A Very Sordid Wedding Page #5

Queen Elizabeth.

Tragic, Juanita.

- Hey, G.W., Odell, hi, Wardell.

- Hi, Vonnie.

Are you all doin' all this for my mama?

Yep, and I'd like for

you to come tomorrow night

as my date, for old times' sake.

- I think I'd like that.

- Yeah.

I'm Earl. Folks just call me Brother Boy,

or Tammy Wynette.

I'm Billy Joe. Can I bum a smoke?

Why don't you light two at once.

[laughing] Sorry, they're kinda girly.

I'm bisexual, I'll

channel my feminine side.

Oh, bisexual, huh?

What?

Just wanted to pass and say howdy.

What's up?

Well, Mama's in the hospital,

either stomach cancer or ptomaine.

And she told me I'd never

get another man at my size.

Then right after she said that, I got laid

by a younger man, hot

as hell, with both legs

in a hospital bed.

Mama was wrong.

So what's up with you, G.W., stayin' busy?

52.09, 52.09, 52.09,

52.09, 52.09, 52.09,

52.09, 52.09 and 52.09.

Will there be anything else?

Uh-uh. No, ma'am, no, no, no.

For that, I can't even

afford to eat anymore.

Have you given any more thought to bein'

on my anti-equality calling committee?

Well...

Sissy, would you buy me this Baby Ruth?

I had a craving for somethin' sweet.

Well, hello, Latrelle.

I heard that your ex-husband

has been shackin' up

with a much, much younger

more beautiful woman

in your former mini-mansion that you lost

in the divorce over in St. Angelo.

How you holdin' up?

I'm fine, Vera, thank you.

Well, you've been on my prayer

list ever since your husband

ran off with that mulatto IHOP waitress.

Prayers mean so much.

"Mulatto" is no longer

politically correct, Vera.

They prefer "mixed" these days.

And I've been prayin' for

you, and your struggle with

obesity, and gluttony too.

You have faith, you can move a mountain.

[Leticia laughing]

Shut up, Leticia. Go dust

the sauce or you'll be

lookin' for a new trabajo.

[speaking Spanish]

I don't speak Mexican!

And I am not a glutton,

I have glandular problems.

Oh, Vera has struggled

so with her weight battle

ever since we were kids.

Dr. Oz says it's a disease,

just like bein' an alcoholic.

Well, then perhaps it's

time for you to get sober.

People don't like you, Latrelle.

Yes.

It's the one thing we have in common, Vera.

Come on, Sissy.

Oh!

[sighing] Bye.

I know what that teardrop tattoo means.

It means you been in the pokey.

Uh, damn, I needed that.

I've had a real bad day.

You know who I am?

Mm-mm.

Should I? You famous?

My precious, precious Tammy was famous.

It was her blessing and her curse.

Pills.

I'm just a lost soul roamin' the highways.

Uh, well, that's poetic.

You know I like the way you look.

Rough.

Rough trade.

Rough trade.

Yeah, I'm rough, all right.

You know why the call it the pokey?

Ah, that's nasty!

[chuckling] Yeah, but you might like

to get poked in the pokey.

[Earl] Oh, you shut up.

[laughing]

Be right back, forgot

somethin' in my truck.

I am a Christian, Lord,

but I'm a woman too.

Boom, boom, boom, boom

[tense music]

Hello?

Billy Joe?

What the hell's all this?

Well, hello, Marty. It's nice to be greeted

by such a ray of sunshine.

[laughing] Shut up.

Who the hell is Billy Joe?

My imaginary friend,

who watches me rehearse.

You are certifiable, when

the hell are you gonna learn?

This is not working, okay?

No-kay.

And if can't perform some new material,

and not the tired old sh*t

from the has-been dead,

and the has been almost dead,

then you leave me no choice

but to fire your prissy, untalented ass.

Loretta and Dolly are not almost dead,

and they're certainly not has-beens.

Tammy's the only one that's dead.

And she is not and certainly

will never be a has-been.

She's just gone.

She came to me, Marty.

I was chosen. I don't

think you're capable of even

understanding that kind of

commitment and obligation.

So why don't you just

sail on back to Singapore.

I'm Filipino, born in Cleveland.

When I was in the loony bin at Big Springs,

Tammy's ghost came to

me night after night...

- Shut the f*** up!

- Came for me!

I cannot hear that cockamamie bullshit

country legend ghost story again.

You were in a mental

institution for a reason, okay.

Case closed.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, Martina,

don't! [screaming]

No, no!

I am plannin' a little surprise visit.

I want Wilson to be filled with regret

the moment he sees me.

[Sissy] African-American, Asian, mixed.

Roger, I am so, so sorry that I'm late

but someone came up.

And it was hard for her to get away.

- [both laughing]

- [Latrelle] Hi, Noleta.

- Hi, Latrelle. Hey, Sissy.

- Hey, sug.

- [Roger] It's always somethin'.

- It was somethin', all right.

Well, I guess I missed

whatever the somethin' was.

Noleta, could you fix my French manicure?

Please, focus this time.

On it.

You've been missin' that somethin'

your entire life, Latrelle.

Alley cattin' has never

been my forte, unlike some.

Hell's bells, Latrelle,

my alley cattin' years

are a distant memory.

And there was only one ole cowboy that ever

did anything for me in the first place.

Sh*t, if it wasn't for my

rabbit, I'd never have another

f***in' orgasm in my

f***in' life! [laughing]

I'll buy you one for Christmas, Latrelle.

Why wait? My birthday's next month.

And this folks, is the perfect example

that people can change.

Sissy, you want a rabbit?

No ma'am, I do not like rodents.

[laughing]

Don't make me do Carrie Underwood.

Or Blake Shelton's

formerly fleshy ex-wife,

or that butch from Sugarland.

I can't do it, Marty,

I just can't! [crying]

You will if I say you will.

No, no, no, Dr. Eve! Get out of my head!

Stop, just go, go, go, go, go, no, no, go.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm your new boss,

the one who had no say in hiring you,

but can sure as sh*t fire you.

So, pop up with a new act,

or you can hang up your

tired, tattered heals.

Apologize to the lady.

Who are you? What are you doing in here?

F*** you.

Excuse me, who the hell do

you think you're talking to?

I'm talkin' to you, b*tch.

Now apologize to the lady,

or you have me to f***in' deal with.

All right, you have 10

seconds to leave this bar

before I call the police

to have your dumb redneck,

white-trash ass arrested.

- All right then.

- [Marty screaming]

- Oh! Oh, my God!

- You can't kill him.

That's the escaped hitchhiker murderer.

- Oh!

- [gun firing]

No, no, don't shoot him. No, don't shoot.

You can't shoot him in the head.

[Billy Joe] You just shot at

the wrong person, ass wipe.

I got it, I got it, I got the gun.

- Hey, no, no, no, no, no.

- [Marty screaming]

Don't, don't, you'll

splatter blood on my costumes,

and I've worked so hard on 'em.

You gotta be shittin' me.

No, I'm not shitting you.

Blood and splattered brains is so messy.

Blood will not come outta chiffon.

- She's right about that.

- No!

I mean it, Billy Joe, don't you kill him.

All right, then.

This never happened.

'Cause if one call is made to the cops,

I will come back here and

slice you from your a**hole

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