A Prairie Home Companion Page #2

We're now at three minutes...

Flew from New Orleans to Memphis...

all the way up to Minnesota

to Lake Itasca.

And when he got up there,

he tried to fire a signal rocket...

out the cockpit window,

but it was closed.

He became the first civilian pilot

to shoot himself down.

- Ugh!

- No. That was Wilbur.

- You made that story up.

- Right.

No, I'm talking

about Wilmer Scott.

Crashed into the lake

at his moment of triumph.

- No.

- Wilmer.

- Wilmer. Yeah. He was the host...

- No. This was the...

- Right.

- The Rise and Shine Show.

Rise and Shine.

Mr. Keillor, Al's on the verge

of a coronary up there.

Yeah. I'm there.

Now, how did he have time

to fly and do radio?

G.K., sit down.

I gotta do your makeup.

You're thinking of Wilbur Scott, see?

Yeah. It's not the same person.

Not the same person.

- Yeah...

- He was dead.

You know, we used

to have a dog in the act...

when Wanda and Connie were in it...

- and that dog would sing...

- Ooo!

- Ha ha!

- Ha ha ha ha!

We'd sing this old song

and he would howl! Ha ha ha!

Oh, my God, that was a dog.

- I been thinkin' about him all day long.

- Yeah.

Rusty always comes to my mind.

Does it?

# Go tell Aunt Gladys #

- # Go tell Aunt Gladys #

- That's it!

# Go tell Aunt Gladys #

# The old brown dog is dead #

# An old brown dog named Rusty #

# An old brown dog named Rusty #

# An old brown dog named Rusty #

# He just laid down and died #

- Ruff! Ruff!

- Right on cue.

- It was... I mean...

- Bow wow wow!

- Ow, ow, ow!

- Bark bark bark!

- Oooowww!

- How-ow!

I don't know if we were

harmonizing with him...

or he was harmonizing with us.

# Oh, he died from chasin' squirrels #

Ladies and gentlemen...

# He died from chasin' squirrels #

This is not a test.

# He died from chasin' squirrels #

We're at two minutes from broadcast.

# He ate one and got sick #

# Must've been a bad one #

- # Must've been #

- Ha ha!

# A bad one #

# It must've been a bad one #

# He just laid down and died #

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God! This is it!

Oh!

I'm going into labor!

Oh! Uh... oh, my gosh!

I can feel it!

My baby's coming out!

It's going to come out on

this dirty make-up room floor!

Oh! Oh! Whoa!

Just take it easy.

Just kidding.

- Ohh! You...

- You phony!

Get her up out of there.

You were fakin'? !

I was callin' 911!

I'm sorry.

They just wouldn't pay attention.

- I had to think of something...

- I'm going to work.

- Oh!

- Didn't mean to scare you, Donna.

Wilmer Scott.

- Let's go.

- Garrison!

Wilmer Scott was the one

who hypnotized the chickens...

- There you go.

- on the show.

He did like, what,

four of those chickens in a row.

- Four or five of them.

- Who was Wilmer Scott?

He was the host of that

Rise and Shine Show.

Early in the morning. 5 A.M..

That's, uh, what, uh,

G.K. got started in radio.

Right. Gospel show.

And he hypnotized chickens

on the radio?

No, but he did

the chickens on this show.

On this show?

Not on that Rise and Shine Show.

OK.

All right, let's dim the house lights.

You remember when

he did those chickens?

- Hypnotized them?

- Yep.

Chinese chickens, right?

Kung Pao, I believe.

With the little... didn't they have a little...

Here we go. Over here.

Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.

Pisca what?

The sponsor. 5 A.M..

Rise and Shine Show.

What was it called?

Made of buffalo grass...

And thirty seconds to broadcast, please.

Sassafras, and natural grain alcohol.

What was it called?

Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.

No, it's

Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.

- Places, please.

- OK. Places.

That's what I said.

Remember the jingle?

How it went?

# Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin

Medicinal Formula #

Standin' by.

Here we go.

It was what Wilmer Scott

had in his coffee cup...

- Uh-huh.

- every morning.

- 5 A.M..

- Right here.

Then he quit drinking.

- Uh-huh. OK.

- And he lost interest in radio.

Check your barn doors.

He developed mic fright.

How did he quit drinkin'?

He just quit.

- And we're on.

- Then he raised chickens.

Show chickens.

Chinese chickens.

# I hear that old piano #

# From down the avenue #

# I smell the pine trees #

# I look around for you #

# Oh, my sweet, sweet,

sweet old someone #

# Coming through that door #

# It's Saturday

and the band is playin' #

# Honey, could we ask for more? #

Hello, everybody,

on a Saturday night...

and welcome to a live broadcast...

of A Prairie Home Companion

coming to you...

from WLT,

your friendly neighbor station.

Noir, where you been?

I was lookin' after the Johnson Girls.

OK. Aren't you supposed

to be guarding the door?

Are you worried about something?

Uh, I had a weird call

from some crazy lady, so...

Oh, she's not that crazy.

How do you know?

Because I met her

earlier this afternoon.

She came by.

What does she look like?

You get a description?

Yeah, I got a description.

Yeah?

She was beautiful.

Her hair was what God had in mind

when he said, let there be...

Hair. Right. Hair.

Hair. Yeah.

She gave me a smile so sweet...

you could've poured it

on your pancakes.

She was wearing a white

trench coat so white...

that rain would be

embarrassed to fall on it.

Got it. Right.

The skirt she was

wearing was so tight...

you could read

the embroidery on her underwear.

It said, 'Wash in lukewarm water

and spin lightly.'

OK, you're makin' it up.

She had a Mount Rushmore t-shirt on,

and those guys never looked so good.

Especially Jefferson and Lincoln.

Right.

Kind of bloated but happy.

- If you know what I mean.

- Yeah.

It was an honor just to sit there

and inhale the same air...

that she had so recently exhaled...

just to exchange the atmosphere

between us, so to speak.

Look, what did she want?

Did she say anything about...

Who?

The lady.

Oh. She was looking for

the Presbyterian Church.

Like a dope,

I told her where it was.

And out of my life she went, just as...

quickly and erotically

as she had entered it.

Are you tired

of your current herring?

Has it lost that certain

something that you expect...

in a pickled fish product?

If so, maybe it's time you try Jens Jenson.

It's the Lake Superior herring that's made

the old-fashioned Norwegian way.

C-can someone turn it down, please?

Please?

# Yeah, Jenson Herring is the best #

Oh, Jens Jenson's.

- Please.

- Ask for it by name.

And if your grocer doesn't stock it,

ask him why not.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna color my hair

strawberry blonde.

Hey.

I swear to God, I should

have done it years ago.

I should have broke loose...

gone to Chicago

when Mama died back then.

That's what I should have done.

You know, you put those things off.

You seldom get around to them again.

Hmm. What are you writin'?

Poem.

Oh, a poem.

What's it about?

Heh. Suicide.

Oh, my God.

Oh. OK.

Well, you know what my philosophy is.

Yes, I do, so don't tell me.

I think that you gotta be grateful

for everything that happens to you...

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