A Prairie Home Companion

Market reports today...

barrows and gilts at 220 to 260 pounds

are lower at $40.

Sows are steady.

Goin' over to the feeder cattle,

beef steers, $120 to $150...

The way I like to do it...

is I take one can

of cream of mushroom soup...

and then one package of egg noodles.

I like the egg noodles

better than the Italian ones.

I like to put...

If we look at what the Lord said

in the book of Revelation...

you can be sure

that there's a price to pay...

for the way of the flesh

and that price will be paid if you don't...

Here's the wind-up and the pitch.

And it's two and two, two and two...

Before you just say,

'Honey, I think we have to have...

'some couple's counseling.

I mean, I think we have a problem.

'I can't leave a cup here for...'

All right. It's time for traffic on the fives...

and let's find out

what's going on with your drive.

Let's go to Chopper.

Chopper, what's happening?

All right, Lettie.

We got a fifteen-minute, uh, wait... 494.

There's an accident working

at the spaghetti junction.

at 630, but it still

will make a very slow go...

A quiet night in a city that knows

how to keep its secrets.

But one man is still looking for

the answers to life's persistent questions.

That's me.

Or it used to be.

It was a rainy Saturday night in St. Paul...

and I had just finished off

a grilled cheese sandwich...

with beans for a chaser...

and it was time to head

for work across the street.

I'm a private eye.

Noir's the name.

Guy Noir.

But I'd taken temporary employment

about six years before...

doing security for a radio show

called A Prairie Home Companion...

on account of a serious

cash-flow problem...

due to a lack of missing heiresses

and dead tycoons lying in the solarium...

with lipstick stains

on their smoking jackets.

In other words, I was broke.

This radio show was done

out of an old theater called the Fitzgerald...

and it had been on the air

since Jesus was in the third grade.

But it was still pulling in

a few hundred people on Saturday nights.

It was a live radio variety show,

the kind that died fifty years ago...

but somebody forgot to tell them

until this night.

A big corporation down in Texas

had bought up the radio station...

and their axeman,

a guy named Cruett...

was on his way to St. Paul

to shut the thing down...

and turn the theater

into a parking lot.

It was curtains and everybody knew it,

but nobody said so.

They were Midwesterners.

They felt like if you ignored bad news,

it might go away.

Not my philosophy,

but I'm not from here.

Stay on the edge of the crowd.

Keep your eyes open.

That's my motto.

It was my last night

of gainful employment...

and I had a feeling

it was maybe going to be interesting.

# I used to work in Chicago #

# At a convenience store #

# I used to work in Chicago #

# I did, but I don't anymore #

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now

at ten minutes from broadcast, please.

Ten minutes.

# A lady walked in

with some porcelain skin #

# And I asked her what she came in for #

# 'Liquor,' she said, and lick her I did #

# And I don't work there anymore #

Molly.

What... OK, OK.

Jesus, the schedule.

Uh...

Where's my pencil?

I gotta show you some changes.

Where's my pencil?

I just put it down here a second ago.

Where'd you put it last?

I just had it here a second ago.

Oh, it's... it's...

Don't mess with those.

Hey, hey, hey.

Please, move that back.

This one will make the...

This will make the wife

green-eyed with envy.

Ooh!

One more.

Do you think

she's coming by the studio?

Cuddle up a little bit.

There you go.

Hey, Guy.

How are you tonight?

I need a little help from you.

Take these Johnson Girl t-shirts.

Have someone take 'em up front.

- I'll take care of it.

- Nice tie.

Well, it's about damn time.

The very tardy Johnson Girls.

Hey, Al.

Givin' me a heart attack here.

What is this? Rewrites?

What's wrong with the old script?

How does that feel?

Give me a little sound effects on that one.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are now at six minutes to broadcast.

Six minutes from broadcast, please.

That's the... that's the...

Hey, Rich, that's that Honolulu mama...

how she could dance

in her pink pajamas...

when she took off

her Oahu Oahu Oahu.

No, it's an old

Carter family song, right?

A what?

Carter family, sweetheart.

Just like us, only famous.

Now, how long you been doin' this?

Doin' what?

Puttin' my pants on?

How long you been doin' radio?

Oh.

I don't know.

Thirty-some years, I guess.

Started out in Mark Twain Days,

Mississippi River...

and they hired me to play Huck Finn.

I was running a raft

on the Mississippi...

and carrying people across, and, uh...

it ran into the wake of a steamboat.

Mr. Keillor?

We need you on stage.

Fine. I'm right there.

Is this the story about the guy

who ends up hangin' from a kite...

bein' pulled by a boat

with his shorts around his ankles?

No. No, it's a different story

about a pontoon boat.

Oh! Look at this old house.

Good-bye, old house.

Good-bye, old porch.

Good-bye, old Guy.

Hey, Guy. What are they gonna do

with this house, you think? Huh?

I figure it had somethin' to do...

with the dumpster

that showed up yesterday.

Oh, my God.

Honey, listen.

I brought you that cute little dress...

I already told you,

I don't like the dress.

At least try it on.

I want to see it on you.

You try it on.

I don't want to try it on.

It's ugly.

It's the color of vomit.

Oh, sorry.

Old man Soderberg was

one of those people who was on that raft...

and, uh, he went over the rail

and into the river...

and I went in for him

'cause he couldn't swim.

So, I pulled him out.

You saved his life?

Well, not really.

The river was shallow at that point...

but he didn't know that

'cause I had hold of his ankles.

I was towing him into shore.

Hey! It's good to see ya!

Four minutes from broadcast, please.

Four minutes.

Ooh! Hey.

Hey.

Wait a minute.

Where's my bag?

No, no. The bag's here.

I brought it in.

Mom, just look.

Here it is.

Come on, Yolanda.

I swear to God I'm all,

you know, verklempt.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ohh.

Hot.

Yeah. See? Plenty of time.

So he gave you the job at WLT.

Well, his brother did, actually.

Yeah, Art Soderberg.

G.K. to the stage, please.

Art Soderberg gave you the job.

Yeah, it was a...

It was

the early morning show, right?

Rise and Shine Show.

Wilmer Scott, 5 A.M..

Me and Dusty used to have

an early mornin' show.

Is that right?

Excuse me, partner.

Oh, yeah.

Breakfast at the Bunkhouse.

TV show.

And, uh, it showed mostly...

cartoons and stuff.

Remember that?

- Oh, yeah?

- For the kids.

Well, this was... uh, this came on

at 5:
00 in the morning.

And it was... uh, like a gospel show.

- Inspirational show.

- Inspirational show.

Wilmer Scott was the host of it.

Wasn't Wilmer Scott the famous aviator?

No.

Yeah. First man to fly the length

of the Mississippi solo.

- No.

- I don't think so.

Right.

That was his brother Wilbur Scott.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes