A Night at the Roxbury Page #18

CRAIG:

(excited)

Grandma, you look unbelievable!

Woo!

MR. BUTABI AND STEVE AND BARBARA

Walk down the aisle. Steve is wearing a CD walkman --

Mr. Butabi notices and yanks it off. They pass a pretty

girl. Steve veers off course.

STEVE:

(to girl)

What's up? You from out of town?

Mr. Butabi pulls Steve back on course.

STEVE:

(turns back to girl)

See you at the reception.

EMILY:

and her parents walk down the aisle...

CRAIG:

Steve! Getting married! Go for

it! You are the man!

EMILY:

(yelling up to Craig)

Shut up, Craig! I'm walking down

the aisle, you dick!

Emily goes back to walking gracefully. MARCH ENDS.

FATHER WILLIAMS:

Dearly beloved, we are gathered

here today, to join together...

STEVE:

Father? Did we already start?

FATHER WILLIAMS:

Yes.

STEVE:

Oh. Sorry I thought there was

going to be a buzzer or whistle or

something.

FATHER WILLIAMS:

... To join together this man and

this woman in holy matrimony. If

any man can show any just cause

why these two should not be

lawfully joined together, speak

now or forever hold his peace.

Nobody speaks. Beat.

CRAIG (O.S.)

I am having a hell of a time!

FATHER WILLIAMS:

Very good. Now I understand the

bride and groom have each prepared

something.

EMILY:

(trying to rhyme)

Dear Steve, today I wear this

wedding gown, and on my face there

is no frown. I know our lives

together will be great, just like

when we saw David Copperfield on

our first date. If you set

something free and it comes back,

you should love it forever, and

like one of your silk plants, I'll

try to stay beautiful, that is my

endeavor. Love, forever, Emily.

Steve steps forward, takes out a piece of paper, reads.

STEVE:

Emily, I used to see you outside

my father's store. And then we

went out on some dates and you let

me have sex with you.

Steve steps back. Priest looks to see if Steve's done.

STEVE:

I'm done.

FATHER:

Very nice. Steven, do you promise

to love Emily, comfort her, honor

her, in sickness and in health, as

long as you both shall live?

STEVE:

My father already paid the caterer.

FATHER WILLIAMS:

Emily, do you promise to comfort

Steve, and honor him in sickness

and health, as long as you both

shall live?

EMILY:

I do.

Mr. Butabi hands Steve the ring.

FATHER WILLIAMS:

Now, Steven, repeat after me...

STEVE:

'After me'... just kidding. I'm

nervous.

FATHER WILLIAMS:

Now repeat after me, with this

ring I thee wed...

STEVE:

With this ring, I thee wed.

Steve puts the ring on her finger.

FATHER WILLIAMS:

Now, Emily, repeat after me. With

this ring, I thee wed.

EMILY:

With This ring --

Suddenly, the ceremony is interrupted by the sound of the

GARAGE DOOR OPENING -- revealing...

DOUG:

holding a huge boom box over his head, confidently

standing in place. Emily rolls her eyes. Mr. Butabi's

angry.

STEVE:

(in shock)

Doug.

Doug hits the play button. "WHAT IS LOVE?" by Haddaway

BLASTS.

MR. BUTABI

(to organ player)

Let's just keep it going.

FATHER WILLIAMS:

Mr. Butabi, I can't --

MR. BUTABI

Just ignore him.

FATHER WILLIAMS:

(yelling)

Say 'With this ring I thee...'

EMILY:

With this ring --

Doug TURNS UP the VOLUME, drowning out Emily.

Steve starts bopping his head. Doug bops his head back.

STEVE:

Sorry, Dad.

(turns back)

Emily, I'm sorry. I'm not ready

yet. I liked your poem.

Steve starts walking towards Doug. Mr. Butabi, furious

follows him and reaches to stop him. Suddenly, a hand

pulls him on his back. We REVEAL it is...

CRAIG:

CRAIG:

I'm sorry, Mr. Butabi, but as best

man, my primary duty is to allow

the groom to beat a hasty retreat

should the occasion take a sudden

ugly turn.

Butabi tries to get around. Craig jumps in the way.

CRAIG:

Don't test me.

Steve runs up to Doug.

STEVE:

Hey.

DOUG:

Hello.

They run out of the back yard.

RICHARD GRIECO:

Puts his arm around Mr. Butabi.

RICHARD GRIECO:

Mr. Butabi, as an actor, I'm a

keen observer of human nature.

And, I can tell that neither of

your sons are anywhere near the

maturity level necessary for this

sort of commitment.

ALTAR:

Emily is furious. Craig steps in the groom's spot.

CRAIG:

Go ahead, Father.

EMILY:

What are you doing?

CRAIG:

Emily, with all due respect to

Steve, his discipline is lacking

as is his appreciation for you.

I, on the other hand, can bench

press 305 lbs. I squat a clean

525, and my body fat percentage is

less than two percent. Not only

am I a professional trainer, but I

someday hope to market my own

protein bars and produce an Iron

Buns video.

Emily considers this a moment, then puts her arm through

his.

EMILY:

... Okay... We should look into

infomercials.

CUT TO:

INT. HOLLYWOOD RESERVOIR - DAY

Steve and Doug are on the bridge tossing rocks.

DOUG:

... and I also took Craig out

clubbing.

STEVE:

Mm-hm.

DOUG:

That was alright. Plus, I rented

a lot of videos and I didn't do

much else.

STEVE:

Uh-huh.

DOUG:

Look, I, uh, I don't know... I

just... Steve?

Steve is still looking at the water.

DOUG:

Look, I'm sorry. I said a lot of

bad things before and... lately...

I don't know.

DOUG (CONT'D)

I've been thinking, you know...

You're my brother... we're

brothers and when we're together,

you know... You just...

Jerry MacGuire theme "SECRET GARDEN" by Springsteen begins.

DOUG:

(emotional)

You don't drag me down, Steve... I

drag me down, me! And you... you

complete me!

Steve walks up to Doug.

STEVE:

Shut up. Just shut up! You had

me at hello.

They hug and hold one another as the MUSIC SWELLS...

CUT TO:

EXT. BUTABI BACK YARD - LATER

The guests are gone. In the empty tent, Richard Grieco

sits alone drinking wine with Mr. Butabi.

RICHARD GRIECO:

And it seems to me that you're a

little bit harder on Doug than you

are on Steve. Isn't that true?

MR. BUTABI

You are right. It's just that

Doug is so rebellious, so hard to

control.

RICHARD GRIECO:

Rebellious? Scrappy? Dreamer,

maybe? What other young man does

that remind you of?

Mr. Butabi has an epiphany.

MR. BUTABI

... Myself.

Richard nods, knowingly.

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