A Stand Up Guy Page #6

Yeah, so this blond girl

is driving down the highway,

she cuts off some guy,

and the guy pulls up next

to her and says, "Pull Over".

She pulls the car over, he's

like, "Step out of the vehicle",

takes a pencil, draws a circle, says,

"Stay in the circle, don't move".

She's standing there, he turns

around, takes a baseball bat,

and starts breaking all

her windows, boom, boom.

He turns around, the girl's on

the floor, laughing, ha-ha-ha.

He's like, "What's so funny?"

Takes a match, lights her

car, blows the sh*t up.

Turns around, the girl's

dying on the floor, laughing.

He goes, "Are you stupid or

something, what's so funny?"

She goes, "I'm stupid? Every time you

turned around, I went outside the circle."

'Cause you just don't

seem like a bad guy to me.

It's my smile.

It's been throwing people off for years.

You should've seen my first mugshot.

Looks like I won the lotto.

Can you just be serious, for once?

I'm gonna take this.

Hello.

Derek.

When Hashem grants you a gift,

you gotta go with it.

So get ready to curl over, throw

up and start getting nervous,

'cause you got The Show.

- Bob?

- Yeah, who else?

I don't know, anyone but Bob.

Bubbale, you got The Show.

It's a lock, I sent them

the video and they loved it.

We got dates.

Bob, you're f***ing up my life, seriously.

It's a opportunity of a lifetime.

Comics' careers are made

by doing The Show.

Look, I appreciate it, I really do.

But I can't do it.

I'm gonna let that marinate.

All right, marinate.

I can't do it. I appreciate it.

Look, thank you, but, no, thank you.

Great, I'll call you

tomorrow. We'll close the deal.

Hello, hello.

What did he say?

I'm telling you, it's

all in your head, bro.

I mean, why not try finding a

girl who doesn't make you nuts?

They're out there, you know.

My gut's telling me she's got

her hand on another man right now.

Both hands.

You just gel your hair?

I put a little spritz in it.

Trying something new.

That's good.

Thanks.

Uh, here come this f***ing train-wreck.

How you doing, Marshall?

I have a drinking problem and a

crush on a South American prostitute.

How does it look like I'm doing?

It's all there.

Here you go, this is where

he spends most of his time.

How's he doing? Sammy?

You know, I've been at

this job almost 20 years,

and I've never seen ingratiate

themselves in a community so quickly.

The guy found his calling.

Gotta give it to him for that, right?

We'll give it to him, all right.

Yeah, well, he's close. So it

should be over pretty quickly.

Good.

We'll give the other

20 when the job is done.

Then I will see you boys soon.

These big city Marshalls are

always on the verge of something,

always on the verge of

corruption, I don't know.

It's just more confusion than a

crossword puzzle on a blind man's Tuesday.

- Achoo.

- Bless you.

Thank you, sweetie. Achoo.

- Bless you.

- Thank you, babe.

Well, why don't you check

the Marshall's records?

You know, find out if he's made any

calls to the New York area recently,

and if so, to who.

That's a good idea.

I was gonna do it myself but that's

a strong idea nonetheless, sweetie.

I'm just trying to help. Right,

Rex? Mommy just wants to help out.

Right.

Rex, did you brush

those teeth this morning?

No, I took a break from the brush.

Needs a break from the brush.

That Marshall's a real piece of work, huh?

Yeah, like he's had 20 years of bad luck.

Someone else is gonna

see some bad luck today.

Can I help you?

We're looking for a friend of ours.

We hear he's inside.

Only friends here are mine.

Back up, Earl.

Yeah, I'll back up, but I'm

right here if you need me.

I'm a day drinker, boys.

I do my nighttime sh*t during the daytime.

Let's dance.

No, where the f*** is he?

I sense your confidence

from your puffed out chest

and your wonderful hair.

But we don't know your friend.

We don't make new friends.

That long list is closed.

Yeah.

Maybe this will help.

Oh, no.

You can check inside if you would like.

Go right on ahead.

You got great taste in hair.

But this ain't over.

Let's go.

F***ing guy sends us

right into a clubhouse?

Time to pay the Marshall a visit.

We can stay here if you need us to.

I don't really like slumber parties

with dudes and I didn't bring my pajamas,

but I can see you're very, very scared.

I think the guns and the hatchet shook

'em up for a little while, though.

How the hell did they find me?

I'm in Wisconsin.

Hmm.

- Most specially considering how teeny tiny you are.

- I'm 5'7".

I think that's a little bit of a lie.

5' 6 and a half.

I think you're still lying to yourself.

5'6", honestly.

Just let it go.

Maybe like 5'4".

And you're all over the internet.

Hey, this is Mike Stevens,

welcome back to 106.5 WKTU.

Some local gossip news here,

we hear that local comedian and

internet sensation, Derek Hesh

will be announcing that he is

going on the Ian Cams show.

It's all going down tonight

at the Corner Parks.

Stay tuned to win tickets this week

and it only shoots two

hours away in Grand Rapids.

I tried to eat puppet p*ssy

and I got splinters in my teeth.

All right, that's enough, we have to go.

Fine, fine.

Ruined my p*ssy and my night.

Let's just get there so we can

all feel bad about our lives.

That's a good idea.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the man responsible for

the success of this place,

and he's doing The Show, Derek Hesh.

Whoo! Oh!

You know, the first time I came up

here, I didn't know what I was doing.

I was just speaking my mind,

and you guys laughed.

And it made me feel really, really good.

But, unfortunately,

this is the end for me.

I can't do The Show.

Derek Hesh is not even my name.

Derek Hesh is the name

the government gave me.

My name is Sammy Legucci.

I'm a small-time gangster from Brooklyn

and I decided to testify

against my best friends.

The government put me here

so they can protect me.

They're not really doing a great job.

You don't know these guys.

Hold on here, excuse me.

Hold on, excuse me.

Excuse me, Derek or Sammy

or whatever your name is,

can you just sit down?

I have something to say.

Sit down.

You awakened the people of this town.

I lost my wife,

the love of my life,

the woman that meant everything to me.

Sure, I lost her

few blocks away

to claw out the berry farmer.

What the hell, sh*t happens.

The point is,

you gave me an outlet.

So, thank you.

Me too.

Sh*t.

I'm famous 'cause of you, bro.

My name is Clint Morris.

And

most of you f***ing people know me 'cause you

probably drove me home when I was drunk.

But, guess what, that ain't me now.

Okay?

I saw that video

and I saw that anger that got the

best of me and I f***ing cried.

I cried.

For the first time in my life.

And I don't know what you...

If you people f***ing know what 35

years of pent up tears looks like,

I'll tell you.

It's like both my eyes

were going to the bathroom.

Each eye, individually,

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