A Very Sordid Wedding Page #4

[Hardy] Oh, and I don't

see no wedding ring.

No. No more. No ring.

I pawned it after my

divorce 17 years ago. Single!

See, my husband had an affair

on me with my best friend's

70-year-old mother, and

our friendship survived

but the marriage did not.

My friend LaVonda, oh,

that's Peggy's daughter,

Peggy is the old adulteratin' dead woman,

is settin' in that room across from you

with Evelyn Crawley's Aunt Little Neecy.

Well, Aunt Little Neecy is

crazy as a sack full of a**holes,

bless her heart.

And I'm here visitin' my mama,

who either has stomach cancer

or a severe case of ptomaine.

I mean, we're prayin' that it's ptomaine,

but she is so damn mean

sometimes I just wish she would die.

Oh, shoot, I meant to just think that.

My husband, G.W., well my ex-husband now,

17 years, no ring, single,

he is a Vietnam vet

and he has two wooden legs.

Well, technically they're fiberglass.

And one day I got real mad,

and I took one of them legs,

and I bashed in all the

windows on his pickup truck

while he was takin' a bath.

Not a pretty sight with

them stubs, years ago.

Then, I set them legs on fire

in the bed of his pickup truck,

beings as I was so upset

after Peggy's funeral,

you know about the affair, not her death.

But first, I soaked them legs in gasoline,

'cause I think that sh*t through,

tossed in a match, boom!

Oh, it's hard to make a

marriage work after that.

Remind me never to piss you off.

[laughing] Okay.

I, uh, I don't mean to make it worse.

[laughing] What... what

happened to your leg?

Well, I crushed it workin' on an oil rig.

Uh, my crutches.

Oh, right, sorry.

Okay, here you go.

- Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

Now, hey, will you get behind me,

put both your hands

around my waist and give me a shove up?

Okay.

Don't look at my ass.

[Noleta] Okay.

[Hardy grunting] There we go.

Oh, yay, it worked.

My buddy Hank's suppose to

bring me some sweats but,

- are you lookin' at my ass?

- No!

Well, maybe just a little.

Good.

[Noleta laughing]

[Noleta] Oh, Lord!

"Come, Lord Jesus.

"The grace of the Lord Jesus

be with all. Amen."

Hm.

Well, it's not the best

endin', if you ask me.

[telephone ringing]

[Vera] Corner Stop, where

Jesus is alive and well

and everything is convenient. This is Vera.

How may I help you?

Hello, Vera, well, I just now finished

readin' the entire Bible.

I've been dealin' with

Brother Boy this morning, ooh!

More troubles than Christ on the cross.

Well, bless his heart.

I've been praying for

Jesus to turn him straight.

Well, Vera, I think that

perhaps that is a wasted prayer.

If you have faith the

size of a mustard seed,

you can say to a mulberry

tree, "Be uprooted

and be planted in the sea."

That's in Luke.

Hey, Leticia, you're

mixin' up the sweet spicy

chili Doritos with the spicy nachos again.

Yes, Vera! B*tch... [speaking Spanish]

[Sissy] "Be ye kind, one to

another." Ephesians 4:32.

Mm, uh-huh, that's one of my favorites.

Why do you think anybody

would want to uproot

a mulberry tree and plant it in the sea?

How would they pick their mulberries?

Mm, there are some things in the Bible

that just do not make

a lick of sense to me.

Well, I live by the Bible, Sissy.

I don't need it to make sense.

Now I'm gonna need you on my

anti-equality calling committee.

The revival starts tomorrow,

and we gotta get the final word out.

They're comin' for our religious freedoms,

and good Christians are bein' persecuted.

By who?

Obama, Hillary Clinton,

five liberal judges,

and Miley Cyrus.

[Latrelle] Sissy!

Sissy!

Oh, Lord, Vera, I gotta go. It's Latrelle.

Sissy!

Sissy!

Well, you're just never gonna believe

what the church is doing, you just won't.

Vera told me...

They're havin' an anti-equality revival.

That's what they're callin'

it. It starts tomorrow.

I just met the new

preacher, Jimmy Ray Brewton.

He's handsome.

Very argumentative.

Well, you'd know all about that.

That's not always a bad thing.

Oh, wait a minute. I just hung up from Ty.

He and Kyle may be movin' to Dallas.

Kyle's got a big designer

job offer from Mitchell Gold,

Bob Williams, furniture

store, very upscale.

High end. Gorgeous.

Maybe you can get some free furniture.

Oh, the bigger news.

The boys are havin' twins.

Oh, twins.

I gotta tinkle.

What's wrong with my furniture?

[door closing]

LaVonda.

LaVonda.

This is Hardy. Hardy, this is LaVonda.

Hardy's new in town.

And who are you, the welcome wagon?

Are you two smokin' in the hospital?

Oh, yeah, we were smokin'.

[Noleta] I gotta go, I'm

gonna be late for work.

We're not done here, okay?

Okay, ow! [laughing]

Why don't anything good like

this ever happen to my life?

Did you see the size of his feet?

I sure did, come on.

So they both do their business

in a cup instead of a sock,

and it goes to some

science lab where it then

fertilizes some stray woman's eggs

that they choose from a book of donors.

Then the fertilized eggs

are put into the surrogate's

uterus, that will then carry the babies.

[laughing] Was very scientific.

Ew, Lordy, Lordy, the things

they can do these days.

They use this agency

called Growing Generations,

that did every thing,

put every thing together.

And that oldest Winkler girl just had her

fourth baby out of wedlock.

They could have just slipped her a 20 and

had a little white trash baby.

No, thank you.

I do not want a Winkler grandchild.

No tellin' what's

swimmin' in that gene pool.

Besides, they wanted their own.

And with today's technology, each one

can have their very own biological child.

Oh, one white one,

and one cute little mulatto.

Ew, I hope the mulatto one is a girl.

Halle Berry is so beautiful.

Sissy that word, "mulatto,"

it's no longer politically correct.

"Mixed" is preferred.

Mixed, huh?

Well, if you say so.

Mulatto sure has a prettier ring to it.

Lord, I cannot keep up.

Is African-American still right?

I believe so, only there are some

who don't care for that either.

Oh, I cannot wait to tell

mid-life crises Wilson

that he's gonna be a grandpa.

I am a Christian, Lord

But I'm a woman too

Finish Tammy, and then

I gotta get into Loretta.

Velcro, girl.

How to solve this sh*t.

[door closing]

Hello.

We're not open yet.

- You worthless pathetic freak.

- Aah!

You can kiss your precious Tammy goodbye.

'Cause it ain't a workin'.

No! Go away, Dr. Eve! [screaming]

[Billy Joe] Hello.

- No!

- You okay?

Oh, forgive my appearance.

I'm working on a transition

from Tammy into Loretta.

It's part of a skit I come up with.

For the big show, it's

Loretta, Tammy, Dolly,

We Three Queens of Opry Are.

How about you be a good little girl

and pour me a strong drink.

We ain't open yet.

Okay.

Well, hurry up, Roger's gonna kill me.

I'm gonna be late for work.

Little to the right, Wardell.

And those beautiful

princes, William and Harry,

were left motherless.

And I will never forgive

Camilla Parker Bowles.

Oh, who gives a sh*t, Juanita?

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