A Touch of Class Page #6

It would've cost seven pesetas.

You could've won that from your caddie.

Oh, yeah?

I've had a bellyful

of your chicken-sh*t innuendos...

...your snotty insults,

and your smart-assed needling.

Get stuffed, you big schmuck.

Listen to Princess Grace, here.

Bertha Ball-Buster.

You're as tender,

sweet and feminine as Attila the Hun.

- Well, you should know.

- You should have a uniform and a whistle.

You direct traffic in bed, out of bed,

on the phone, in the car.

Talk about penis envy. You invented it.

- Now!

- Now.

Don't break the lamp!

You typical American!

Is this a way to treat a hotel?

Don't do it!

Thank you very much. Good night.

- Now, Mr. Know-All!

- Okay.

For God's sake. My chance to be raped,

you can't get your trousers off.

Isn't that Vickie and Steve?

- I guess they're getting together.

- I hope we haven't started something.

With Steve? Not a chance.

He's probably selling her a policy.

She just grabbed his arm.

What should she grab? She just met him.

Watch the bull.

Ol!

- Don't tell me they weren't holding hands.

- You're fantastic.

Two people reach for a peanut

at the same time, they're holding hands.

- You got a mind like a house detective.

- You should know.

Just pass me the potato chips.

After you've checked them for fingerprints.

Oh, boy.

"Got no pajamas with my monogram

"And just like Papa, I am what I am

"But she loves me

She told me she loved me last night

"Oh, last night, oh, yes

"She loves me

She told me so last night

"Oh, last night

"She loves me

She told me so last night"

- That's really awful.

- I thought it was beautiful.

- Were you in love when you wrote it?

- Yes. I was 18, in college.

- I was always in love. Weren't you?

- No.

- Even at 18?

- No.

When did you first fall in love?

- I didn't.

- What?

That blind, passionate, all-out

whatever-it-is you're supposed to feel...

...is something I have never felt.

Maybe I'm incapable.

I don't believe that.

Why not? After all, I'm your everyday

cold-assed, supercilious English woman.

I'm terribly sorry I said that.

Don't be. It warmed things up quite a bit.

It did? Well, I'm very pleased to hear that.

Mr. Blackburn.

- What is it?

- Your tickets to London are confirmed.

No. We don't leave until the 26th.

This is the 26th, seor. You leave at 5:00.

Thank you.

- Shall we take a swim?

- Yes, please.

Hey!

Look alive.

Ready when you are. Lights and camera.

All right.

- Action.

- Steve! Hey, Steve!

What's so important,

you have to crash in without calling?

Are you a dentist? I need an appointment?

It's business.

- There's nothing about your business...

- It's not my business.

It's too intelligent,

keeping my nose in my own business.

This is none of my business.

You and the lady.

- What are you talking about?

- The bullfight, the beach...

...the restaurant.

You could've taken out an ad.

What are we doing? Where you going?

Steve, I'm gonna tell you something.

How do you want it?

In front of her, here?

Or up there, all by ourselves?

Listen carefully, Steve.

I know what I'm talking about.

I'm one of the walking wounded.

It's true.

Even a schlep like me

gets a little action once in a while.

Most of it is tired quail

that fly south the next day.

But once, and only once,

did I hook into the real thing.

Happened in Malibu.

Oh, boy, was she something.

We had a great setup.

A shack on the beach. She cooked, I ate.

- What the hell, we dug each other.

- Do you know what a thrill this is?

To waste my last hours here

listening to the plot of your next dirty film?

This was for real, Steve.

And it was fantastic.

But then the guilt started tearing me apart.

- La cuenta.

- Wait a minute.

I went to a shrink five times a week

to hear the same questions.

"Do you love the girl? Sure, I do.

"Do you love your wife and kids?

Of course I love them.

"Would you give them up for the girl?

Hell, no.

"Would you give the girl up for them?

I can't. I love her."

$18,000 later, he came to the key question.

"Do you love her enough to give her up?"

That's the one that pinned me to the rack.

One cockamamie question

cost me $18,000.

And that doesn't include the Kleenex

I used up crying.

I didn't go back to the coast for five years.

By that time, she'd had twin boys...

...and a kidney-shaped pool, went

to Weight Watchers every Thursday night.

I've got to meet Patty and the boys.

We're going on some fakakta picnic.

That's all I need now, Spanish ants.

You two may be two ships that passed

in the night and scraped hulls for a week.

In which case, relax and enjoy.

I see.

Lots of luck, boy-chick.

He was right, your fat friend.

He was right.

He loved a girl enough to give her up.

But, my God, $18,000?

I could have told him for a lot less.

I'm not giving you up.

- What?

- I'm not giving you up. Look.

- I know I'm selfish and neurotic.

- And American.

American.

- Married.

- Married.

- Spoiled.

- Spoiled.

Which is precisely

why I'm not giving you up.

Why can't we get a little flat in Soho?

We'll see each other whenever we can.

And if you're worried

about breaking up a family, forget it.

There will be no families broken up.

You just have to take my word for it.

I think that Soho makes a lot of sense,

for both of us.

You can walk there.

I can take a taxi, the tube, or the 22 bus.

Vickie, what the hell have we got to lose?

And which part of Soho

did you have in mind?

- Do you like Chinese food?

- I love Chinese.

The reason I ask is,

there is a street called Macclesfield Street.

- Do you know it?

- To know it is to love it.

- You've had a flat there before.

- Many times.

- What's the flat number?

- 4D.

They're all named French.

- You think they're related?

- Only in price.

- Only in what?

- Price.

What do you think?

- It's not bad.

- No, it isn't, is it? Really.

- It's got distinct possibilities.

- Sure.

Oh, God.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- You moving into 4D?

- Yes, I am.

- I'm Dora French. I'm in 5D, just above.

- Hello.

If you get a bit busy...

Anything you can't handle,

know what I mean?

- I'd be most obliged.

- It would be my pleasure, certainly.

Yes.

- Thanks very much.

- Not at all.

- 'Bye.

- 'Bye.

This is the second day she's forgotten

her lunch box.

- Would you like some coffee, dear?

- No, I ate too much.

- Coq au vin was perfect.

- Thank you.

- I think I'm going to walk it off.

- Take Dilly with you.

- Dilly?

- Yeah, take him with you.

You think he should go out in the rain?

It stopped an hour ago.

Yeah. Right.

Dilly, come on.

Taxi!

- Hello.

- Hi.

Hi.

- Sorry about this.

- It's all right.

- Are we eating?

- That is what we arranged.

Oh, right.

- What are we having?

- Coq au vin. I hope you're hungry.

- I can always eat.

- Good.

- I'll just put Dilly down.

- Take your coat off.

- How did you manage to get away?

- Actually, I'm out walking the dog.

Goodbye, coq au vin.

Your sweater.

- Oh, God.

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