A Very Sordid Wedding

1

[church-style piano music plays]

[top clinking on the ground]

["Bridal Chorus" plays]

Oh, I think she's so pretty.

Wardell.

I love you.

["Bridal Chorus" continues]

[dramatic chord]

Well, I guess you didn't

think I was gonna make it,

did you, Earl?

[Earl yelps] Oh, Lord! Help me, help me!

F*** me, Earl! F*** me now!

[Earl] I can't, I can't, I can't.

You f***ing dog, Earl.

- F*** me now!

- [Earl screaming]

[screams]

Go to sleep. [crying]

Save me.

Make all the ugly in the world go away.

Save me.

["Sordid Lives" playing]

Now who's to judge?

Who's a saint?

And who's a sinner?

Lord, it's tough

enough To trudge

From brunch to dinner

Well, we seek The

light of truth

Between our white lies

And we sleep away Our youth

Under tattletale skies

Now who's to say

Who's a sinner

And who's a saint?

Who's to say who you Can

love and who you can't

Well, it's easy for the pot

To call the kettle black

They're just jealous

Of the hot and lusty

Sordid lives they led

Ain't it a b*tch

Sortin' out Our sordid lives

It's a b*tch

When you come to realize

Get yourself a box

Of Cracker Jacks

Then you can get A

really shitty prize

It's a b*tch

Sortin' out Our sordid lives

Now we struggled

Comin' down the chute

To take our first breath

And we struggle

For acceptance

From our birth To our death

But the Lord's

Too busy tryin'

To keep the world

On it's feet

He ain't got time

To give a damn about

What goes on

Between your sheets

Ain't it a b*tch

Sortin' out Our sordid lives

It's a b*tch

When you come to realize

Get yourself a box

Of Cracker Jacks

And you can get A

really shitty prize

It's a b*tch

Sortin' out Our sorry little

Sordid lives

[TV Narrator] Because

of the hoarding,

Brenda has not let anyone in...

Oh, my word. LaVonda, get in here.

You are not gonna believe

this hoarder's house.

I can't, I am late for my

hospital visitation duties.

And I am takin' Noleta

with me to see her mama.

Noleta, we gotta skedaddle!

I can't find my ponytail!

I wonder why.

Brenda's house makes

Noleta's trailer look tidy.

Collects dolls because her daughter drowned

when Brenda was passed out drunk.

Tragic.

You know, I am just glad to see you back

in front of that TV.

You've had your nose stuck in the Bible

for the last few months.

You done?

Mm, almost, I had to take a break.

Revelation scares the dickens out of me.

Barely slept last night.

I just do not know what

possessed you to read

the entire Bible cover to cover.

I think I'd kill myself.

Well, with Ty and Kyle flittin'

from one state to another

gettin' gay married and, coupled with that

Supreme Court decision,

and now what's goin' on

down at the church house, I just needed

to figure out some things for myself.

Seems to me if David can

have Bathsheba's husband

killed in battle,

so he can marry that adulteratin',

pregnant tramp,

to add to his sh*t ton of other wives,

our nephew can marry the

one man that he loves.

You're bein' too hard on Bathsheba.

David used his position as

king to have his way with her.

Do not blame the victim.

How is Noleta's mama?

Tests still pending.

They've narrowed it down

to either stomach cancer

or a severe case of ptomaine,

which she might have gotten

from her very own leftover tuna casserole,

which she left out all night.

Ooh, in this heat.

Mm, then she ate it for

breakfast. [laughing]

Shoo, Hortense knows better than that.

It's summer, and who eats

tuna casserole for breakfast?

Hortense.

Can I borrow a pack of

cigarettes? I'm runnin' low.

Yes, but you pay me back this time.

They're so high now, it

ought to make us all quit.

I'm gonna pray Hortense has ptomaine

instead of stomach cancer.

I can't find my ponytail.

You wanna borrow one

of my Raquel Welch wigs?

No, that's all right,

I'll just rethink my look

on my way over to visit Mama.

You wouldn't have that

problem if you'd just

chose a look and stick to it.

That's right, me and Sissy's hair has

stood still for decades.

- [shushes]

- We interrupt this program

to bring you the very latest

on a developing story.

We have confirmed that

convicted serial killer

Billy Joe Dobson...

Sweet baby Jesus, he's that serial killer

from over in Longview,

who picked up hitchhikers

and killed 'em by conkin' 'em on the head

with a sledgehammer he stole while workin'

at a meat packin' plant

right over in Tyler.

He is so hot.

I guess I won't be

hitchhikin' anytime soon,

or I'll end up in the graveyard.

I might.

Well, Mama, it's been

17 years since you died.

The day you caused so much

chaos and all hell broke loose.

My son came out as gay right

in front of your coffin.

And is now legally married to a black man.

Thanks to the U.S. Supreme Court.

I'll give you a moment to

roll over in your grave.

Oh, Mama,

so much has happened.

Wilson left me.

Took my credit cards...

my beautiful home.

I had to move into a

1,700-square-foot house,

back here in Winters, Texas, where there's

a constant parade of crazy

dancin' in the street.

[jukebox music playing]

You done me wrong So

I'm doing you right

You'll find your bags

Out on the porch tonight

Don't try to give that

Same song and dance, yeah

I have had enough and you've

Had your last chance...

Oh, Peggy, Peggy, Peggy.

17 years ago, these

sumbitches...[hand slapping]

...killed the love of my life.

Well, now technically,

it wasn't them sumbitches,

G.W., remember?

Noleta burnt up them wooden

legs that killed Peggy.

I know that, you idiot.

You don't have to get nasty.

Hey, look on the bright side.

At least you once had a wife,

and a mistress.

Some of us ain't never found love.

Maybe it's 'cause no one wants you, Odell.

[laughing] You got that right.

Goddamn it, half-wit.

I was struck by lightning,

that's why I'm a little slow.

Made you smarter, in my opinion.

[G.W. laughing]

Princess Margaret was

Queen Elizabeth's sister

and her former

daughter-in-law,

Sarah Ferguson, is a duchess.

And Prince Charles had a mistress,

Camilla Parker Bowles.

And that's what killed Diana.

Well, that's good to know, Juanita.

Well, I ain't never seen any

love in your life neither.

Me and LaVonda had a good

thing goin' at one time.

Yeah, till she dumped your

ass, like, a million years ago.

Victory, that's a new one

I made up just right now.

"V", for victory, you see. [laughing]

Looks like a big hairless vagina to me.

I don't like that.

I got somethin' that'll

make you feel better, G.W.

A bullet through my head?

No, I'm puttin' back

together that 15-year tribute

for Peggy that was suppose

to have two years ago.

Got derailed by that hail storm and Odell

gettin' struck by lightning.

And then last year, Juanita

went missin' for two days.

Did you find me?

You got locked in the storage closet,

passed out drunk from

tryin' each and every one

of my liquors in there.

[laughing] Good times.

I never should have tried

to catch them hail balls

in my mouth, like peanuts.

Rate this script:4.5 / 2 votes