A Night in Casablanca Page #4

You gotta have somebody test the food.

- You need a guinea pig.

- You eat the guinea pig. I'll stick to this.

I don't mean a real one.

I mean a human guinea pig.

I don't want to eat any kind of guinea pig.

I want my meal.

There's a human guinea pig.

He looks like a pig,

but he doesn't look human.

That food doesn't seem to be poisoned.

You can't tell.

It hasn't reached his stomach yet.

That's the seal of Good Housekeeping.

What is this, a stake race?

Now, see here, you guys.

Give me back my lunch.

- You make mistake.

- That's my steak, and I want it.

- Come on, give me that.

- You wanna give him a little something?

No, thanks. They give me heartburn.

I just want to take a little shot, that's all.

- You cheap crook. That bottle's empty.

- That's dry champagne.

- No, you don't. You wanna get poisoned?

- I'm not sure I'd mind anymore.

- Who's he talking to?

- Salt Lake City.

You couldn't spare just a little sip of that?

If the coffee doesn't keep him awake,

the cup and saucer will.

Wouldrt it be great if they ate each other?

But, monsieur... But...

You sound like a motorboat. Give me that.

Hello? What's that, sir?

You've been in your room three and a half

hours and your trunks haven't arrived?

Put your pants on.

Nobody will know the difference.

Out of the way, please.

Clerk.

Mr. Kornblow to you.

- Have you a suite for me and my wife?

- Your wife?

- Yes. We'd like something very elegant.

- Have you got any baggage?

Of course.

It's on its way over from the airfield.

In all my years in the hotel business,

that's the phoniest story I've heard.

I suppose your name is Smith.

No, it's Smythe, spelled with a "y."

That's the English version.

Mr. And Mrs. Smythe and no baggage.

- Let me see your marriage license.

- What?

How dare you, sir!

How do like that? Puts a "y" in Smith...

and expects me to let him

in the hotel with a strange dame.

- Strange dame?

- She is to me. I've never seen her before.

Sir, you may not be aware of it...

but I am president

of the Morocco Laundry Company.

You are?

Take this shirt and have it back Friday.

Mr. Smythe or Smith...

this is a family hotel, and I suggest

you take your business elsewhere.

This lady is my wife.

You should be ashamed.

If this lady is your wife,

you should be ashamed.

- You'll hear from me.

- Do that, even if it's only a post card.

My attorneys will be here in the morning.

They won't get a room either,

unless they got a marriage license.

Clerk.

Hello, reception desk.

Monsieur Kornblow?

This is Beatrice Reiner speaking.

Miss Reiner.

Are you very busy this afternoon?

After that disappearing act

you did that night...

we have nothing in common.

Perhaps I shouldn't say nothing,

but we have very little in common.

Anyway, I'm not talking to you.

Please. Wort you come up?

All right, I'll come up,

but don't expect me to do any talking.

Sixth floor. And make it snappy.

The sixth floor. It's up this way.

You don't have to lift it.

Just pull the lever. It'll go up by itself.

Is it stuck?

Between the fifth and sixth floor.

This could only happen to me.

Why doesn't she live in the basement?

You climb up to the roof of the car...

pull yourself out of the sixth floor,

and get help.

If you can't get help,

get me some insurance. Come on, now.

Where you been?

You went through that hole five hours ago,

and so did my love life.

I don't want to go up.

I want to get down in a hurry.

Do you know how to get me down?

Oh, the axe. You know how to fix it?

The Count left town.

We used to go to my rooms after I sang...

and split a bottle of champagne.

I could pinch-hit for the Count.

At least I could pinch for him.

Boss, I heard that.

- Come here.

- This never happened to Casanova.

Come here. Look, am I your bodyguard?

We have an agreement.

I can't wait until it expires.

Expire.

I don't want you should expire first.

You're playing around with dynamite.

I know what I'm doing.

And I think she does, too.

But, boss, I'm supposed to keep you alive.

If I go, that's the way I want to go.

Shall we say in half an hour?

In half an hour.

And this time, I'll walk up.

Max, where are you?

I'm in a steam room at the Turkish bath.

But that man, Kornblow,

will be here any minute.

Suppose you get here in 15 minutes.

Can you make it?

I'll be there in time.

Kornblow's got to be finished tonight.

Come in.

That's so sweet of you.

Thank you so much.

They're lovely. Just beautiful.

These roses, I shall keep them forever.

That's what you think.

I only rented them for an hour.

- Monsieur Kornblow.

- Call me Montgomery.

- Is that your name?

- No. I'm just breaking it in for a friend.

- How about getting rid of that mutt?

- Froufrou's a watchdog.

Let him watch somebody else.

Froufrou won't bother us.

He has such good manners.

Then he can get off your lap

and give me a seat.

He can stand better than me.

He's got twice as many legs.

Trs bien.

I was afraid of that. Hold everything.

Who is it?

- Boss, you got a woman in there?

- She lives here.

Yeah, but you don't.

She'll have to get you out.

- Remember, I'm your bodyguard.

- I'm too old to have a bodyguard.

Then you're too old to be in there.

That's pretty logical at that.

We go to my room.

Go down the back way.

- I'll meet you in five minutes.

- Oh, no. What about Froufrou?

You wouldn't want me to leave

my little poochie-goochie.

I'll meet you halfway. Bring the poochie.

Leave the goochie here.

All right.

I wanted to get loaded tonight,

but not this way.

- Wait a minute. What about Strauss?

- Let Strauss get his own girl.

- But I must have music.

- Music she's got to have.

Maybe we better call the whole thing off.

- Are you sure you have everything?

- I got enough to begin with.

Du Schweinund! I teach you...

Come in.

It's not very discreet of me

to come to your room.

- Do you think it's wise?

- Smartest thing you ever did.

You seem to be very sure of yourself.

Why not? I've got to be sure of one of us.

After all, I'm a man, and you're a woman.

I can't think of a better arrangement.

You men are all alike.

Don't let anybody tell you any different.

Let's pick up where we left off

in your room. Let's live for the moment.

That takes care of the moment.

- Boss, you got a woman in there?

- It's my sister.

She is? I'm her brother. Get her out.

I'll never leave her. I'm mad about her.

I've completely lost my head.

Put your hat on your neck and get out.

- These interruptions are driving me mad.

- They're cramping my style, too.

I'm going back to my room.

Here we go again,

the long journey westward.

If we're gonna go steady,

we'll have to get a small truck.

Hurry, will you?

Du Schweinund! I teach you to...

- Who's there?

- It's me, the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

- Boss, you got a woman out there?

- No.

Go away. I got one in here.

Save me the cork. I'm going fishing.

- Kornblow!

- Count Pfferman. Back unexpectedly?

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