A Very Sordid Wedding Page #3

how's this revival,

well, gonna change things?

Supreme Court's not the law of this land.

Word of God's the law of this land.

Well, actually, if memory serves me right,

um, that's not exactly true.

The Constitution is the law

of the land, not the Bible.

Separation of Church and state,

um, somethin' we all should

have been taught in school.

She's a feisty one, ain't she?

Indeed she is.

Oh, I could tell you stories.

And I'm sure you already have.

Fact of the matter is,

five liberal justices

and an ungodly Muslim president,

can't take away my...

your biblical and constitutional right

to live according to

your deeply held beliefs.

Well, now, you've lost me,

because as I said, it's the law.

Well, that's true, but

as Christian warriors,

we have to fight for our Lord.

And here's your answer.

We are gonna make Runnels

County a sanctuary county

for the institution of

biblical marriage, one man,

one woman, and to never have a gay marriage

performed in this county.

Ever, ever. We want our rainbow back.

We do, indeed.

And there have been

consequences to the moral decay

of this country caused by

the gays and the acceptance

of their lifestyle, and there will be more.

9/11, AIDS, Obama's

election, Hurricane Katrina.

And Sandy. Oh, and don't

forget that Japanese tsunami.

And fire ants.

- All because of the gays.

- Um.

Well, you know, I consider

myself a God-fearing Christian

but I find it hard to

believe that the gays wield

enough power to control the weather,

and disease, and insects.

Well, allow me to

correct you here, you see,

God has the power to respond

appropriately to immorality.

And it's our responsibility

to protect this county

from his wrath.

Well, things become a little

cloudy and complicated when...

I'm sure you've been

told that my son is gay.

Yes, I have heard that.

And I'm so, so sorry.

That cross must be so

hard for you to carry.

Now you just might need this revival

more than anybody in this town.

Why don't you come by on Friday, Latrelle,

and I promise you that

everything will become...

crystal clear.

Hm.

You know what?

I think I will.

I just can't come right now.

I'm here at the hospital sittin' with

Evelyn Crawley's Aunt Little Neecy.

Aunt Little Neecy who used

to have all them feral cats?

And a pet skunk.

Why, I thought she died.

She was old when we were kids.

And why are you sittin' with the afflicted?

LaVonda, that is so unlike you.

Evelyn has had somethin' on me for years,

which I do not want to discuss,

and she has just been waitin' to collect.

What's wrong with Aunt Little Neecy

besides meanness and insanity?

Well, Evelyn was in her

kitchen, picklin' okras

from her garden, and

she put Aunt Little Neecy

in front of the television,

to keep her occupied,

and to keep her from goin' through

her underwear drawer again.

I mean, she's just obsessed

with Evelyn's underwear,

likes to try every one of 'em on.

Oh, there's nothin' crazy about that.

Uh, well it, it, stretches them out.

[Earl] Oh.

Anyway, Aunt Little

Neecy just loves that show

where the sponges talk.

I mean, whoever came up with that show

had to be on drugs, if you ask me.

So Evelyn looks up at

the clock on the stove...

Tammy, honey, is this as

boring to you as it is to me?

The Price Is Right, although,

Lord, she was pissed

when Bob Barker quit,

and hates Drew Carey,

who looks better fat.

Anyway, she goes in there and

tries to change the channel

on the TV, and that's

when the trouble started.

That is a lot of detail, LaVonda.

Oh, hush. You asked.

And I listened to your sob sister story

for 30 f***in' minutes.

Okay, okay, proceed.

Well, it became a

battle over that remote.

Evelyn could not pry that remote

out of Aunt Little Neecy's hand,

grip of death.

And during the struggle that remote

landed upside Evelyn's head.

Well, that did it.

Evelyn lost her temper,

and Little Neecy lost hers.

So, right in the middle

of Aunt Little Neecy's

big old temper tantrum,

she goes into a full-blown

epileptic seizure and bit off her tongue.

[screams] Bit off her tongue?

- Yes.

- Lord.

Evelyn had to put that bit-off tongue

in the pickle jar she was

usin' for puttin' up her okra.

Dumped that good okra right in the sink,

packed that jar with ice.

Quick thinkin'.

Sure was, and she got

Aunt Little Neecy here

to the hospital, where Dr. Lloyd

was able to reattach

that bit-off tongue.

But all that blood just ruined Evelyn's

brand-new white carpet, indoor, outdoor.

But Evelyn says that the good news is

that the doctors say

that Aunt Little Neecy

will speak again,

with speech therapy,

which in my humble

opinion is not good news,

'cause that crazy old bat

never f***in' shuts up.

And, I strongly believe

that Evelyn will regret

packin' that tongue on ice.

What does Evelyn have on you, anyway?

Well, it has to do with her

witnessing a justified crime

that I was an accomplice to

years ago, involving a goat.

Oh, my God, was it sexual?

No!

And that is all you need to know.

Well, Evelyn was just plain

stupid buyin' that white carpet.

But LaVonda, honey,

I'm desperate.

- I need for you to drive here

- [Aunt Little Neecy grunting]

and take me to Dallas.

Uh-oh, she's throwin' things. I gotta go.

Come get me, LaVon!

[sighing]

What took you so long?

Did you bring me my Payday,

and my flamingo-pink lipstick?

I mean, the nurses, the

orderlies, the new preacher,

they had to look at me

all day without my lips on.

Yes, ma'am, I'm sorry.

Oh, just give me my lipstick.

If I'm going to die, I

want to look presentable.

Oh, just cremate me.

I mean, you would never be

able to do these eyebrows.

Mama, you are not going to die.

Stomach cancer runs in this family.

You're probably gonna die of it too.

Just give me my lipstick and my Payday.

Okay, oh, there it is.

- Oh, kill it.

- Oh, Payday.

Payday, good.

- Lipstick.

- Ah-ha,

and quit eating.

You'll never get another man at your size.

Mama, I'm a size 10.

In what country?

I am not gonna let you

push my buttons, Mama.

You may have installed them,

but I'm not gonna let you push 'em.

I heard that on Oprah's Lifeclasses.

Oh, shut up.

Oprah's full of sh*t.

[gasping]

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to see

if they have your pending test

back to see how much longer

I am going to have to

put up with this sh*t!

Which Oprah is not full of.

LaVonda, LaVonda!

No yelling in the hallways!

There are sick people in here.

Didn't your mother teach

you to be considerate?

No, ma'am, she just taught me to feel

inferior and worthless.

- LaVonda!

- Trash.

Hey, there, pretty lady,

could you come in here?

Me?

Well, I don't see no

other pretty lady nearby.

Hey, would you be an angel and hand me...

hand me them crutches over there?

Goddamn mean nurse

helped me into this chair

and told me she'd be back in 30 minutes.

Been over an hour.

Oh, damnation,

you're pretty.

Uh?

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