A Running Jump

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And imagine you're putting on

a very tight pair of jeans,

squeeze yourself in, rotating your thighs

and suck up your butt cheeks.

We want to end up with bums somewhere

at the base of our spines,

not halfway down the back of our legs.

Imagine there's an orange

in between your butt cheeks

and you're squeezing it. Squeeze it,

squeeze it.

Come on, I want to smell that juice.

That's it, and zipping up the front,

zipping up your core, zip it up,

we don't want to see any muffin tops,

let's tuck in all those flabby bits

and zipping it up, up, up, ribs down,

shoulders back and down,

necks long and shoot the energy

out the top of your heads.

And preparing for your hundreds.

Knees-up.

Chin to chest, shoulders up, arms down

by your side, in for five

and out for five, pumping all the time.

And in, 2, 3, 4, 5.

And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

And in, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Tummies in, 2, 3, 4,

5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Zip it up, 3, 4, 5.

And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Shoulders up, 2, 3, 4,

5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Strong arms, 2, 3, 4,

5, and pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Breathe, 2, 3, 4, 5, and pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Last one, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Hug your knees into your chests.

Nice job, ladies.

- Cor, dear, it ain't half

been windy, has it, eh? -It has.

Rain. Look at this city.

Bloody mess. Bins knocked over

and rubbish in the gutters.

Paper blowing here, blowing there,

blowing everywhere.

Cold Blow Lane, that's

where we used to play.

The day they moved us to Zampa Road,

I cried.

- Did you?

- Yeah, I don't mind admitting it.

We all cried. Grown men wept.

Yeah, you can laugh. They've had gales

north of the border.

Oh, talking of Scotland.

Millwall's a Scottish team.

That's why we play in blue and white.

You didn't know that.

But Millwall's not a Scottish team.

- It is, it is.

- But it's not.

It is. Years ago, these Scotsmen come down

from Dundee to make jam

for the sailing ships. HMS Whatsisname.

- Are you going the quickest way?

- I am going the quickest way, madam.

But I can't help this traffic, can I?

Millwall Rovers, they

started as a London team.

They've been up and down

the divisions like a yo-yo.

16 managers in 27 seasons.

We fear no foe where e'er we go!

- Is the Punto ready?

- Yeah. Since last week.

- Give us the keys.

- If you give us the money.

I've got a geezer to

buy it. He sorts me out,

- I'll give you the money.

- Suppose that goes pear-shaped?

- It won't. It's a cert.

- Nothing's a cert with you, Perry.

What are you talking about?

It's a business fundamental.

Fluidity of finance, fluidity of stock.

The fundamental of business in this garage,

people bring their cars in, I repair them,

they pay their money and drive away again.

- But they're punters. I'm a businessman!

- You're not. You're a tosser.

That's nice That's customer service

for you I'll take my business elsewhere.

- And while you're at it,

take your cars with you.

I will do, if you give me the keys!

I'll give you the keys

when you give me the

cash. I'm tired of them

cluttering my garage.

If they're not gone by next week,

I'll take them to the breakers. Now do one.

You're a dinosaur, Derek!

Now what? What are you doing here?

What are you driving me mad for?

Lend us 500. I've got a guy to buy

the Punto, but Derek's playing up again.

- Look at you. You're like a kid.

You've got to sort yourself out.

It's only 500 quid!

- Oh, is that all I'm not a

bank. I'm running a business.

I've got to get the motor.

I'm sick to death of bailing you out.

- Oh, go on! - No.

Off you go. - Please.

- Can I get on now? Thank you.

- Deb, it's only five...

Anyone in?

Hello, Mick speaking.

Yes, we are. 1,500 quid.

It's a white Mercedes, estate,

1990 reg, automatic, 157,000 on the clock,

1,500 quid.

Well, it's a Merc, darling,

it's got full service history.

It'll run forever, it's built like a tank...

B*tch.

Coosey-boy! Have you?

No, not this week. Listen, with the tickets,

take them to Jamie down the caff,

he'll give you the money.

Tell him I'll see him right

when I get to the grand. Sweet?

Down the caff, round the back.

No, I don't want any cool boy shirts.

All right, laters.

- Yeah, I've got to work on my tan.

- Me too.

- It's all right for you.

So, where's hot, then?

Caribbean?

Oh, yeah, just jump on a bus...

Yeah, all right. What

about the Mediterranean?

Yeah, there's Majorca.

- Ayia Napa. - Ibiza.

- Oh, my God, yeah!

You all right, Dad?

Jody, are you home?

- No, I'm out. Why? - 'Where

are you?' - What do you want?

I've a geezer coming round.

I'm going home in a bit anyway.

I've got to go to work.

Don't worry, I'll see you in a minute.

Hello, Doug speaking.

Yeah, hello, mate.

Excuse me!

You're not allowed to bomb into the water.

It's dangerous, all right?

Hello.

We spoke yesterday on the phone.

I'm Gary.

Yeah?

About the Fiat?

Oh, the Punto, yeah.

It's 2.30.

Are you Mick?

No, no, he'll be back in a minute.

Come in.

Here, up here.

- Upstairs?

- Yep.

I've just been reading about Lester Piggott.

Oh, yeah?

He was very little, you know.

Mind you, they all are, ain't they?

Who's that, then?

Anybody watching us over there?

- Sorry?

- Have a look.

Uh...

No.

Nosy sods. All right, sit down.

There's a woman round here makes

a very nice cakes.

- Oh, that's nice.

- What do you think of that, then, eh?

50 inch.

- I could get you one of them.

- Really?

Yeah, get you anything you want.

Here, trainers.

Good quality...

- Are you all right?

- Yes, thank you. Sit down.

Jeans, jigsaw puzzles, you name it,

I can get it for you.

- You only have to say the word.

- Is he going to be long?

Who?

Oh. No!

No, no, he's just, he's out

giving your car a wax.

Have you got a motor?

Yeah. Well, no. It died

on me, unfortunately.

- What was it?

- Oh, it was only a Peugeot.

Well, yeah.

- Have you come far, then?

- Not that far. I live...

Got a job?

Yeah. I'm a care assistant.

What, uh, mentally handicapped?

- Old people's home.

- Walter Winterbottom.

What does that name mean to you?

He was the England manager before

Sir Alf Ramsey in 1966.

World Cup.

He deployed the 4-2-1-2-1 system,

the diamond formation.

But Alf preferred 4-3-3, the triangle,

or 4-4-2. Ah, but you see,

he had the great Bobby Moore to...

Here!

How many goals did Bobby Moore

score for England?

Two.

Tell you what, come 2012,

you won't prise me out of my chair

when the Olympics are on.

I'll sit there with me

lagers and me Chinese takeaway

and I'll watch it all day, every day.

I'll be glued to the box.

My cab can go in retirement for a

couple of weeks and I don't care.

Here you go! 2012.

Or what's going to be left of it.

What?

Well, you might as well

enjoy it while you can.

What do you mean?

- Well, you know.

- What?

End of days.

Nothing wrong with me, I'm fit as a fiddle.

No, no, no. No, I didn't...

Great Cycle.

What, the milk race, you mean?

No. The Mayan calendar?

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