A Stand Up Guy Page #5

Look, I'm sorry, it's just,

there's one more thing,

I have a daughter.

Yes, and I have to go see her

before this whole thing goes down.

I'm sorry.

Please.

- How are you?

- Good.

- How's Maddy?

- She's fine.

- She's fine.

- Right.

- In and out, right?

- That's it.

Okay, I mean, forget the boys, my

daughter scares me more than they do.

Tell me about it.

- She's gone, right?

- Yeah.

She's in the city for a couple days.

All right, good.

Thanks, Frank.

Hi.

Why did you have to go? It's not fair, Dad.

Maddy, I'll be back, I promise.

I can't tell you exactly when

but I promise, I'll be back.

Just had to see your face.

You don't have another

family somewhere, do you?

What? No. I don't have

another family, honey,

No, you're the only family I have.

Maddy, I love you very, very much, okay?

And I will be back, I promise, I will.

You think so?

I know so, honey.

Listen, I want you to be a good girl,

I want you to listen to your mom, okay?

- Okay.

- I love you so much.

I love you too.

I gotta go, okay.

And now, you know, walking down to the car,

f***ing clothes on my neck, my head,

everywhere, I'm holding it up.

Get to my car, I'm looking around,

it's f***ing towed, gone, nothing is there.

So, now, I'm schlepping to,

uh, my friend's apartment...

Had to take an Uber over here.

You guys take Uber, right?

You know that these guys can review you?

What do you think these

reviews are even like?

As if I don't have enough

negative feedback in my life.

And the technology in these cars,

you know, you could just walk in,

link up your Spotify, listen

wirelessly, no problems.

Maybe they should link up with

Tinder, maybe even Hotels Tonight,

you know, take her out,

lay her down, ship her out.

You guys ever check out this JSwipe thing?

Yeah, it's like Tinder for ugly people.

Done.

I gotta find better friends.

You know, most people have a friend

for life, all my friends are doing life.

You know, but I'm new in town.

You know, I started dating, I met this

girl, she got so many personalities.

She keeps asking me, "Do you even like me?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I like

all seven versions of you.

I like your Sunday, I like your

Tuesday, your Thursday is a little off.

Of course, I like you,

you have sex with me."

Dating's hard, especially

when you're getting old,

God, I'm getting old.

You know how I'm getting old?

I used to play basketball, all

day, every day, nothing, I was fine.

Yesterday, I pulled a muscle on my

neck ordering food and looking left.

Yeah, there's a problem.

Anybody single in the audience?

Any single guys in the audience?

I got some good news for you.

After this financial crisis,

personality is making a comeback.

Personality is definitely

making a comeback, I swear.

I got eight jokes and Honda

Accord and I'm f***ing everybody.

Okay, so, people are calling like

crazy for reservations, Sammy.

We literally can't take them all.

Babe, can we please still call me Derek?

My fake identity is the only

thing I still got going here.

I really messed up, you know that, right?

- Why?

- By doing all this.

Becoming "The Man".

Doing stand up.

I mean, you might think it's cool, but...

Where I come from, my friends

take this sh*t very seriously.

Well, what about the people

that are protecting you?

What about 'em?

If you knew where I come from, ha.

Yeah, okay, look, there's a motel

just past mile marker 61, meet there.

And as little talking

as possible, you follow?

Yes, and bring the money, okay?

Of course, I'm sure, what are you...

Okay, yeah, goodbye.

Oh, that feels so good.

I'm so glad you're here.

I know, I'm so happy to be here.

Uh, unfortunately, tonight

we can't do anything.

What are you talking

about? You're already here.

I know, but my girlfriend just reminded me,

- Mercury is in retrograde.

- What?

What does retrograde have

to do with you and me?

I'm very sensitive right now.

And sleeping with you tonight

could really set me off.

What? You didn't even know it was in

retrograde before your friend told you.

I know. But I knew

something was definitely off.

I mean, I cried during a

"Save the Tiger" commercial

and I don't even care about tigers.

Can't you just start this whole

retrograde nonsense tomorrow?

I can't, I made a decision this morning

and if there's one thing, you cannot change

your mind when Mercury's in retrograde.

Hmm, well.

I guess maybe you should go.

You wanna cuddle?

Let's cuddle.

This is a disaster.

No, it's nice, there.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, he's not even the talented one.

Come on, Sal, you gotta quit that sh*t.

Look, Sammy's always been funny.

He's got a thing about him,

you know, he's the kind

of guy you go to a party...

I knew the day I met you

That I loved you

And I needed you

Sal, what the f*** is wrong with you?

Goddammit, Dom.

Look,

I'm the one who played

peter Pan in fifth grade.

- Jesus Christ.

- Huh?

Remember that? I was good.

I was f***ing great.

Flying around and sh*t.

Sammy? He couldn't even

play one of them lost boys.

All he had to do was play lost.

Yeah, Star Search,

you're f***ing losing it.

Okay? Look,

I don't even wanna do this Sammy sh*t.

What? Hunting him down,

taking out our friend?

Oh, yeah? You wanna go to your Uncle

Pat, and say we're not doing it?

Guy's not even my real uncle.

He's you know, that friend of the

family who's at the house all the time,

and you got to call him uncle.

Sh*t, I got actual uncles who get

jealous when they hear me call him uncle.

It's too late, Dom, it's already in motion.

F***.

I can't believe you just broke into song.

Hey, I'm just trying

to show you what's what.

Yeah.

I wanna be able to move

him if we need to move him.

Move him if you wanna move him, you say?

Achoo.

Did you just sneeze?

It sounded like you said,

"achoo" but you didn't sneeze.

Yeah, that's the way I sneeze.

Achoo.

- Bless you.

- Thank you.

Okay, look.

We got to keep a closer

eye on Legucci, all right?

We're hired to protect him, we

can't let this get away from us.

I understand. Sometimes a

man's gotta trust his instincts

like a cat on a summer sprinkler.

What language are you speaking?

I don't understand.

Look, let's just make

everyone's life a lot easier.

You keep a closer eye on Legucci.

No problem.

Achoo.

Bless you.

But, you know, this is like

my first or second time being up

here, trying this whole comedy thing.

I used to make fun of people,

who used to go out in the audience

and be like, pick somebody

from, I mean that's not comedy.

I figured I gotta tell jokes,

I gotta start learning how to tell stories.

So I'm gonna try some jokes on you guys.

You guys like blond jokes?

What's the first thing a blond girl

says when she wakes up in the morning?

"Which one of you guys taking me home?"

A blond girl is driving to the beach,

she sees a sign that says, "Beach Left",

she makes U-turn and goes home.

These blond girls are unbelievable.

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