A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas Page #2

...you're MIA.

Give me a half hour...

...to sober up.

F***.

Dad, you good?

You need a drink or...? No? Okay.

- Maria. I love you.

- Ha, ha.

Glad your family's here.

I'm just wondering...

...how we're gonna deal with the Christmas

party with all these extra guests.

We'll make it work.

We have plenty of room.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I left my wallet upstairs. Thank you.

Harold.

Hey, speaking of guests...

...are you sure you don't

wanna invite Kumar?

Kumar? You kidding me?

I haven't seen that guy in years.

Kumar has been...

...your friend for a long time.

- It is perfectly normal.

People lose half their friends

every seven years.

It's not like I don't have friends.

- Todd? Yeah, he's a lot of fun.

- At least he doesn't...

...create a disaster everywhere he goes.

Ah, okay.

Rosetta Stone.

A lifesaver.

Be right there!

Harold? He hasn't lived here in so long.

Maybe we can...

Are you sure we have to...

...throw it out?

- This tree is a cancer.

We have to get rid of it

before it kills Christmas.

Very intense wording.

Wow! Oh, my God.

I can't believe you brought the tree.

Ha-ha-ha.

Am I missing something?

Every Christmas we use a tree

that Dad grew.

- Oh.

MR. PEREZ:
Twelve-foot Fraser fir.

Look at the branch distribution.

Oh, I see.

Hey, hey!

She's very delicate.

I've been growing her for eight years.

Eight years, wow. I never knew

Christmas trees were such a big deal.

Oh, God.

Not a big deal?

Let me tell you a story, Harold.

Growing up in Medelln...

...my family was too poor

to celebrate Christmas properly.

Every year I would pray to God:

"Please, let me wake up and find a big,

beautiful Christmas tree."

And every Christmas...

...I was heartbroken.

When my mother finally

moved me to America...

...she promised me we would have...

...a Christmas tree every Christmas

from then on.

But one week before that first Christmas,

while walking home from work...

...she was violently attacked...

...by a gang of Korean punks.

They stabbed her multiple times.

She bled to death.

So I guess...

...you could say, yes,

a Christmas tree is a big deal.

Oh, my God.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- I'm sorry.

Pepe! Where are the ornaments?

I don't know.

My eyes are all f***ed up.

You can't celebrate Christmas

with a naked tree! It's indecent!

Maria, forget about midnight Mass.

Tonight, we're decorating the tree.

Oh, Daddy, I wanted

to spend tonight in the city...

...with you guys.

Wait.

I got this.

I'll take care of the tree.

You have a family night in Manhattan.

No. No, no, no.

We brought the tree all the way down.

It has to look perfect

on Christmas morning.

Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what

you want and I'll take care of it.

When you come back,

the tree will be decorated.

This house, I promise you,

is gonna be perfect.

Oh, B-T-dub, the girl tonight?

Her name is Mary.

As in the Virgin Mary.

How great is that?

What did Vanessa do to suck...

...the life out of you...

...this afternoon?

I don't have anyone else to confide in.

I might as well tell you. Uh...

Vanessa's pregnan...

A queefer.

- What?

- I knew it.

I used to date this black chick,

she used to queef every time we had sex.

It was ridiculous.

I used to call her Queen Laqueefa.

When was the last time

you saw this guy?

- Two years ago.

- So...

...why are we dropping off this package?

You said this guy was a chode.

He is, all right? I just...

I don't want his sh*t in my place.

Sure this is the right address?

Whoa. Looks like your ex-boyf's

moving up in the world. Heh.

I guess.

I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna drop this off.

F***!

Kumar?

Hello, Harold.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- I was...

- How are you? Good to see you.

- Oh, hey.

- How you doing?

- Good to see you too. Good.

You got a package that came for you

at the apartment. So I was dropping it off.

Oh. Okay, cool.

You look terrific. You lose weight?

No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually.

This is a really nice house.

No. You know.

Do you want to come in for a drink...

...or something?

Um...

Christmas, Christmas

Do you not have time?

- Oh.

- Oh.

- Come in, come in. Come in. Come on.

- Sure.

Watch your step, it's icy there.

Eggnog? Empanadas?

Uh... Sure. Yeah.

Hey, this place is, like, not shitty.

Oh. Thank you. Yeah.

Bay window is brand-new, actually.

We just put that in last week.

The sconces are new.

Sconces are actually brand-new.

Yeah, I was gonna say, it looks like

you guys got some awesome sconces.

Thank you. That's very sweet of you.

So, what's up with this package?

My name and your address. That's weird.

I haven't lived there for so long.

I know. That's strange.

Whoa.

Ooh.

What the hell is this?

That's a gigantic joint.

What do you think?

Is this a joke?

- No. I swear.

- Did you do this?

Had I known, I would have smoked it.

Is there a...?

No return address.

I don't even see any stamps on this.

What are you doing?

Getting not low.

No smoking in this house.

What? What douche came up

with that rule?

This douche did.

That was good sh*t.

I don't care, okay?

I don't smoke anymore.

- What?

- I just felt...

...that a lot of times when I got high...

...things would go really wrong. So...

But, Harold, weed is so good.

It gets you high.

I got nothing against weed, okay?

Had plenty of fun times with weed.

But I'm an adult now.

And frankly, I'm kind of glad that

the craziness is behind me.

Do you smell something burning?

Oh, sh*t!

- Oh, sh*t.

- Sh*t.

Sh*t!

It's spreading. It's spreading!

Here.

Bah, bah, bah!

Not the throw pillows!

Seriously?

I did it anyway!

What the f***?!

Sh*t!

Maria's dad will kill me!

Stop yelling!

We gotta get rid of this tree!

Okay.

That's why you gotta buy those

faux trees. They last forever.

Calm down.

It's just a Christmas tree.

"Just a Christmas tree"?

Maria's dad grew that tree...

...and now it is dead.

Koreans have killed his mother,

and now this tree. Christmas is ruined.

Christmas isn't ruined.

Yes, it is. You have ruined Christmas.

They're gonna come home from Mass

and expect to see...

...a decorated tree,

but they are gonna see that.

Dude, you're overreacting.

There's plenty of tree lots.

We'll drive around

till we find the right tree.

We're not gonna do anything.

You know what? Um, this is my fault.

I take full responsibility.

Please leave.

I will take care of this. Thank you.

- I don't mind helping out...

- I got it.

- We have a van...

- I got it.

Okay. You got it.

- You need anything, just give me...

- Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Harold.

What the f*** took so long?

Nothing. Let's just go.

You never told me Harold was Asian.

I always pictured an old white guy.

Freeze! This is a robbery.

Give me all your friendship.

Oh, wow, look at that.

You know, it's kind of better

than a window.

It's like a stained-glass

window of paper.

Any luck with the tree?

- Oh, you brought Ava.

- Uh, yeah, sorry. I have Ava.

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