into another girl who shoves him into

a biker guy -- who tries to dance with him.

CUT TO:

C) EXT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE -NIGHT

The dogs are dragging a dead deer across the

driveway. Suddenly, the Silk van pulls in too fast,

runs over some plants and smashes over a chaise

lounge chair. The van stops and Doug, literally,

falls out of the van and onto the ground. He lies

there.

CUT TO:

D) INT. SILK STORE DAY

Mr. Butabi is helping Steve put on store manager

jacket. Mr. Anderson, Emily, congratulate him.

CUT TO:

E) INT. GUEST COTTAGE - DAY

A very dissapointed Doug is sucking on a Redi Whip can.

He looks out the window.

F) DOUG'S POV

The pool:
He can see Emily and Steve going at it on

air mattress.

G) BACK TO SCENE

Doug sprays the window with whipped cream to block

the view.

END OF MONTAGE:

CUT TO:

INT. DOUG AND STEVE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Steve and Emily are in bed -- pre-sex. Steve is in a

pajama top. Emily is in a black nightie and flipping

through a USC School of Business course guide. Steve

kisses her neck, Emily keeps reading. Steve reaches over

and puts his hand on her breast. Emily keeps reading.

He pulls his hand back.

EMILY:

Here's one -- 'Business Computer

Systems.'

STEVE:

(disinterested)

I'm not real good with machines.

That was Doug's thing. I'm more

of a people person.

EMILY:

Steve, a businessman has to have a

knowledge of computers. Ooo! --

'Venture Management and Analysis.'

you have to take that.

STEVE:

You know, my dad's giving me the

store anyway. I don't really have

to go back to school.

EMILY:

One store? Yah... and maybe

we'll just have like one house and

one car. Steve, we're gonna have

more than one store. And you have

to be prepared.

STEVE:

I don't really want to go back to

school. I'll have to read.

STEVE (CONT'D)

And homework and teachers always

asking you if you'd like to share

that with the rest of the class.

EMILY:

Don't upset me. Unless you want

to make me less horny.

STEVE:

No, that wouldn't be good.

EMILY:

(kissing him)

Look, first, we combine the

stores, plants and lamps, then we

can add furniture, you know

recliners...

Emily climbs on top of him, and rubs herself against him.

EMILY:

... sofas and tables and...

and...

She moans.

STEVE:

... chairs?

EMILY:

Oh, yes! Chairs and wastepaper

baskets and... and...

STEVE:

Ah!... Ottomans!

Emily rips Steve's pajama top off, as she rides him.

EMILY:

(progressively

getting closer

to orgasm)

And then we'll open a second store

in Orange County with dinette sets

and entertainment centers, and a

third in San Francisco and then

we'll be bigger than Ikea, oh my

God... Home Depot! I, I, Ikeaaa!

Emily orgasms and slides off Steve.

STEVE:

Emily, I'm sort of feeling, you

know, like we're moving too fast.

You're talking like we're married.

EMILY:

(taking it as a

proposal)

Oh my God! Steve! You've made me

so happy!

She hugs him.

STEVE:

(upset)

What? No, no. I meant...

Emily quickly ducks OUT OF FRAME to perform oral sex on

STEVE -- who quickly stops being upset.

STEVE:

(relaxes)

... Oookay.

CUT TO:

INT. PALACE DANCE CLUB -NIGHT

Doug and Craig sit at a table with drinks. Craig, in

suit and "Pump It" gym headband, bops in place. Doug

doesn't.

CRAIG:

Doug, If I'm not mistaken, this

place has got it going on. I owe

you big time for inviting me.

Craig hands Doug a health bar.

DOUG'S POV

The candy bar wrapper reads "Big Time -- Protein

Supplement for serious Bodybuilders."

BACK TO SCENE:

CRAIG:

Wooooo! Who wants to dance all

night long! And I mean aaall

night! Wooo!

(sits)

Doug, I am having a hell of a

time!

DOUG:

Whatever, Craig.

CRAIG:

Hey, do you think I should wear this

outfit to your brother's wedding?

DOUG:

What?

CRAIG:

Your brother's wedding? What are you

gonna wear?

DOUG:

(dropping head to

table)

Oh, God.

CRAIG:

You got to hand it to Steve. That

Emily's the perfect woman. Strong

legs, low body fat, and a positive

mental attitude. A lady like that

can really keep you on track. Is it

okay to wear black at an afternoon

affair?

DOUG:

Shut up, you idiot.

CRAIG:

Doug, I know you and your brother

are having some problems, but that

is no reason to refer to my

intellectual capacity in a

diminutive manner.

DOUG:

I'm sorry, Craig, but you totally

Wolf Blitzerd me with the

matrimony update. Do you mind if

we just don't talk about my

brother?

CRAIG:

Ten-Four. Boundary set.

DOUG:

(perking himself

back up)

Look, did we come here for some

Starbucks' latte chitchat or did

we come here to hit on hotties?

CRAIG:

Hotties.

DOUG:

Let's do it.

They move out.

BAR:

The guys walk over to the back of a blonde woman.

DOUG:

Hey, sweetness, what's up?

The woman turns around -- it's ELLEN DEGENERES.

DOUG:

Hey, fine thing, you got it going

on.

ELLEN DEGENERES:

Thank you. I was worried.

DOUG:

So, you want to shake it?

ELLEN DEGENERES:

No, I think I'll just let it sit.

DOUG:

You sure?

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