A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

Oh, ha, ha. Well,

I'll definitely be getting you that bicycle.

And I'll see what I can do about

your parents' ugly divorce, Caren.

All right. Merry Christmas!

- Who's next?

- Santa!

Kumar, no! Merry...

Back of the line, tech support!

- Is this a joke?

- Hold the f*** on.

Your son can rub his ass

on Santa's cock in a minute.

- What do you want for Christmas?

- That's a really good question.

- Snoopy Sno-cone Machine.

- Done.

- And a DeLorean.

- Yes.

Wu-Tang to get back together.

I'll tell the elves.

This is just for my stockings.

- For my present...

- Hey!

Meet me at my sleigh

in half an hour, okay?

You got it. Merry Christmas, Santa.

- Ooh. Bong.

- Oh!

Right in the sugar plums.

Okay. On the menu today, we have:

Winter Wonder Weed.

We have Rudolph

the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

Oh, it's a Weederful Life.

God, does everything have

to be about Christmas?

Hey, some people like the holidays.

I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from

Temple Shalom Immanuel cleaned me out.

What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout."

A little more expensive.

This is like Duvalier Dank from October.

- I'll take it.

- Oh. Hello, gentlemen.

Mm.

- Sh*t.

- What?

You have anything to smoke out of?

Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!

Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!

Ah, Mr. Lee? I'm here.

Wait...

...more protesters?

Do they really think we care

what poor people think?

Kenneth, it's Christmas.

They're out of work. You'd be upset too.

Let's see how you did

on your assignment.

I think I found the absolute best gift

for your father-in-law.

And, Mr. Lee, I think you're

gonna be really pleased.

Ow.

Oh, my God.

Hi.

This is a Sharp...

...52" Aquos Quattron TV...

...with state-of-the-art 3D technology...

...that makes Avatar look Avatar-ded.

I don't know. Hasn't the 3D thing

jumped the shark by now?

Mr. Lee, you don't understand.

This is the best 3D you've ever seen.

It's gonna be amazing!

Who are you looking at?

Mr. Lee!

Want me to call you a cab...

...a town car, a limo? It's not safe...

...out there.

- No, thanks, Kenneth.

I got a buddy picking me up.

One more thing!

Merry Christmas to you...

...Harold, and Happy New Year!

Hey, over there.

We got another one.

Don't worry, Mr. Lee. I'll distract them.

Hey...

...angry protesters!

I just got a huge Christmas bonus...

...so you can suck my rich, yellow...

...dick!

Get him!

Dude!

Open the door!

Unh. Thank God you're here.

I thought those hippies

were gonna kill you.

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo!

Just drive. Todd, drive.

No, no, no! No, no, no!

Oh, great.

Now we're getting tinkled on.

- It's just urine. It'll wash out.

- Oh, Harry.

Tinkle on the windshield

is the grossest thing...

...that has ever happened to me.

Ugh.

It smells like sh*t in here.

Hey...

...neighbor.

- Hey, man.

All right.

Check it. Remember that hot virgin

I met on the internet? Get this:

She wants me...

...to deflower her.

Tonight. Christmas Eve.

At a party she's throwing

in Manhattan. Best part:

- You're coming with me.

- No can do, man.

I gotta stay here and smoke this weed,

otherwise I won't get high.

Why not ask your roommate?

Because you're the best.

I don't wanna go with him.

I already asked him. He said no.

He's spending Christmas...

...with his stupid girlfriend.

Mm. This is what happens.

They get a girlfriend...

...then they get married...

...then you never hear from them again.

F*** it, I'm in.

Yes.

Wow, the Jewish neighbors

must hate this.

Well, Harry. Harry.

You have outdone yourself.

If you knew Maria's dad...

...you'd pull out all the stops too.

Has not accepted you

as part of the family?

No, not yet. But he's a huge fan of

Christmas. I'm hoping when he sees...

...all the work, he appreciates it.

Oh, so smart.

- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

Oh. Jinx.

You always do that.

You keep doing it. It's crazy.

Okay, I'll Skype you later or text you.

Or both.

Maria!

Oh, hi there.

Somebody's looking...

...uh, very merry today.

Somebody is also...

...ovulating.

Um...

Your dad is gonna be here any minute,

though. Honestly, that's...

- Baby. Then let's get to it.

- Oh!

Because when they get here...

...we are going to have no private time.

I don't know if we should.

Now, come on and f*** a baby into me.

Okay, I will.

Two-hander. Okay. Ha-ha-ha.

If it's a baby I gotta give you,

it's a baby you're gonna get.

Sh*t.

Go. Go.

Be cool.

Carlos, Merry Christmas.

Hello, Harold.

You made the drive in record time.

Didn't speed, did you?

Empanadas?

Where's Maria?

She's upstairs...

...getting ready.

Can I get you a beer?

What the hell is that?

She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha.

This is our Christmas tree.

Is it fake?

It's faux, actually.

You celebrating real Christmas...

...or a faux Christmas?

Real Christmas?

Daddy.

Daddy!

God.

I've missed you!

And the whole family...

...is here.

Hi...

...everybody!

Oh, God.

Oh. I guess Timo...

...made parole.

Uh, not exactly.

Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody!

You take it.

You people are real good

with those things.

It's just the weekend.

It's just the weekend.

Has this ever happened to you?

This stupid waffle's stuck.

Oh, my God! Billy!

- Heh-heh-heh.

- George, call 911!

This is f***ed up.

How about this?

Well, it doesn't have to anymore.

Introducing WaffleBot.

WaffleBot!

Just pop the top, let that batter drop...

...and WaffleBot does the rest.

Make every breakfast a Bot-fast.

Thanks, WaffleBot!

I love you.

Get the Christmas...

...toy of the season while they're hot.

I'm busy, Adrian! Go away!

Kumar! It's Vanessa.

Hey. Looks like somebody missed me.

Come on in.

Since when do you have a beard?

I actually have not shaved since you left.

Pretty romantic.

Kind of like Ryan Gosling

in The Notebook.

When's the last time you cleaned?

Like three months ago.

Less romantic?

Little bit, yeah.

I'm sorry, where are my manners?

Here. Here.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, I shouldn't.

Of course you should.

Kumar, I really need to talk to you.

I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant?

We...

We practiced safe sex.

I mean, I pulled out

and came on your back.

A couple squeaks got by...

...but is that all it takes?

- Yes.

That's all. No wonder

you flunked out of med school.

I didn't flunk out of med school.

I failed a drug test.

How do I even know...

...that the baby's mine?

I haven't slept with anyone

since we broke up.

Nice.

What do you want to do about it?

All right, um...

This is the part

where the kid's tongue...

...gets stuck to a pole. Ha, ha.

Oh. Ha, ha. I'm sorry.

Um, are we having a conversation right now,

or are you watching A Christmas Story?

Both. No.

- I mean...

- You know what? I knew you...

...couldn't handle this.

- I'm sorry.

I'm really high.

This is not about you being high.

This is about you being immature.

It's why I couldn't stay here anymore.

You are perfectly fine

creating a mess...

...but when it comes

to cleaning one up...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes