A Very Sordid Wedding Page #6

to your appetite, got it?

I do, this never happened.

You comin', or not?

Well, I guess so. Under the circumstances,

my options are rather limited.

Oh, Good Lord.

Oh, my God!

I wish you would look at old Vera!

I guess a life committed

to ridin' a scooter is

better than goin' on a diet.

You know, some people just

don't care about their health.

You know I've got a good

mind to go over there

and knock them off that

scooter and claw them to death

with that f***in' hammer.

Roger, hun, you don't mean that.

Murder is never a good option.

I have just been beaten down

all my life by the Bible.

And at some point, there

are no more cheeks to turn

and no more fucks to give.

Billy Joe, run! Run fast!

That Singapore sling is evil.

She cannot be trusted.

[Billy Joe] Come on, come on, get in here.

She's not Southern. Help me, Ian!

[Billy Joe] God, jeez, what is all that?

[Earl] It's my stuff,

for my show, now let's go.

Goodbye,

Long-f***ing-view, Texas.

Haul ass, Billy Joe!

Ladies, it's so good that

all of you are here together.

We really want you to come to our revival.

Vera, I cannot be on your

anti-equality calling committee.

Sissy, you don't believe

in equality, do you?

I most certainly do.

What's goin' on?

Sissy believes in equality now.

Well, then you don't believe the Bible,

and you're not right with your maker.

Jesus spoke to us, He said,

no service to the gays.

No cakes, no flowers, no photos,

and nobody to perform the weddings.

No gay marriage, ever, ever, ever.

Shh.

Jesus is speakin' to me

too, right here and now.

And the voice that I'm

hearin' is tellin' me...

What? What's he sayin'?

He's tellin' me...

that he never said dip to you.

And that you're a liar, and

a wolf in sheep's clothing.

A very large sheep.

Stop your fat-shaming, LaVonda!

This has nothin' to do

with what's on the outside,

but the awfulness inside

these two hypocrites.

What has gotten into you, Sissy?

You're hurtin' my feelings.

Love...

and compassion, wasn't

that Christ's real message?

And now I'm usin' my

heart, and the intelligence

the Good Lord give me to

figure things out for myself.

Well, I'm not.

I...I didn't say that right.

Oh, Vera, nothin' you say is right.

Come on, Latrelle, let's

head over to St. Angelo's

so we can tell your

a**hole ex-husband off,

'cause I'm on a roll and whoo, [laughs]

you're ready!

Get outta my way!

Sinners!

Oh, Roger hun,

could you do a quick touch-up on my hair?

I wanna look my best for

the revival tomorrow night.

Get your bacon-eatin'

Baptist asses outta my shop.

And now that the Winter's

Hairport is closed,

and Lila Walker is no

longer the oldest living

beautician in the entire state of Texas,

because she is dead, who the

f***'s gonna do your hair?

Yeah, b*tches, anti-equality

works both ways.

Now you get the hell outta

here before I beat you...

[women screaming]

Get out, get out, get out, now!

Get out, get out, now.

That's right, b*tches, get out.

[laughing]

Whoa!

So, where you wanna go?

Dallas, to the Rose Room...

where opportunity is rampant.

We're gonna need some money.

I'll be right back, you stay put.

Don't move.

Will you get me a cold cola?

What kind?

Dr Pepper.

Oh, and some cigs. I'm down to my last 20,

I should have grabbed that stash of tips.

Keep it, don't need it.

Well, what a gentleman.

[doorbell ringing]

Ugh, what the hell do you want?

Hello, Greta.

I need to speak to Wilson.

Have you ever heard of

the telephone or email?

Have you ever heard of

age-appropriate dressing?

- [Sissy snickering]

- Whatever, b*tch.

Wilson, your ex-wife Latree is here.

- Latrelle.

- [Greta laughing]

You know it's Latrelle.

[Earl] I'm about to bust my bladder.

Put all the f***in'

money in the f***in' bag.

That's right, don't you f***in' move.

All the money in that f***in'

bag, that's it right there.

Give me the f***in' money or I'll shoot her

in the f***ing face.

[Earl] I might have bit

off more than I can chew.

Get in the truck! Get in the truck!

Get in the goddamn truck!

Well, if I'd known you was

gonna commit armed robbery,

I would not have worn my kitten heels.

[Billy Joe] Come on.

[truck engine starting]

[gun firing]

What the hell do you want?

[sighing] Do you mind?

Whatever you wanna say in front of me,

you can say in front of my wife.

Wife?

Wife!

Right after my divorce

was final last month,

and we were both free

of our horrible pasts,

we had a simple private

ceremony in San Antonio

- with a mariachi band.

- [Wilson clicking tongue]

Mm, it was perfect for

our simple yet pure love.

Well, I, I didn't know.

Well, what'd you expect,

Latrelle? A wedding invitation?

[Wilson and Greta laughing]

You're gonna be a grandpa, Wilson.

What?

[Latrelle] Huh, Ty and Kyle's surrogate

is pregnant with twins.

I can explain how that

works if y'all need me to.

Works against God's nature is what it does.

Just as their relationship

and their lifestyle

works against God's will.

That's right. We believe

that God created Adam and Eve,

and not Adam and Steve,

and that marriage is

between a man and a woman.

Shouldn't that be between

a man, his first wife,

and then a couple of trashy waitresses?

Did she just call me trashy?

Well, if the hooker heel fits.

And I am a singer, not a waitress.

At the

Bowl-a-Rama.

Wilson, are you going to allow

her to talk to me like this?

Allow? Oh, honey,

he never had that kinda control over me.

Greta, hun, do y'all believe all the Bible?

This feels like a trick question.

We absolutely do.

We hate the sin, but we love the sinner.

Latrelle, we're gonna need some rocks.

Rocks?

Yes, hun, I hate to inform

you, but the Bible is

very clear on stonin' adulterers.

Covered in several passages.

So I guess me and

Latrelle are gonna have to

stone you and Wilson.

Ew, would right here in

the driveway be acceptable?

Sissy, would these bricks that I lined

this flower bed with, will they do?

Bullshit! Go on and get off my property.

You are gonna be a grandpa, Wilson.

Our gay son is gonna be a daddy.

And he will parent with

the gay man who he loves

and is legally married

to, so get used to it.

Stop being such a terrible father.

Get off the property.

Yeah, or I'm gonna call the police.

The property you stole from me?

Gladly. Come on, Sissy.

Nice to meet you, Greta.

I am real happy we

didn't have to stone you.

Wilson.

Good job, Latrelle.

I felt it went well.

Um, yeah.

[moaning] Give it to me, daddy.

[laughing]

What?

I'm sorry, I think we have to come up with

a better way to talk dirty.

I don't think we can use

daddy like that anymore.

Right. [sighing]

Wow.

Um, man, we're gonna be daddies, Ty.

We are gonna be the best damn daddies

God ever put on this Earth.

[sighing]

Unlike mine.

Hey, bringin' us down.

Literally.

[Ty sighing]

Talk dirty, baby.

Give me that BBC my, um...

hot, black man?

[both laughing]

Hurry up, I don't want

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