A Stand Up Guy

1

How you doing?

Give me 300.

Come on, come on, come on, 300.

By the way, you're looking unbelievable.

You're losing weight, right?

Face looks chiseled. Take this.

You have a nice tan.

Tell your mom I said, "Hello", all right?

Call her.

All right?

- Dom, let me ask you a question.

- What?

What makes you think that a

shaved head's a good look on you?

I don't know. You know, the

hairline was falling back a little.

Figured I'd trick the scalp.

"Trick the scalp?"

You tricked the earth, bro.

Doesn't look great.

What? You don't like it?

Looks like your mother

f***ed a marshmallow.

I, I don't even get that.

I don't know, you just got a

face that looks better with hair.

I mean, look at my hair.

You never seen me shaving

my f***ing head, do you?

You don't need to, you're growing

hair while I'm looking at you.

I know, how great is that, huh?

- See...

- I thought checking in

was when I left and told

you where I was going.

How's that not checking in?

Hello.

Hell...

Dom, come here.

This is the address to the house.

Family's out of town, so you're clean.

Hey, you're taking that

loudmouth LeGucci with you?

- What, Sammy?

- Yeah.

Ah, yeah, he's a good guy.

Can't stop sharing his

thoughts. He's going.

He thinks I don't know

he's flipping electronic

cigarettes all over town.

Plus, I ain't seen a dime from him.

Uh, you know, I don't

know anything about that.

Okay, listen.

There's over 200 large in the house.

It's behind the fake

fireplace when you get in.

Family's on vacation.

It's good. It's no problem.

Sammy!

Yo!

I heard you got a beat

on electronic cigarettes.

Yeah, I heard a few things.

I'll let you know if it's worth it.

Remember...

Smoking kills.

Yeah.

Dom, let me ask you a question.

Why does your uncle always have

to exit with a dramatic statement?

I don't know.

I don't like him.

Plays the "Nice Guy" role.

Then, boom, says some sh*t

you can't be comfortable with.

Look, I wouldn't worry about it.

But, look, he says this

score, it's like 200k.

Okay, we need to get this money,

get some new head shots,

model my way into a

f***ing catalog already.

Sal, you're 41 years old.

So what?

40 year Olds are a huge

marketing demographic.

Plus, they buy a lot of sh*t.

Not from your face.

Thanks.

So, how is school?

School's not as bad as I

thought it was gonna be.

Well, that's good.

I wouldn't want you to be sick

of school this early in the game.

That, I can't promise.

Oh, God.

Honey, time's up.

Uh.

All right, come on.

- There's never enough time, right, Maddy?

- Yeah.

You know I love you. I'm gonna

see you in a few days, okay?

Hi, honey.

Mommy needs just a minute with Daddy, okay?

- Do you wanna sit here?

- Okay.

- Love you, Daddy. See you soon.

- I love you, Maddy.

Here, take the ball.

I'll see you this week, okay, honey?

Okay.

Step into my office.

An office? Wow, what a great idea.

An actual office.

That would mean you would have a real job.

Don't go spending it all

on your hair or your shoes

or whatever you do with your money.

My hair? My hair is the problem, wow.

Okay, you know, I swear to

god, I look at you and I think

there's so many things

you could've been good at.

Maybe stealing is my gift, huh?

That's not funny. Sammy...

Your daughter needs some time with you.

Like an actual schedule.

I know.

I'm working on a schedule.

Trust me.

This is gonna be like taking

candy from a f***ing baby.

A baby gorilla.

Hey, I think I know that guy.

From your modeling school?

Sh*t on my dreams again, I will

f***ing kill you where you stand.

Calm down, Fabio, it's a f***ing joke.

Sh*t.

I'm didn't have to use the drill.

I thought we were gonna have to

do some weak point drilling here.

Is that what you call

it when you bang Lorie?

Everything is not a joke.

Holy f***.

- What?

- Holy f***.

Nice.

200k, boys.

Motherfucking jackpot.

Freeze! Hands where we can see them.

One wrong move and Sammy

and I will shoot you for fun.

- F*** this sh*t.

- Come on, come on.

Oh, my God.

Freeze, you f***ers.

Sammy Legucci, why am I not shocked?

Put the gun down, Tommy.

I'm telling you, bro,

crazy is the best in bed.

Uh, you sleep with a girl that never

met her real dad, sh*t's going down.

Come out of the bed,

you're missing a tooth,

you got a black eye, your foot hurts,

your ear's throbbing,

you're hearing new languages.

It's f***ing amazing. Orphanage p*ssy.

Give it a shot, bro, trust me.

Legucci!

You got some real f***ing issues.

You tell us who's running

things and we cut a deal.

Otherwise, you get the max and you know it.

There's nothing I can do here.

No offense, Tommy.

I mean, you can really use a mint.

What did you eat, everything?

- All right.

- Wise ass.

Friends or no friends, you ain't

leaving this room until you talk.

Uh, I'm disgusted with you.

I expected bigger things

from you in life, Sammy.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Voted "Most Likely to Succeed",

dated the hottest girl in school.

I don't know, I think you had options.

Now you're going away for

robbery, book-making, extortion,

I'm guessing fixing horses.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I never fixed no horses.

Give me some name, Sammy.

Save yourself, you know what I'm

saying? You know, you got a kid.

She's gonna need you around.

Think big picture. You

don't talk like that.

You do a bit, you come out,

you missed her confirmation,

you go back in, you missed her wedding,

you go in again, you missed her baby.

Before you turn around, you're an old

ex-con and you missed her goddamn life.

You're a cop or a psychic, what are you?

I'm both.

Sammy.

I got something for you.

It's only because I've

known you my whole life.

It's not a sad song mix tape, is it?

Might as well be.

Even though you didn't invite

me to your 21st birthday party.

'Cause I always knew

you were gonna be a cop.

What's up, Pat?

What's up? Your bearded

friend's gotta go.

Yeah?

He's a loose f***ing

cannon and I don't like it.

Never shuts the f*** up, f***, he

doesn't kick up when he's supposed to.

All right, now what do you

want me to do about it?

Nothing. Just go back to your wife

and I'll take care of the rest.

You wanna pretend

that life is a joke,

then, unfortunately, I

have to teach you a lesson.

'Cause that's what I do.

Little f***ing bearded lawn jockey.

All right, all right.

I've got a plan for this

extra head f*** wizard.

Looks like a Middle-Eastern

version of Merlyn, the magician.

I get it.

You know that voice?

Like the back of my hand.

This is a memorandum

of understanding, Sammy.

Keep a low profile till we

bring you back to testify.

We will provide you with a new

identity, a home somewhere in America,

$65,000 a year in salary,

and 24-hour protection.

That's a guarantee.

Guaranteed boring life,

that's what that is.

But as much as I hate to say it, on

this, you're doing the right thing.

The girls will stay with me.

Thanks, Frank.

Tell Maddy I'll be in touch

and that I love her very much.

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