A Very Sordid Wedding Page #2

Error in judgment.

We'll just make it a 17-year anniversary.

We can get together and

sing Peggy's favorite hymns

just like the good old days.

How's it gonna be like the good old days

when the love of my life,

Peggy, is six feet under?

You can't kill love, G.W.,

but love can kill you.

And you don't want that.

Did she just make sense?

Well, even a blind hog finds

an acorn every now and then.

Come to me, Tammy. I need you.

Why don't you ever come to me anymore?

Well, sh*t, she ain't a-comin'.

I'm gonna call my Aunt Sissy.

[Woman On TV] No, no,

no, no [crying]...

Oh, bless her heart.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

[Earl] Hi, Sissy.

Oh, well, hello Brother

Boy, how are you, hun?

Oh, Sissy, I've been

havin' this dream.

My fantasies of Wardell

and I gettin' married

have started up again.

But it was a beautiful wedding,

and you were a bridesmaid.

Oh, thanks for askin' me.

It was a dream, Sissy.

But then, the dream turns

into an awful, awful nightmare.

And the wedding becomes Mama's funeral.

But Doctor Eve, you remember

that mean old store-bought

big-titty doctor who was

tryin' to de-homosexualize me

at the loony bin?

I do indeed, I did not care for her.

Yeah, well, Doctor Eve is

in Mama's coffin, not Mama.

And she tries to get him to well, to fu...

To have carnal relations with me.

Right there in the church house?

[Earl] Yes, in Mama's coffin.

It was so frightening.

You do know what today's

date is, don't you?

Thursday.

Ah, Mama's death date.

She died 17 years ago.

She's haunting me because, Sissy, she never

wanted me to be happy.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus, how time flies.

Seems like just yesterday

that Peggy tripped over

them wooden legs and hit her

head on that nasty old sink

at the Galaxy Motel

while havin' that affair

with G.W. Nethercott.

[phone line ringing]

[Latrelle] Hello, sweet boy.

Hey, Mama, I'm callin' you from Dallas.

Dallas, you're so close.

Did you finish your, um,

marriage tour thingamajig?

Yes, ma'am, this last

part is what I like to call

the "weeping and gnashing

of teeth" part of the tour.

Uh-huh, well, y'all sure

did get a lot of press.

That was the point.

Yes, great for your cause,

not always easy on

mothers in Winters, Texas.

Well, I'm sorry that

exposing bigotry has caused

you such grief, Mama.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'm used to being gossiped about by now,

but how come you're in Dallas

and I'm just now findin' out?

Kyle's up for a big job at

Mitchell Gold, Bob Williams,

head design associate.

And he gets to choose

between Dallas and Atlanta.

Oh, choose Dallas.

I could come up there and shop.

Kyle gets family discounts, right?

I need a new chaise, in taupe.

We'll get right on that.

And you can visit Winters often.

Yes that would be, just horrible.

Although, maybe we could make

Texas number 50, in Winters.

And you could throw us our wedding,

that would certainly

get lots of attention.

Oh, aren't these flowers pretty?

It's your nan-aunt's death date.

I'm in the cemetery as we speak.

I wish you were here but,

you'll always find a reason

not to visit Winters.

I just gave you a reason

for me to come home

and you changed the subject.

Oh, let's not fight, Ty.

You know I love you, I do,

and I'm really happy that you and Kyle

have found each other. I just, well,

it's just not exactly

the kind of wedding

that I always envisioned.

Me neither, because I never

thought it was possible,

because I was taught by you,

- and everybody else...

- [fingers snapping]

Okay, you're right, you're

right, let's change the subject,

um, 'cause I've been saving

the big news, and I mean big.

Hey, Latrelle, what would

you prefer to be called:

grandma, me-ma, nana,

or my personal favorite,

because you're so glamorous, glama?

Wait, what? Are you all...?

Yes, our surrogate just

finished her first trimester

and we wanted to wait,

you know, just to be sure,

but you are going to be a glama of twins.

[Latrelle screaming]

[laughing] She's screaming.

Good to see you, Mitchell.

I gotta go, Mom. Boss man just arrived.

Hey, Mitchell. Bye, Mom.

Oh, welcome. Good to see you guys.

- You too.

- Come on back, let's talk.

So I saw all the press

on the recent weddings.

Perfect media attention.

Faith in America. Great

job, Ty, that was incredible.

And you, Kyle, what's it

gonna be, Dallas or Atlanta?

- [sirens blaring]

- [grunting and coughing]

I don't speak. I don't speak

gruntin', Aunt Little Neecy.

[phone ringtone playing]

Oh, hello there, Brother Boy.

LaVonda, I need your help.

My talents are being wasted here in

Long-f***ing-view,

Texas.

I need you to rescue me.

Uh-huh, well, did you hear

that the hitchhiker murderer

has escaped the pen?

He is from Longview, you know.

And he's killed people

all over that area.

Had sex with those he murdered.

He's suppose to be executed next week.

LaVonda, please, you

know I frighten easily.

I'm fragile as a little baby kitten.

And Mama's ghost is hauntin' me!

It's not the good hauntin'

like when Tammy comes to me.

It's the bad hauntin'.

And they've made, LaVonda,

this new drag queen

head of the show, and

she has me on probation.

She's sayin' that I have to give up Tammy.

I have to give up Loretta,

and I have to give up Dolly.

I'll have no show.

- My new show is called...

- [Neecy grunting]

...We Three Queens of Opry Are.

I mean, who am I

suppose to do, LaVonda?

Carrie Underwood? Her kind

of Christianity frightens me.

I mean, one minute she's asking for Jesus

to please take the wheel,

and then the next minute

she's beatin' out the

headlights of her cheatin'

ex-boyfriend's truck.

What about the other one?

Am I suppose to do her?

The little fleshy, the real sweet one,

married to Blake Shelton.

Miranda Lambert. They're gettin' divorced,

and she's lost weight.

Well, I hadn't, I'm big as

Dallas and half of Fort Worth.

I look like my water is about to break.

And I can't pull off

them young ones, LaVonda.

I mean, you can just dim the lights so low

and then you're in the dark.

I need you to come get me.

Can you borrow Wardell's truck?

And move me up to Dallas

where opportunity is rampant?

I heard about this bar

LaVonda, called the Rose Room.

Seats 500 people.

I need that kind of appreciation.

LaVonda, I need that kind of applause.

I need so much, LaVonda.

I need my precious princess...

Tammy! [crying]

[hammer pounding]

[Mrs. Barnes humming]

Yoo-hoo!

Mrs. Barnes.

Oh, oh.

Hello, Latrelle.

Well, you've gotta meet the new preacher.

Jimmy Ray! Jimmy Ray, hey!

Jimmy Ray Brewton, he's my nephew,

and he's gonna carry

on now that Cecil has...

has gone on to glory to meet Jesus.

Jimmy Ray, this is Latrelle Williamson.

She's the one I told

you about with the son.

Well, the Good Lord sure did bless you

with beauty, Latrelle.

- Oh. [laughing]

- Did indeed.

Well, now, thank you.

I have a question.

Now that marriage equality

is the law of the land,

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