A Night at the Roxbury Page #17

ELLEN DEGENERES:

Now that I've met you, I'm more

sure than I've ever been.

Ellen walks away.

CRAIG:

That was a...

(makes alien hand

signal and sounds)

... close encounter.

DOUG:

She'll be back. Just playing hard

to get.

CRAIG:

I am having a hell of a time!

Wooo!

CUT TO:

INT. BUTABI DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Filled with the entire Butabi and Anderson family,

including old folks. This is the pre-wedding rehearsal

dinner.

MRS. BUTABI

And the hors d'oeuvers are hummus

dip and babaganoush...

MABEL:

Who's going to eat that? You

should have pigs in the blanket

and chicken fingers.

Steve is sticking a spoon on his nose. Mr. Butabi takes

it and taps his glass, standing up.

MR. BUTABI

Okay. A toast to Steve and Emily,

who after tommorow will be Mr. and

Mrs. Steve Butabi.

EMILY:

Emily Anderson-Butabi.

MR. BUTABI

Really. Okay. Well... to whoever

they turn out to be.

FRED:

(standing up)

I would also like to thank

everyone for flying in to join us.

My brother and his wife from

Chicago. My parents who came in

all the way from Maine despite

Mom's sciatica. And the Butabis

who came all the way in from Yee-

men.

MR. BUTABI

(correcting him)

Yemen.

FRED:

Wherever the hell that is. I'm

just kidding. And that's not the

only union I'm excited about.

From what I understand, we got a

new lamp/plant store.

MR. BUTABI

That's plant/lamp store. Ha

ha... that's a joke. But,

seriously, I think it sounds

better.

EMILY:

Steve, don't you want to make a

toast?

STEVE:

No, that's alright.

EMILY:

(pushing him up)

All the men are doing it?

STEVE:

(standing)

So, okay, uh... I just want to

say... what's up... Grandpa,

Grandma, and those other two old

people.

Steve sits. Emily quickly stands.

EMILY:

I think what Steve means, is that,

we're just thrilled with the way

this family is coming together.

And I'd like to share with you

some of our business plans for

after the merger.

(to Grandma)

Can you pass these out?

Emily hands out business plan folders.

MR. BUTABI

I will get more wine.

Mr. Butabi is looking through a wine rack. Steve enters.

STEVE:

Hey, Dad, do you think maybe we

could cancel this whole thing?

MR. BUTABI

Yes, sure...

(turns to Doug)

... Nooo!

STEVE:

Dad, that's so funny. But I

really don't want to get married.

MR. BUTABI

You are serious? All these people

are here and you are serious?

STEVE:

Dad, it's like, Emily had turned

into this whole different person.

I mean, at first, she was this

girl that I really liked to have

sex with. Then she turned into

this other girl who I really don't

want to marry -- although I don't

mind having sex with her.

MR. BUTABI

Look, the catering is paid for.

The tents are all set up. Your

grandparents flew half way around

the world. Besides, all men go

through the same thing the night

before their wedding.

STEVE:

You mean, all guys feel sort of

nervous and anxious, and kind of

hope a train hits her and she eats

a can of botulism or maybe she

could hang out with a deer, and a

hunter accidently shoots her or

you know, when she's sleeping and

she makes that nose whistle sound

and you shake her to make it quiet

but what you'd really like to do

is take her stupid red toothbrush

and ram it up her nostril into her

skull.

Mr. Butabi stares at him for a beat.

MR. BUTABI

Steve, these feelings are

perfectly normal.

CUT TO:

INT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - MIDDLE OF NIGHT

Doug looking out the window.

DOUG'S POV

Wedding chairs. Tents. Flowers. Suddenly, we hear a

KNOCK at the door.

BACK TO SCENE:

Doug ducks away.

CUT TO:

EXT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - MIDDLE OF NIGHT

Steve, in his pajamas, knocks at the door.

STEVE:

Doug? Doug? You there?

Steve pulls put his cell phone, dials.

CUT TO:

INT. GUEST COTTAGE -NIGHT

Doug's CELL RINGS, he picks up and makes believe he's a

machine.

DOUG:

You've reached Doug Butabi. I'm

not home right now -- because

I'm...

CUT TO:

EXT. COTTAGE

Steve listening.

DOUG (V.O.)

... out living it up, unlike my

pussywhipped brother who's busy

throwing his life away and will

spend the rest of his years

selling silk plants for

Emillyyy...

(making beeping sound)

... Beeeep.

STEVE:

(assuming it's real)

Doug, sorry I missed you. I guess

you heard I'm gettng married

tommorow. I was just wondering if

you wanted to be my best man. See

ya.

Steve exits. Doug peels through the window at him.

CUT TO:

EXT BUTABI BACK YARD - DAY

Beautiful wedding layout.

Guests mill about. Craig is lifting an ice sculpture off

it's base. Steve is next to him.

STEVE:

Craig, I know you can lift it.

Now can you just listen to me?

CRAIG:

(putting down

sculpture)

I got it. I walk down the aisle.

I stand next to you. And I settle

any inter-wedding party

skirmishes.

STEVE:

No, you're the best man. Not the

wedding bouncer. You just gotta

back me up.

CRAIG:

Oh, you mean like spotting you?

STEVE:

Exactly.

CRAIG:

Now, I get it. If things get too

heavy, I step in. Like a

relationship spotter.

(overwhelmed)

Thank you, man. I won't let you

down.

FATHER WILLIAMS, a grey-haired priest, Phil Donahue-type,

walks over.

FATHER WILLIAMS:

Okay, boys, we're about ready to

start. You look very nice,

Steven.

STEVE:

Thank you, Father. I love what

you're wearing also.

He's in regular black priest garb. He exits, confused.

BACK OF WEDDING AISLE

Steve walks up to Mr. Butabi, who is waiting with the

procession. WEDDING MARCH BEGINS.

STEVE:

You know, Dad, I've been thinking.

I didn't really have time to have

a bachelor party and that's a

pretty important part of the

marriage experience. So, we may

want to consider delaying the

wedding a couple of hours so we

can go to a strip club or

something.

MR. BUTABI

Sh! We're starting.

WEDDING AISLE:

Richard Grieco, in tux, walks down the aisle with a

frumpy BRIDESMAID.

BRIDESMAID:

Richard Grieco? How do you know

Steve?

RICHARD GRIECO:

Look, I just don't want to be

sued.

Craig, the best man, begins walking down with the maid of

honor.

CRAIG:

(to maid of honor)

Alright... it's a long walk...

pace yourself.

Craig takes pulse, looks at his watch. Grandma and

Grandma Butabi walk down the aisle. As they approach

Craig...

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