A Stand Up Guy Page #3

gotta listen to this crap?

Sammy Legucci.

We gotta find him.

Hmm.

Want one?

Okay, coming up next to the stage,

if it wasn't for selling

fly fishing videos,

our next act would be sleeping

in a barrel of whiskey.

Here to sing about his drinking

problem and his penchant for stalking,

give it up for your favorite, Mel.

Yo, you move any slower,

you'll be going backwards.

Come on, buddy.

Thank you, Derek.

Well, I like to get right to it,

I don't like to mince words,

or ramble or just make stuff up.

That'd be a waste of your time and my time.

This song I'd like to do is called,

"That Wasn't Me Heavy Breathing

on the Other End, Leslie."

You know, I hear, Mel,

he's out there dating again.

And I think you really did

something special for him.

I think even his lyrics, they've

even made a turn for the positive.

Yeah, some people just

can't shake a heartbreak.

Mm, not me.

I shook mine like the dust off a porch mat.

I just can't see a guy breaking your heart.

Well, it wasn't really my

heart, more like my nose.

- Really?

- Hmm.

See if that guy wants to come back for

an old fashioned lesson in relationships.

I left that part of my past long ago.

Yeah, I left mine too.

...Lousy, dirty whore

So, he's sending you the money.

Bit by bit.

But, yeah.

Oh, I can't believe they broke up.

To you and Madison?

Yes, Dad, so what?

He's supposed to, she's his daughter.

All his life, he does the bare minimum.

She is not 32.

I never hated the guy.

I mean, I know he ran his mouth off too

much and he played the class clown...

Whoa, whoa, you're defending him.

Beautiful, Dad, thank you.

I'm just saying.

Maybe he'll find his way,

his path, you never know.

No, he won't, Dad.

He's right where he's supposed to be.

In hiding.

So I tell this kid,

if he doesn't kick in the wig,

I'm taking his TV and his car.

What does he do? What does he do?

He hands me the keys to

the car, just like that.

I rode a rhinoceros in Guatemala

with a man named Phillip.

So, I'm driving the car

for like a week, right?

Come to find out the guy

doesn't even own the car.

I saved a woman and her dwarf son

from a hotel fire against my will.

It's great.

Listen,

I pull into the house right, just

as I'm about to make a right...

I once caught a land shark in Tijuana.

It was tricky.

Yo, Manny, what the f*** is up?

Why you keep interrupting me, bro?

Your stories take too long and I'm

having a hard time believing them.

The condom broke

We're having a baby

The happiest accident

That I've ever known

He was my John

And I was his lady

I canceled my appointments

For the rest of the time

I love you, John

That's his real name.

Wow.

Don't know where that came from.

Let's not question that.

I like it.

Give me another one.

Mmm.

All right, I got to go on stage.

All right, I'll be right back.

Mmm, keep that thought, all right?

Yes.

Jenny, you still owe $20

for those e-cigarettes.

Hey, you.

Where the hell are you from, anyway?

Dressed like you're in some

old time gang or something.

You know what? I am in a gang.

You ever heard of "Sleep With Your

Mothers, The Bigger Your House"?

Hey, that sh*t ain't funny.

Oh, I think the audience thinks it's funny.

You know, you sneak into

town all quiet and what not

with your greasy, greasy personality.

Who knows where you're from, man?

Clint, shut your trap.

Go drink with your mother.

There you go. A woman after

my own heart. Thanks, honey.

All right, tough guy.

Let's dance.

Wow, those are four words in a row

out of you. You might need a nap.

Somebody come clean this sh*t up.

You must be one of the

dumbest people on the planet.

I tell you to lay low

and you get into a fight

with one of the locals while doing comedy?

Let me put it to you like this.

You just made my life twice as hard as

it is and that's damn near impossible

considering that I have

high blood pressure,

a love of dark alcohol

and a gambling addiction.

Now, you listen to me, Sammy,

you have one responsibility,

one responsibility,

stay boring.

You got that, Sammy?

Stay boring.

Hi, welcome back everybody

to The Show.

Before we get to my first guest this

evening, I have to share with you,

this video that I got

sent over the weekend.

It's insane.

There's a stand up comedian, he's

doing his act and he's getting heckled,

and then madness ensues.

Have you seen this?

It's like John Gotti doing open mic night,

guy gets into a fight with two

people in the crowd, unbelievable.

At first, I thought it was fake,

but, apparently, it's not, take a look.

Wow, those are four words in a row

out of you. You might need a nap.

Excuse me, ladies,

what are you looking at?

- We're watching you.

- Excuse me?

Yeah, it's definitely you.

Beating up Clint with

everyone in town watching.

It's kinda sexy.

What are you talking about?

Not bad for a small town comic.

Better than Bieber when he started.

Even though, you're

like three times as old.

Old?

My hair's still in fifth grade.

I'd like to see what your

dad's hair looked like at 35.

My dad was struck by

lightning at a state fair.

I'm sorry to hear that.

How did he look pre-strike?

Somebody come clean this sh*t up.

500,000 views.

It's, you're like, famous.

And they love you, like,

look at these comments, uh...

"My Lord, did Dice Clay and

George Lopez have a baby?"

"This guy's got it all."

Uh, oh.

"Say hello to my little

friend, I love this comic."

Somebody's found their calling.

She texted back, "K".

What the hell is that?

"K" is just a solid

response, don't read into it.

"K" is a verbal stabbing.

Here's your money, Frank.

Yo.

Your friend Sammy's

blowing up on the internet.

- Excuse me?

- Yeah.

I mean, who knew the guy was so funny.

And he's a badass.

What the f*** you talking about, Chucky?

Sammy's gone.

No, he's not. He's back, look.

I want this town rat dead.

Done.

We'll find his ass.

You know you really messed up

with this whole online video thing.

I mean, being popular is the

worst thing you could do right now.

It wasn't my fault,

the guy was heckling me.

What am I supposed to do?

I had to protect myself.

He's lucky I didn't stab

him with the f***ing mic.

Piece of sh*t.

No one's getting stabbed.

I'm gonna need a very detailed account

of your whereabouts at all times, okay?

I'll make sure you're all right.

I go from home to the

bar, you know my schedule.

I'm dead.

This is not f***ing good.

You spend a lot of time

with that Vicky, right?

So I'm gonna need her address.

Mr. Hesh?

I need to be honest with you.

Last time someone said that to me,

my girlfriend told me she

likes my best friend better.

Oh, that's too bad.

My best friend was a

girl, so it was all right.

Little emasculating but it

brought out my sensitive side.

I knew you were good.

You have a timing I

haven't heard it in years.

A natural delivery.

Like a Dangerfield or a Dice.

Now I don't wanna say

Pryor but I see a glimpse.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes