A Very Sordid Wedding Page #8

welcome, welcome, welcome

to the amateur show here at

the Rose Room and dance floor.

Can we talk about how gay

this motherf***er looks?

I'm in a freakin' dress

and he is gayer than I am.

And he's wearin' more makeup.

Stoli cran and one mint, please.

How you doin'?

Oh, no, other side.

[audience laughing]

He slapped his ass, I

don't care about his ass.

Or his face.

[audience applauding]

Now tonight, we are

being sponsored by Stoli,

so lift your glasses with

me in the name of the Lord

and all that is holy, cheers to queers.

[LaVonda] Oh, Lord, look how young I was.

Yeah, that was about the time that I...

kissed the most beautiful

gal I'd ever seen.

Down by the old cow pond.

I was barely 16.

Yeah.

Oh, and that's not all we

did down by the cow pond

if I remember correctly.

Ah, young love. Nothin' like it.

Well, maybe there is, Vonnie.

'Cause you're still the most beautiful gal

I've ever laid eyes on.

[slow country music playing]

I never stopped loving you, Vonnie.

I never stopped loving you, Wardell.

Ladies and gentlemen,

y'all make some noise for

the gorgeous Krystal Feather.

[audience applauding]

Great job, girl. Great job.

You see, this is the goal,

queens. This is the goal.

All right you all, for

this next entertainer,

I want y'all to keep y'all's

expectations real low.

'Cause this next old country

queen, is short as f***.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Tammy Whynot.

[audience laughing and applauding]

It's Wynette, run and

tell her, Tammy Wynette.

[man in audience] Drink up, girl.

["Womanhood" by Tammy Wynette playing]

He said "Hold on Patricia"

I only tried to kiss you

She said, "Okay," but then

said, "Don't you dare"

She seems so badly shakin'

Bless her heart.

He thought he was mistaken

But it sure looked like She

bowed her head in prayer

[audience laughing]

That's my hair. I can't

perform without my hair on.

But I'm a woman too

If you are listenin', Lord

Please show me what to do

I've tried hard To be what...

I think that's my Uncle Brother Boy.

[audience laughing]

I don't think she's gonna win.

[audience laughing and applauding]

[crying]

Thank you

George Jones drank to calm his nerves.

It did not work for me.

Excuse me, but...

I am so sorry you all had

to witness this catastrophe.

I got up stage and I just bunched up.

My throat, I just... I couldn't. I froze.

I think you're my Uncle Brother Boy.

You're Latrelle's boy.

[Ty] I am.

Ty.

This is my husband, Kyle.

Your husband?

I just wanna kiss you on the cheek, both.

[Kyle] Love those nails.

Oh, they'd look good with your color.

I mean...

[all laughing]

Do you live here?

I hitchhiked up here from Longview.

It's just a really long story.

I'm, um... everything I own is in a sack.

All my possessions, my worldly

possessions, are in a sack.

We're headed back to

Winters Uncle Brother Boy.

Do you want to come home with us?

Hell, no. I ain't been home since I saw you

last time at Mama's funeral.

That was almost a bigger

disaster than tonight.

I think you should reconsider.

It's time we all be a family again.

Are you washed In the blood

In the soul cleansing

Blood of the lamb?

Are your garments Spotless and...?

Speakin' of garments, a walk of shame.

You hussy.

Guilty. [laughing]

Where have you been all night?

Oh, Sissy, me and

Wardell got back together.

Oh!

I'm so happy for you.

Ah!

- Oh!

- [doorbell ringing]

Well, who in the world?

Are you expectin' anybody?

- Ty, oh, heavens to Betsy!

- Aunt Sissy!

Oh, you must be Kyle. Welcome to Winters.

It's a pleasure to be here.

And look who we found just wanderin'

the streets of Dallas.

[Sissy and LaVonda yelling]

[exclaims] Oh! Hi, Brother Boy, oh.

Come on, I finally made it.

Everybody come on in, come on.

[excited talking]

Come on in, Ty.

I'm gonna go on in

and finish gettin' some breakfast

- Ooh, shh, shh!

- We are interrupting regular

programming for this special

report and update now

on the hitchhiker murderer.

Billy Joe Dobson is dead.

- Good.

- Killed during a shootout

with police and after

a dramatic car chase

through Dallas late last night.

Take a close look here.

This elderly woman

- is believed to be...

- Elderly?

the hitchhiker

murderer's final victim.

Police are currently

looking for her body.

We will keep you updated

as we learn more.

The fallen angel has returned to heaven.

Yes, she has.

That poor old woman.

Wonder why she's hitchhiking at her age.

[Latrelle] Sissy!

Sissy!

Ty, you made it.

We did. We made it, Mama.

Ah, and Kyle.

Oh, well, got everything planned.

It's all mapped out.

All right, well, let's discuss

everything over breakfast,

I got plenty. It's almost ready

and nobody likes cold biscuits.

[Ty] Look who we brought.

Brother Boy.

You look very pretty.

I missed you.

Do I know you?

Well, I guess I deserved

that but, I'm tryin'.

Oh, she's still a b*tch,

but it's just not non-stop anymore.

Do you mind?

Come on, boys.

[sighing] Brother Boy, I's awful to you

for years, and I'm just so...

No, honey, you don't have to do this.

No, no, I do, I need to.

I'm sorry,

it's just that so much has changed.

Is changin'.

Guess it just took me awhile.

Awhile?

Too long, okay? I wanna

make up for lost time.

Can we?

Can we go back to the way

it was when we were little?

We used to play dress-up together.

Well, what size dress are you?

Oh, I love you.

I love you.

I love you too, Latrelle. Good Lord.

That's good.

Thank you, Ty. Y'all

just sit down anywhere.

Now you did some remodelin'.

I did, now I can watch my shows

while I'm eatin' and cookin'.

Oh, he is black.

[laughing]

I prefer hot chocolate mocha.

Then tea, of course.

Has hot chocolate mocha

replaced African-American?

No, I'm just bein' silly.

And I'm a guessing this

pretty lady must be Noleta.

Why, hey, thank you, yes, Noleta.

I'm white, can't even tan,

and I'm in love too, I think.

But it's not the gay love. Can't go there.

Sometimes I think it'd be

easier, less complicated,

but I am attracted to black men.

Ow, uh, African-American

men. That's right too.

"Black" works. I've never been African.

Well, I sure am excited about your

one white and one mixed twin.

Uh, we prefer biracial.

Biracial. Oh, Lord, I cannot keep up.

Oh, girl, you been busy.

I try, do my best.

And that's what matters.

I believe the intention is

more important than the words.

All good to know, but

we gotta get organized

for the anti-equality revival tonight.

We gotta get busy,

because sh*t is about to hit the fan.

[woman] Would you lead us

in an open word of prayer?

Well, of course, ladies.

Let the church house be packed

to the rafters, oh, Lord.

Yes, Lord.

Let sinners come in that front door.

What's goin' on here?

Juanita, hun, we're right

in the middle of our final

anti-equality committee meeting.

That doesn't sound right.

Well, it is.

Now we would just love

for you to join us tonight,

if you would.

I have a conflict.

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