A Stand Up Guy Page #2

Of course, kid.

What if I wanna go see her?

That's entirely up to you.

But we only provide protection as long

as you stay within these guidelines.

You know Pat's gonna make bail.

So watch your back.

Where are you taking me?

This is like the vanilla version of a life.

I don't feel good about this.

You think I give a damn how you feel?

Just keep your nose out of trouble.

I don't wanna have to

monitor your every move.

Isn't that your job?

So what?

Think I love my job?

I'm just gonna do my time,

save some lives,

make some extra bucks on the side,

you don't mind, do you?

I've got an ingrown

toenail I care more about.

You're a real sensitive guy, huh?

I'm here to keep tabs on you and that's it.

I don't like the small talk.

I don't like small talk either, okay?

I don't know what's more

depressing, your voice or my life.

I think I can answer that.

This is Sheriff Colin wood.

Wowie, looky here.

We have ourselves a real live

mafioso from the big city.

There's no such thing as

the mafia, okay? So relax.

Yeah, I'm sure there is not.

But just remember, we have families here.

Big families with big guns.

So I'm sure we'll get along just fine.

Chief, he is here under our protection.

Let's just try to get

off on the right foot.

Okey-dokey.

Maybe one day we can

meet up and have a beer,

share some stories.

I bet you got some good stories, huh?

Bet yours will throw us

for a real whimsy, huh?

What the hell's a whimsy?

What the hell's a whimsy, Mr. Hirsh.

Hesh.

His new name is Derek Hesh.

I obviously didn't pick it.

I bet you didn't.

Hmm?

Bet you wanted to pick

something like Travolta.

Hmm?

Hi, you must be Derek.

I'm Tricia, Colin's wife and this Rex

and we are so happy to have you here.

I hope you don't mind us

showing up unannounced.

I just wanted to let you know

we're right down the block.

If you need anything,

don't hesitate to ask.

Isn't this area just great?

Is that dirt

or chocolate on his face?

Oh, it's both.

The boy gets into everything.

What exactly did your

husband tell you about me?

Oh, he said you are from New York

and that you were just a

spitfire of a personality

and that you were gonna be great

here with us small town folk.

He said you were working

construction or something so I just,

I brought you a pie.

Enjoy, it's apple.

- Thank you.

- Mm-mmm.

- You a smoker?

- Yeah, why?

Hold on.

Try this.

You're gonna thank me.

And the little man's gonna thank me too.

You're gonna have a lot

of energy after this,

you're gonna be cleaning his face all day.

Mon, I wanna try one.

Those look fun to me.

Make it happen.

Stop it, Rex.

My father wants to know

if you got the phone.

'Course I go that phone

I'm talking to you on it.

Tell him I said, "Thank you".

Where's my daughter?

I'd like to speak to her.

She's not here right now.

When can I call her?

I don't know.

Just give me a time that I can call her.

Try back in a few days and

I'm sure you'll catch her.

Okay, tell her I said hi.

All right.

One more drink

And I didn't think

She was serious When

she said goodbye

One more shot

That's all I got

When I keep my name

In her favorite car

She was my only

girl My whole world

Who would've thought That

it would end like this

Never saw myself

As a stalker

But she left me High and dry

So she had to know

When she decided to go

That I would

follow right behind

Never saw myself

As a stalker...

Hey, how can I help you?

My God does your face

look out of place in here.

Get out of here.

It's just that you're really hot and

your face doesn't go with this building.

Oh, your mouth must be real dry from

all that hot air coming out of it.

Are you drinking?

Yeah, I'll have a whiskey

and some confidence.

- Eh, let me ask you a question.

- Hmm.

Is this the hot spot in town? This is it?

Let me see.

We have a broken-hearted

redneck on stage named Mel,

singing about a love he

probably never even had.

So if you call that a hot

spot, then this is the hot spot.

I think I have a crush.

Oh, let's hope not.

What's your name?

Hey, Manny. This is my brother.

- Your brother?

- Mm-hmm.

Nice to meet you.

Is it?

The f*** happened at your house growing up?

Lot of awkward family talk.

Well, she stole my

heart My car, my soul

She stole my spirit

And she hurt me so...

So we open the trunk, it's

like 3,000 beanie babies.

Chinese, black, Puerto Rican.

We thought we were hijacking cigarettes,

we ended up hijacking

a ten year old's dream.

Ha!

Many, come on.

When a man meets a woman

something happens inside,

deep inside.

His first inclination

is to recite a diatribe,

as he relates to his rebellious

history as a childhood thief,

thereby appearing edgy,

cool,

tough.

All the while just trying to

gain access into her lady palace.

What?

I didn't say anything.

She stole my spirit

And she hurt me so

I tried, I tried

I cried, I cried

And they found her

body I lied, I lied

This guy is killing me

with his depressing songs.

Had to do it

I mean, he's confessing to murder with

the worst voice I ever heard in my life.

Why don't you get up there?

No, no, no.

I don't show off in front of strangers.

Why stop now?

Showing off is just

insecurity masking as bravado.

I've got a 100 bucks

that says you won't do it.

I'll put 50 on top of that.

150 bucks just to go up there?

Uh-huh.

Who's bringing me up?

Hey, Mel.

Time to tuck your sensitive

heart back in your pants.

Just bring up this guy,

what's your name again?

Derek.

Little DD.

It's Derek.

Little Deacon.

All right. Yeah, please

welcome Little Deacon.

- It's Derek.

- Please welcome Little Derek.

And if anybody knows where JD is,

please come see me after the show.

- 150 bucks?

- Mm-hmm.

Put your money out.

Mel nearly broke my heart

and my love for music.

That was the opposite of uplifting, right?

I mean, the guy couldn't hit

a note if he blew Marvin Gaye.

Wow, you two.

What dressed you, a goat?

When was the last time

you shaved? Never ago?

You guys never heard of gel?

No? Hair products?

Are you eating a jawbreaker

or is his balls in your mouth?

Your parents, definitely f***ed in woods.

No doubt about it.

Look at you.

The product of a deer and a man.

Two friends sharing one tooth.

I'm killing it up here.

This is great, I can do it all day.

So, when Lorie writes, "I still like you",

she really means, "I love you".

She just didn't write "love", right?

I don't know, bro.

I'm pretty sure she knows the

difference between like and love.

No, no, no, no.

It's gotta be some kind of

auto-correct malfunction or something.

Yeah, you know, you

could tell yourself that

but that technology is,

it's pretty rock solid.

So is our love, bro.

Oh, hang on.

She just sent a video.

Let's see what she says.

It's probably an apology.

We don't text our apologies.

Hey, Sal, I just jerked your cousin

for the third time, isn't that weird?

I got real problems and I

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