A Night at the Roxbury Page #4

Doug makes a "you got me" motion. He slides the card

through.

DOUG:

I think something's wrong with

your card. You sure this is

yours? 'Cause it's not

processing.

MAN:

It's my card.

DOUG:

I better call it in.

Doug calls.

DOUG:

Operator 238 please.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. CREDIT SWITCHBOARD -- CONTINIOUS ACTION

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR, with headset, in front of computer,

answers phone.

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR

Authorization. Card number?

DOUG:

What's up?

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR

Doug, I told you not to call anymore.

DOUG:

I got to get an approval.

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR

The card's fine.

DOUG:

Not the card, sweetness. Me.

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR

Shut up and swipe it.

DOUG:

I can go for that.

Doug swipes it through.

DOUG:

... that feel good? 'Cause I

could swipe it all night.

Doug keeps swiping it. The couple looks at each other.

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR

It's fine. Good-bye.

She hangs up. Doug happily hangs up.

DOUG:

(notices couple

still waiting)

... Oh, can I help you with

something?

ROW OF SILK FERNS

A middle-aged lady CUSTOMER is perusing. Steve walks up.

STEVE:

Excuse me, may I show you around

the Silk Garden. Home of a

wondrous variety of flora and

fauna -- all made of silk.

CUSTOMER #1

Are these supposed to be ferns?

STEVE:

That's what people will say. But

guess what?

CUSTOMER #1

What?

STEVE:

(whispers in ear)

... it's not real. It's silk.

(acting in shock)

Oh, be careful!

CUSTOMER #1

What's wrong?

STEVE:

You've accidentally wandered into

the Enchanted Forest. Allow me to

be your guide.

Steve ducks behind the four or five silk trees that make

up the "forest" and sticks his head out from between two

trees -- now wearing a safari hat. He picks up a watering pot, tips it on a plant -- nothing comes out.

STEVE:

You know what I just did?

CUSTOMER #3

What?

STEVE:

I just watered your plant for a

whole year.

CUE TO:

LITTLE DIORAMA OF NIGHT

It's a show box on the register counter, cut up silk

flowers inside. Doug is making two figures dance.

DOUG:

(male voice)

What's up? You want to dance?

(female voice)

With you. Oh, God, yes.

Doug slams the figures together, singing a dance song.

Mr. Butabi enters.

MR. BUTABI

What are you doing?

Doug pulls the diorama away.

DOUG:

Not much.

MR. BUTABI

You don't spend enough time in

dance clubs? You have to cut up

my plants, and make toys of them?

DOUG:

This club had a jungle theme.

MR. BUTABI

(calling off)

Carlos! Come work the cash

register.

(to Doug)

You get your brother and load

the truck.

CARLOS, middle-aged assistant manager, steps behind

counter. Doug grabs the diorama and exits.

CUT TO:

EXT. STOREFRONT - LATER

Next door to "BUTABI'S SILK GARDEN" is "BRIGHT IDEA" lamp

store. Steve gingerly loads a tree into the store van.

Doug tosses his in.

EMILY (O.S.)

Steve! Steve!

Steve starts to turn. Doug tries to stop him.

DOUG:

Don't look!

EMILY ANDERSON, a plain over-eager girl, early 20s,

bounces out of the lamp store, holding a CHANDELIER in

one hand that TINKLES every time she moves.

EMILY:

Hi, Steve. Hey, Doug.

STEVE:

Hey, Emily.

DOUG:

(turning away)

Whatever.

STEVE:

So, I guess you're back from

school and working in the lamp

store again.

EMILY:

Yeah, I missed you.

DOUG:

Pardon me. I got to talk to my

brother a second.

Doug pulls Steve aside.

DOUG:

What, do you like her or something?

STEVE:

No.

DOUG:

Then why are you talking to her?

STEVE:

She's talking to me.

DOUG:

Steve, look at me. It is your

destiny to be with a variety of lady

girls. Not just one lamp store

troll. And quite frankly, your level

of looks is way above her level of

looks. So for her own good, just

walk away.

STEVE:

You are so smart.

DOUG:

That's why I'm here.

EMILY:

So, Steve, you gonna ask me out

'cause I think we could have a really

good time...

STEVE:

Yeah, that sounds good.

Doug annoyed, steps between them.

DOUG:

Back off, chicklet!

EMILY:

What's your problem. Doug?

DOUG:

Emily, I don't know if you know

this, but my brother and I? We

live life in the fast lane. That

means no stop signs, no red

lights, and no pulling over to

take pictures. Now you see this

man over here?

Doug motions to Steve.

STEVE:

What's up?

DOUG:

He's my co-pilot on this magic

carpet ride. It's a two-man

operation. One -- two --

(points at Emily)

-- crowd.

EMILY:

Shut up, Doug.

DOUG:

Sh! I just don't want you to get

hurt.

Their father walks over.

MR. BUTABI

Emily!

EMILY:

Hi, Mr. Butabi.

Their father puts his arm around Steve.

MR. BUTABI

You know my son, Steve, here,

likes you.

STEVE:

Dad, come on!

Doug, frustrated, walks away. FRED ANDERSON, Emily's

overweight father, walks over, also holding a CHANDELIER

and TINKLING, puts his arm around Emily.

FRED:

(gregarious)

Mr. Butabi, is Steve asking Emily

to marry him again? Ha, ha.

MR. BUTABI

Ha, ha, with the way they carry on, I

think they're already planning their

honeymoon, Mr. Anderson.

FRED:

Ha. Ha. Did I tell you? I've

already booked a wedding band.

MR. BUTABI

Ha. Ha. Yes, and if they have

enough grandchildren we won't have to

hire salesmen anymore. Ha, ha, ha...

Doug stands behind them and mocks laughing along with

them.

FRED:

Kamehl, you kill me.

MR. BUTABI

No, you kill me. You murder me.

FRED:

(as he walks away)

... salesmen. That's great.

Emily waves good-bye to Steve.

DOUG:

Dad, can you just leave Steve alone?

MR. BUTABI

What? Your brother likes the girl.

DOUG:

No, he doesn't.

STEVE:

No, I don't.

DOUG:

Dad, nothing personal, but Emily's

like a pigwoman from a planet of pig

people. And she's trying to take

Steve on her porky little spaceship

so she can take him back to the

Planet Pig!

STEVE:

Hey, Doug, you know what they eat on

the Pig Planet? Bacon and sausage.

DOUG:

(laughing)

Nice call.

They high five.

STEVE:

Every once in a while I'll hit pay

dirt.

MR. BUTABI

This is all too bad, because that

girl is going to be his wife.

DOUG:

No, she's not.

STEVE:

(to Doug)

You know, they could also eat ham.

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