A Night at the Roxbury Page #5

MR. BUTABI

Enough of pig talk. Doug, do you

see this wall? When they marry,

we can knock it down. Then

combine stores and have the first

plant/lamp store. And Steve and

Emily can run it and it's up to

them if they want to keep you

around.

DOUG:

Are you seeing planes? Is your

name Tatu? Because I think you're

living on Fantasy Island.

STEVE:

God, that was a sweet show.

MR. BUTABI

Yes, I have a fantasy. That I

have two capable sons who listen

to me. Look how you load the

truck. You've done enough damage

for one day. Get out of here.

I'm sick of both of you!

Their father slams the van closed and exits into the

store.

STEVE:

So, we're on a break?

DOUG:

I guess.

STEVE:

You want to Crunch it?

DOUG:

Sure, I'll Crunch.

CUT TO:

INT. CRUNCH GYM - STEVE AND DOUG'S POV - DAY

of the cardiovascular room. Long line of stairmasters,

treadmills, etc. We PASS people working out.

DOUG (O.S.)

What's up, Stacey?

STACEY rolls her eyes at them and turns away.

STEVE (O.S.)

Patty, work it.

PATTY:

Shut up.

DOUG (O.S.)

Ritchie, you're the man.

RITCHIE:

F*** off.

The guys stop to look at a WOMAN on the inner thigh

machine. She opens and closes her legs, notices them.

WOMAN:

What?

They look back up and walk away.

STEVE (O.S.)

Tom-meee!

Steve raises his hand to high five a bodybuilder, who

ignores them.

STEVE (O.S.)

Catch you later.

INT. WEIGHT ROOM - DAY

A huge muscle guy is looking in the mirror as he pumps a

barbell. Doug and Steve step over. This is the first

time we see them, in their gym attire -- tight Spandex

pants, mesh tank tops and giant weight belts.

DOUG:

Excuse me, can the rest of us use

the mirror?

The muscle guy moves over. Doug picks up a small dumbbell. Steve spots.

DOUG:

(pumps it)

How's my form?

STEVE:

Looking good. Relax the

shoulders... breathe through it...

lift don't swing... feel the

burn... stitch in time... and let

me hear this one...

DOUG:

(screaming)

Aaaaaaaaah!

Steve joins in.

DOUG/STEVE

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Doug finishes, drops dumbbell.

DOUG:

Sweet pump. Got some veinage

going.

Two girls walk over.

DOUG:

(whispers to Steve)

Ask me what time it is.

STEVE:

But I know what time it is.

DOUG:

Hotties.

STEVE:

Oh...

(loudly)

Excuse me, do you know what time

it is?

DOUG:

Sure, Let me check my watch.

Doug elaborately twists his arm to look at his watch --

flexing his triceps and displaying them to their full

advantage.

DOUG:

I... think it's... quarter three.

Doug stays unnaturally in that position till the girls

leave. He relaxes.

DOUG:

Ladies love triceps.

CRAIG, an overenthusiastic trainer, steps up to them.

CRAIG:

Doug! Steve! What's up?

DOUG/STEVE

Craig!

CRAIG:

Looking large, gentlemen. You

guys want the rest of my power

bar?

-- holding it up.

DOUG:

(holding it up)

No, we got a Nitro bar.

CRAIG:

(holding it up)

How 'bout an Energy Booster Bar?

STEVE:

(holding it up)

No, we got a Muscle Triplicator

Bar.

CRAIG:

Okay, but let me know if you need

some carbs. I got a case of

'carbolicious' in the back. But

supplements aside, can I get some

quality time with you fellas?

DOUG:

We're in between sets. Lay it on.

CRAIG:

How long we been friends?

STEVE:

All seven years of high school.

CRAIG:

That's right. That's why I got to be

real with you now. And I'm not gonna

sugar coat it. As a professional

trainer, I'm a little worried about

your pecs. You guys don't go all the

way down. It's called full

extension. And I'm not seeing it.

DOUG:

Craig, you're right. We actually had

a long talk about that the other

night.

CRAIG:

I just don't want you to cheat

yourselves. I'm sorry I had to come

down on you like this, but in a weird

way, that's my job.

DOUG:

Hey, that's why we love you and we

hate you.

CRAIG:

Still friends?

STEVE/DOUG

You know it.

CRAIG:

I'm glad we had this talk.

STEVE:

Hey, we don't talk, we do.

They all nod.

INT. AEROBICS CLASS - LATER

A very fit AEROBICS TEACHER stands on a mini-stage.

AEROBICS TEACHER

Okay, everybody, I'm Shelley. Are

you ready to Cardio-Funk?

CROWD (O.S.)

Yeah!

DOUG:

No!... Yes!

STEVE:

Oh, man, you are hilarious.

They high-five. MUSIC STARTS. "MOVE YOUR BODY" by

Amber.

AEROBICS TEACHER

Okay! Here comes the countdown!

Three... two... one!

PAN a line of aerobicizers. Everyone is in synch --

except Doug and Steve, who work out chaotically.

AEROBICS TEACHER

... and kick!

Everyone kicks. But, they continue their hyper dance.

AEROBICS TEACHER

... and reach.

Everyone reaches. They continue being out of synch.

Suddenly, they stop, put fingers on their necks and stare

up at a clock. Simultaneously, they go right back into

their manical dance.

MUSIC ENDS. Everyone but Doug and Steve stop. People

stare at them. They continue in silence, then slowly

wind down as they notice people staring.

DOUG:

Alright! Yeah!

STEVE:

Cardio-funk!

DOUG:

Thank you, Shelley!

Shelley stares at them. After a few uncomfortable beats.

DOUG/STEVE

... what's up?

CUT TO:

EXT. CRUNCH GYM - AFTERNOON

Doug and Steve simultaneously put on their sunglasses.

STEVE:

Should we go back to work?

DOUG:

Probably.

STEVE:

What do you want to do?

DOUG:

We shaked it, let's bake it.

They walk off.

CUT TO:

EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON

Guys drive along highway in BMW. Ocean on one side.

Steve stares off at the ocean.

STEVE:

Water.

DOUG:

Where?

STEVE:

There.

Doug turns.

DOUG:

Right.

EXT. BEACH - AFTERNOON

We see Steve and Doug, waist up. They have lotion caked

up unevenly on themselves.

STEVE:

You know, I told Dad we should put

some ferns and some silk banana

trees in front of the store.

'Cause then passersby and the like

could see 'em and we could attract

more customers.

DOUG:

(unsure what he just

heard)

Moonwalk that by me again?

STEVE:

I just said I was talking to Dad

about the store and...

DOUG:

The store? You're sitting around

thinking about the store?

STEVE:

Yeah.

DOUG:

Why?

STEVE:

That's where we work.

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