A Very Sordid Wedding Page #7

Aunt Little Neecy to see me.

She's become attached.

Did you miss me?

Well, kinda.

I'm not wearin' any underwear.

[Noleta gasping]

[clearing throat] Your mama.

Oh, right, tests pending

are no longer pending.

Well, if it's bad news you come back here

and I will comfort you.

But if it's good news, you come back here

and we'll celebrate.

- Win-win.

- Yeah.

How the f*** is this happenin' to you?

Trash!

[truck horn honking]

We just need to hang

out here a couple hours,

until it gets dark.

Get a little sleep, let things cool down,

then we'll take a back

road on up to Dallas.

[laughing] Life of crime is so exciting.

I love bein' on the lamb with you.

Well, there, one bed.

[Noleta] I am so glad it

was ptomaine and not cancer!

[Hardy muffled]

Oh, yes, he does! Oh,

give glory! Give glory!

Hallelujah!

Oh, Jesus!

[screaming]

Oh, whoo, we win, win, win,

hold one, one more, one... whee!

- [Noleta] Jesus, oh, win, win!

- Huh?

Noleta?

[Noleta] Win, win, win, win.

Kinda looks like a bald, naked Jesus if

Jesus had tattoos, which he did not.

You don't have a snowball's

chance in hell with this one,

- you little monkey freak.

- Go away.

No, even prison trash is above you.

You do my masturbation

exercises, look at these.

No, I'll masturbate,

but I won't think of you

and those cow-dung titties.

I'm gonna think about Billy Joe Dobson,

the hitchhiker murderer.

You'll think of me if I say you will.

No, go away! No!

No!

Who the hell are you talkin' to?

You.

Huh, just a silly way of wakin' you up.

Beats the hell out of "rise and shine,"

give God the glory, glory.

Dude, you are f***in' crazy.

And I like crazy.

Wonder which one is the mixed twin.

[slow, sorrowful music]

[Latrelle sighing]

[telephone ringing]

[Ty] Hi, Mama.

Ty, I need you to come home.

Winters needs you.

Why don't you scare me?

I think my killin' days are over.

Maybe you can sense that.

Well, it works in my favor.

Come over here by me.

[sighing] You mind?

No, uh-uh, I don't mind.

[sighing] The killin'

was all connected to sex.

I'm attracted to women and

men, just about everything.

Except farm animals.

But, my attraction is only for dead people.

Besides, I can't get this

monster dick of mine up no more.

Them days are over.

- Monster?

- Mm.

Where does it end?

[Billy Joe laughing]

You might be a killer,

but you ain't a liar.

I don't wanna be that:

a killer.

I take full responsibility,

but I had a childhood that was

like a goddamn horror movie.

Can't go there.

It was just somethin', the

killin', I couldn't control.

I tried...

so hard.

My kind ain't too popular in the big house.

Some inmates cut my nuts off.

Cut your nuts off?

Yep.

Them guards just stood back and laughed,

I almost bled to death.

If it hadn't been for

this big old black queer

named Ribeye, I would've.

Maybe that's why I like you.

You kinda remind me of old Ribeye.

Oh, you've lost me.

Well,

he was real, real sissy.

Almost a woman.

Oh, yeah, well, that makes complete sense.

But Ribeye saved my life.

Sewed my nut sack shut.

Hurt like a motherf***er.

He nursed me back to

health real tender-like.

[sighing] Felt more love

than I'd ever felt in my life.

Didn't want sex.

Nothing.

It was just love.

But then Ribeye met his maker.

Got into some bad drug sh*t

and was stabbed right in front of me.

Everybody I ever love just leaves.

I'm scared to die.

'Cause I know with all

I done here on this Earth

I don't have no chance of goin' to heaven.

I will be burnin' in that

lake of fire for eternity.

I'm bound for hell.

So, that's why I escaped.

'Cause they was suppose

to execute me in a few days

and I was scared shitless.

So, I guess...

in a way,

losin' my nuts was the best thing

that could have happened to me, and you.

'Cause if I still had my

nuts, I'd have killed you,

then we'd have sex,

which you couldn't enjoy

'cause you would be dead, but then...

I'd certainly be attracted to you.

Well, thank you.

Sure makes me feel better about myself.

Dear sweet Jesus, this is

the strangest conversation

I have ever had in my

entire life. [laughing]

What?

For Ribeye.

[TV Announcer] In other news

now, Texas Attorney General

Ken Paxton is telling county

officials they can deny

- marriage licenses...

- Sore losers if you ask me.

[TV Announcer] ...to same-sex

couples, if it conflicts

- with their religious beliefs.

- Why'd you take down

all my pictures of your mama?

Wardell wants me to

bring some over to Bubba's

- for Mama's memorial service.

- Ah.

[TV Announcer] And breaking

news just in to our news room.

The hitchhiker murderer,

Billy Joe Dobson,

is still on the loose.

But he was spotted today

during what appears to be

the kidnapping of an elderly woman.

You know that hostage

looks vaguely familiar.

[TV Announcer] If you know

this woman, or have...

Well, this is it.

I'm gonna miss you.

Yeah, I'm...

well, okay.

Get out.

You deserved a better life.

You're gonna need this.

Plenty more where that came from.

Thank you, Billy Joe.

I learned something very

valuable from meeting you.

What's that?

Never judge a serial killer.

[slow, sorrowful music]

Bye-bye.

[door creaking open]

Still takin' away keys

and drivin' all the drunks home, huh?

Keeps me in business.

You're a good man, Wardell.

Well, hell. [laughing]

"Amateur drag competition, the Rose Room."

It's a sign.

So now you're an accomplice to a crime.

And in a big, strange city.

- You're not here.

- [laughing]

You don't belong here.

You don't belong anywhere, f*ggot.

You don't belong here.

You store-bought,

big-tittied,

old alcoholic

homo-hatin',

pill-poppin', b*tch.

[laughing]

You go away, forever!

[dramatic, eerie music]

Ding-dong, the b*tch is dead.

[upbeat music plays]

You're movin' closer now

All I can say is

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Ah, ah, ah

Ooh, ooh, ooh...

Amateur drag competition.

I ain't an amateur, but

you gotta start somewhere.

You movin' in?

No, I'm not movin' in, I just wanted...

choices for the competition.

Oh, your Andrew Christians

are, ooh, not real Christian.

[screams] The Rose Room!

I'm just... I'm overwhelmed.

- Do you need a shot of courage?

- Yeah, I'm nervous.

Girl, I love this dress,

and this one is divine.

Now I made 'em myself.

Shut the f*** up.

You're gonna be fabulous, baby.

Well, thank you.

Grandmother, did they

let you out of the home?

Krystal, sign up Angie Dickinson here.

Don't pay any attention

to Cassie, she's bipolar.

I think you're kinda precious.

Well, I'm not Angie Dickinson.

I am Tammy Wynette.

More like Tammy Why-not.

Ooh, the big red one is delicious.

Wait till you hear this audience.

[burps]

Time to celebrate my baby's new job!

Oh, God, this is where I learned to be gay.

Under what table?

- All of 'em.

- [laughing]

[Announcer] Ladies and gentleman,

please make welcome to the stage,

Cassie Nova!

[audience applauding]

Hey, you crazy motherfuckers,

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