A Stand Up Guy Page #8

I'm going to hit you with the truth.

When a girl says "K", she

don't give a f*** about you.

And when she says, "I like

you", it's not code for love.

She f***ing likes you, likes, that's it.

And she goes silent at 9:00 pm.,

there's a 99 percent chance

she's f***ing somebody else.

You are crossing a line, Dom.

You are really crossing a f***ing line!

Sammy sh*t on every dream

I ever had, you know that.

Dude, the kid liked to bust balls is all.

Not for nothing, Sal, modeling thing,

little out there.

I'm uncomfortably handsome

in certain circles.

- What circles?

- Circles!

Anyway, f*** Sam. He's a rat.

- He's a rat?

- Yeah, he's a rat.

Everyone's a f***ing rat.

For all we know, it was

Pat that dimmed on us.

I mean, that motherf***er's

got Intel on everyone.

He knows where Sammy was living,

what he was doing, where he was going,

who the f*** knows anymore?

It is what it is, Dom.

F*** that overused phrase.

Lorie loved that saying.

I gotta take this.

Hello.

They said Derek Hesh is performing,

they didn't even have a picture of you.

Yeah, they don't do that all the time.

Oh, my God, I swear to God, Sam Legucci,

if you're not on the TV tonight...

Calm down, okay.

Put Maddy on the phone, please.

Fine, honey,

your father.

- Daddy?

- Hey, baby.

Daddy, you don't have to be

nervous, you're gonna be great.

I know, listen, Maddy.

No matter what happens tonight,

I just want you to know that I love you

more than anything in the

whole world, okay, honey?

What do you mean? It's gonna be great.

I know.

Can you put your mom back on the phone?

I love you, Maddy.

We're gonna be watching, Sammy Legucci.

I hope you know what you're doing.

Me too.

There must've been love

there at some point.

I will call more like

a strong, strong like.

Okay, so what's with this Derek Hesh?

Uh, million hits, kid's blowing up,

I mean, this show is

really lucky to have him.

Okay, I've heard of Chappelle. I've

heard of Attell, I've heard of Rock.

I've never heard of Hesh.

Well, you will after tonight.

Didn't I tell you we'd get you here?

Thanks, Manny.

Hey,

I know it's hard for you

to understand our world,

this is what we do.

Now go knock 'em dead.

"Knock 'em dead?"

What do you mean, "A special feed"?

It's welcometotheshow.tv, and we

can watch live all their taping.

We're gonna see Daddy on

TV, it's gonna be great.

That would be great, honey.

Mom, you should give

him a break, he's trying.

What more can you ask for?

And he's famous.

He's famous.

- Let's do it?

- Great. Mm-hmm.

You know this is amazing, right?

You get to have your moment.

Not everybody gets to have their moment.

Hmm.

I'll see you when it's over.

Well, if it isn't Don f***ing Rickles.

- Don't f***ing move.

- Don't you f***ing move.

You, get out of the bed

slowly, face the wall.

I'm so sick of your f***ing whining.

Dom,

what the f***?

Oh, my God.

Dom, I got some guys with me.

They can hide you out, come with me.

No, bro.

You do your thing, Sammy.

You're f***ing talented.

I'm proud of you, bro.

I always loved you, Dom.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

- Kill it.

- Excuse me.

You're on in five minutes.

I'm so sorry.

What's going on out here?

I just ran into some old friends.

Okay, let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the show,

we are happy to have him,

give it up, you guys,

for the very funny, the

hilarious, Derek Hesh.

Thank you very much, thank you.

First, I'd like to start by

saying hello to my daughter.

Maddy, look at this,

your father figured out a way to

get on TV with absolutely no talent.

I'm obviously not the first one.

Um...

But first, I'd like to

set the record straight.

My name is actually not Derek Hesh.

No, my name is Sammy Legucci,

and I'm from Brooklyn, New York.

That's right.

Thank you.

Um, you know, I didn't

Google this or anything

but I'm pretty sure I'm the first

comedian in the history of comedy

to be doing The Show while

still in the Witness Protection Program.

Yeah, the Program's got a new thing

they're trying, they throw you on TV,

and just hope for the best.

Uh, but the truth is,

having a loudmouth comment for everything

is actually not a bad

way to get into comedy.

I mean, I've been in the

program for, like, a month now,

I must've offended the whole town.

Um...

But to figure out how I got here,

we got to start with my

family, ha, my family.

My dad,

last thing he said to me

before he left, he was like,

"Son, you're the man

of the house now."

I'm thinking to myself, "I'm seven."

He was a bank robber.

Not a good one, we never had any money.

The guy was unbelievable,

the guy was unbelievable.

I mean, the last time I saw him,

he went out for a carton of milk,

the next time I saw him, he

was on the carton of milk.

I mean, he kept sending

me pictures of himself.

Always wearing the same

thing, an orange jumpsuit.

I just thought he liked

Halloween, what do I know, right?

But, you know, I made a promise to

myself, I would never be like him,

no, siree, I would never be like him,

But I figured life's

a gamble, right?

I mean, I made it all

the way here on a bet.

So you know what, from now on,

I'm gonna bet on myself.

That's right, I'm gonna

bet on Sammy Legucci.

I appreciate your time, thank you

very much, thank you, thank you.

Maddy, I love you so

much, I'll see you soon.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

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