A Stand Up Guy Page #7

just f***ing pissing.

F***...

One time in third grade,

an unfortunate young man

made the costly mistake of calling

me stupid while I was giving a speech,

and so, I chewed his nose

and pushed him off a bridge.

I took care of that.

But I digress.

You know, I've never

seen my sister so happy.

Used to seeing her in bad

relationship after bad relationship

after bad relationship.

Usually had to step in

and hit people very hard.

So I don't really care

what your real name is,

or what you did in your past,

or even how tall you are.

I just know that

you make her really happy

and, um, her being happy

really means a lot to me, so...

So I say if you wanna go do The

Show then just go f***ing do it.

Iron Badgers got your back.

Let's do it.

You guys like Italian food?

I like Italian Food, I went to an Italian

restaurant in this town, unbelievable.

I walk in,

waitress come over, she gives me a menu.

I'm like, "Excuse me, how

is the penne pasta here?"

She goes, "It's $21."

I go,

"Who asked you? How is it?"

She's like, "I don't know,

nobody ever orders it, it's $21."

Difference is, where I come from,

you go to an Italian

restaurant for an experience.

It's a real experience, you walk in,

guy named Joey walks over,

he's like, "How you doing?"

You good?", "Good, I'm good."

"Yeah, sit down, what, you hungry?"

"Yeah, I was thinking

maybe we'll have pasta."

"You want pasta? Frankie!

Let's get this guy some meatballs,

let's get him some penne, let's get his

some spaghetti, let's get him some pasta.

What are you drinking?

"Maybe a glass of wine."

"Give him a bottle of wine."

I'm eating, I'm drinking, it's

the best experience of my life,

then I ask him the bill. Guy goes,

"Bill? We don't have a bill here.

I mean, what did you have?"

"Had some pasta, some wine."

"Give me $300, we're good."

$300, unbelievable.

You guys like Jewish jokes?

Anybody wanna hear Jewish jokes?

One day, outside of a church,

there's two guys standing there.

One guys is holding a sign that

says, "I'm Jewish, please help."

Right next to him, another guy is standing,

says, "I'm Catholic, please help."

People coming out of church,

they see these two guys,

everybody is walking over to the Catholic,

obviously, it's outside of a church,

start giving him money.

This goes on for weeks.

The more times, they see this guy

holding the sign, that says, "I'm Jewish",

they go to the Catholic guy, they

give him more money, more money.

One day the priest comes out.

Walks over to the guy with

the sign, "I'm Jewish",

says, "Listen, I'm gonna help you out,

you know, there's a

synagogue down the block,

I think if you stand there,

you'll make more money,

you obviously see people giving money

to the guy with the "Catholic" sign.

The guy looks at the priest, then looks at

the guy with the "Catholic" sign and goes,

"Jaco, they're trying to

teach us how to make money."

Jews, they're the best.

I'm sure I'm fine, just let

me speak to her for a minute.

For what? ...for what? Sammy?

Listen, I just want to

hear her voice, okay?

God forbid, something happens,

I just want to hear her voice.

Can you please put her on the

phone, Maria, just one second?

Okay, Sammy.

Don't let her down.

We'll be watching.

Nothing is gonna happen to you.

Okay? Nothing.

You were never in any trouble,

these rednecks aren't gonna

pull the trigger on you.

We know that.

We just wanted to thank

you for getting us close.

Seriously.

You're gonna get the rest of your money.

Well, that is much appreciated.

My hooker's got me in couple's therapy.

Whatever.

You could've gotten us

f***ing killed out there.

Killed? What? Would you relax?

No one's getting killed on my watch.

I've been doing this for 23 years...

Enough.

No wonder this guy's paying

for p*ssy, won't shut up.

What the f***, Sal? In the car?

I'm sorry, I'll clean it up.

I'm on edge.

Lorie hasn't responded in 13 hours,

except for two or three Ks and

"Of course, I still like you."

I mean, I'm literally,

losing my mind at this point.

Sal, you killed a US Marshall, bro...

Dude, she's got three

new likes on her page,

from guys that I've never even seen before.

- You're f***ing unstable.

- You're telling me.

She posted two pictures

of herself in lingerie.

I mean, what the f***?

You girl posts lingerie

pictures on Facebook?

Yeah, she says, if I can model, so can she.

But you don't even f***ing model.

Come on, man, where's the support, huh?

I'm working on my look book.

Oh, shut the f*** up, come on.

My God, this motherf***er's heavy.

Oh, God.

I'm Special Agent Nicholas. Can we talk?

And you think the Marshall

is calling the shots?

Yes, I do. He had a sleepy

disposition about him.

And I've been working off gut

instinct and cornbread for 20 years.

Okay, I got an inkling stronger

than a redneck with a pale wife.

Look, these are serious allegations, Colin.

Are those words coming out of your mouth?

There hasn't been a corrupt

Marshall mob connection since 1977.

I understand.

I understand but I'm surer than a week

old toast in the kitchen of cougar.

Look, my husband has a gift.

He told he thought that my

daddy was cheating on my mommy,

two weeks later, they filed for divorce.

Daddy had a lover.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Did you know the other woman or?

A woman? No, he left her for a 26

year old firefighter named Brick.

- Big son of a b*tch.

- Oh, yeah.

Then I'll make the call.

Man didn't ask you to

a Walker Texas, buddy.

Go make the call.

Why you looking at my wife funny?

No, I wasn't looking at your wife funny?

I just feel bad about Brick.

I truly have never cared less

about what one man has said to me.

Unlike your physical presence,

your fear's very, very tall.

But it doesn't need to be.

We're gonna get to the

place, assess the situation,

and make sure you're protected.

I hope the motherf***er does try some sh*t.

- No, you don't.

- No, I don't.

Okay, everything's going to be fine.

We are going to go there,

you're going to be amazing,

and then, we're gonna come home.

Because I have way too

many plans for us, okay?

You know what god says about plans, right?

You don't know?

Hey,

I wanted to say something

to you up on that stage.

Oh, yeah, what would you have said?

I would've said that you have

made my life so much better.

You know, regardless of what

happens between us, it's...

just true.

Did I really?

I mean, if we really break it down,

did I make your life that much better?

- I mean, there was the whole lie.

- Hmm.

- The criminal past.

- Hmm.

Can you just shut up for one second?

Yeah.

All right, let's introduce

Derek Hesh to the world.

It had to be done.

For this, you two are gonna get

a bump when you get back, Sal.

You and Dom both.

We got big plans for you.

We appreciate that, Pat.

Of course.

What am I, an animal?

Call me when it's done.

You wanna know the truth?

Please, enlighten me.

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