A Stand Up Guy Page #4

Are you trying to f*** me? I was

only kidding about the sensitive side.

F*** you? I booked the Majestic Theater.

No sh*t.

I booked Rascal Flatts last week

and hand to God, all sold out.

And my new client, Todd Player,

he'll be there performing next week.

Well, look at that, two artists

I've never even heard of.

Mr. Hesh...

Derek...

Bobbale...

I want you to open for Todd.

That's right, picture this,

"Sold Out"

You can sell merch after

the show, if you got any.

Oh,

and it pays five grand.

Let me understand this.

You're gonna pay me $5,000 to tell jokes.

I can sell whatever

merchandise I want afterwards.

Is this a trick? Who sent you here?

Huh? Who sent you here?

What happened to the tail end of my sub?

- What?

- The sub tail,

it's the best part.

When the cheese and meat and the peppers,

they all accidentally get moved into

the tail end of the bread situation.

Pat, I think we killed everything in it.

Yeah, it's all about the meat

to bread ratio for me too, Pat.

She is cheating. I know it.

Enough.

All right, listen up.

I got a guy on the inside.

I met him when I was inside.

He's gonna meet up with

you and lead us to Sammy.

I hope they have this in heaven.

Some guy shows up to the bar,

offers me $5,000 to perform.

- You serious?

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

That's amazing.

I have never met anyone like you.

I have never met anyone like me.

I can't do it.

Why not?

It's gotta be the 500,000 views,

it's gotta be, right?

Or it's a sign?

Stop sign.

People think you're funny.

Not everyone.

Oh, hi, there he is.

Okay, so this how it's gonna happen.

When we announce you, you go on.

You'll see a light in the middle

of the room by the sound booth.

When that light hits you, you

take your time, but wrap it up.

And we take care of the rest.

If I die on that stage tonight,

I want you to take my ashes

and I want you to spread

them all over Brooklyn, okay?

God forbid,

Pu-pu-pu.

You're already a hit.

Let's give him half the money back.

People skip their shows all the time,

just say it was my voice

or something, you know.

Yo, Bobby, coffee's over.

- I'll take care of it in just a second.

- All right.

Todd Player, this is Derek Hesh.

Hey, Derek, man, God,

yo, I'm a big fan, man.

I love your video,

f***ing sh*t is sick, man.

Comedy and music, it's like one

and the same, every note counts.

- I admire you, dude.

- Thank you.

I always heard if the opening act

sucks, the whole show is a wash.

You guys are taking a big risk

here, seriously, I'm telling you.

I could just leave and no

one will even know I was here.

Derek, I am risk.

I freaking hand glided off the

Rockies in the dead of winter.

Did the Baja 1000.

In just a jeep wrangler.

Swam with the sharks in the Dominican...

Naked.

You wanna open for yourself?

You got a f***ing resume.

Dude, come on, you know, every

night, I take the stage, right?

And I'm singing songs about

lost p*ssy and runaway dogs

and the f***ing people are going ape sh*t,

but you, you are doing important sh*t.

Yeah, man, you're you're saving the earth.

I think I'm a f***ing fraud.

- No, man.

- I do.

I wanna tell you something, my friend,

'cause you got sad eyes,

I was bar mitzvahed at the Wailing Wall.

My real name is Todd Silverstein,

I'm the son of a Jewish scrap man

and a lesbian Hebrew school teacher.

Get the f*** out of here.

Derek, mazel tov.

Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage,

all the way from your

neighborhood watering hole,

please give a warm Wisconsin welcome,

- to Derek Hesh.

- I'll be right back.

- This better f***ing work.

- You'll crush it.

Thank you, thank you.

You probably want me to

sing you a little something.

- Just like a little something. Let's rock it up.

- No, I'm okay.

Something about the way

She keeps me hanging on

And I keep coming

on back For more

You probably want me to continue or...?

- No, no it's...

- I'm sorry I said p*ssy.

P*ssy.

You look like Tom Selleck f***ed a badger.

Oh.

I gotta give you credit.

You have some balls leaving

the house with that face.

He's cool.

Maybe we take him on the road with us.

It's not a bad idea.

You see my cocaine?

- Nope.

- Nyquil?

Nope.

Maybe crush me up some Vibrin and

baby aspirin and put it in my hummus.

You got it.

Your poor dad, your poor dad.

I'm sure he wished he pulled out.

How does it feel to put

your parents in therapy?

So...

You and Derek.

You guys serious or what?

Very.

So...

Not really, then?

I get it.

Extremely.

I'll poke you on Facebook.

Give it up for the construction worker

from the village people, everybody.

Doesn't he look like him? I mean, God.

And that mustache.

My name is Derek Hesh, thank you so much.

We have a great show for you guys.

Todd Player's coming to the stage.

Thank you very much.

There he is.

Derek, darling, you know, I think I can

get you on The Show with Ian Cams.

- The talk show?

- The one and only.

I can't do that, listen, I'm

getting a little too popular

and I'm trying to keep a low profile,

so, it's not gonna happen, okay?

But, you know,

Buble, Buble, he was

discovered at a wedding.

Who gives a sh*t?

I give a sh*t.

I'm gonna get you his book.

Please, don't.

- It's a great read.

- I don't read.

- You know what, Derek, can I give you a hug?

- No.

- Come on.

- No hugs.

- Can I give you a hug, please?

- Don't touch me.

- Can I just touch your face?

- No.

All right, how about this?

You want eight Thai boys

massaging you in bare shorts

and whispering sweet nothings

in your ear? You got it.

You want a line of

geishas doing magic tricks,

pulling rabbits out of their

a**holes while they whistle Dixie?

You got it.

'Cause I'm your guy.

Bob Lifshitz, whatever

you want, I'm your guy.

- Listen...

- Listen,

Bob, not interested, can't do it,

not gonna happen.

That's it, it's done, over with,

get out of here, come on, stop.

- All right...

- This was fun, by the way.

You know Bob, said he can

get me on the Ian Cams show.

What?

- Yeah.

- That's amazing.

Are you gonna do it?

No, I can't do that, no.

Why? It's such a good opportunity.

Yeah, listen, um...

I've been wanting to tell you

something, I gotta tell you something.

And I don't want you to get mad, okay?

But...

Here it is, my name is Sammy Legucci,

it's not Derek Hesh and I'm in

the Witness Protection Program.

In the, in, in the what,

did you kill somebody?

No, no, listen...

What did you do?

Just...

I'm from Brooklyn, New York and

I grew up with some bad people

and I did some really bad things

and now it's coming back

and biting me in the ass.

Now I have to testify against them

and the government put me here.

You know, to protect me for a couple

months till I go back and testify.

But that's it, it's over, it's done with.

Okay, so...

So, so what does this mean for us then?

No, it doesn't mean

anything. I just wanted to...

If I didn't care about you, I

wouldn't have said anything, but...

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