A Very Sordid Wedding Page #9

There's somethin' goin' on

real important over at that

bar that I sometimes frequent

uh, called, uh, I forget.

Bubba's?

That would be the one.

Might as well be called

the den of inequity.

I think that one's over in New Orleans.

Hey, big'un, a pack of my

cigarettes and these Cheetos.

The name is Vera. Vera Lisso, not big'un.

We've been through this

a few hundred times.

Big'un suits you better.

The bass people make a

cheese out of raw milk

that is aged in a cave

for four or five months.

How do you know that, Juanita?

I forget.

Keep the change, big'un.

It's two pennies.

All yours.

And it's ripened with mold,

and they scrape the mold

off before you eat it.

And that's where the bass people lost me.

The gates are down, and

the lights are flashing,

but the train is not coming.

Will the circle be unbroken?

By and by, Lord By and by

Hurry up, Latrelle,

they've already started.

All the waitin' In the sky Lord

Come on, Noleta.

Is it straight?

Yes, now behave yourself.

By and by, Lord

By and by

Look who's here.

There's a better

Home awaiting

In the sky, Lord

In the sky

Yes, brothers and sisters,

let's keep our circle

from being broken by

sodomite sinners, amen.

Yes, and please forgive

our appearance today,

because Roger, an avowed

homosexual, has decided

not to fix anybody's hair who

believes in this good book.

Amen.

[phone vibrates]

[Mrs. Barnes] Are y'all ready for some

good old-fashioned preachin'?

[Crowd] Amen.

Please welcome to Southside

Baptist our new pastor,

Jimmy Ray Brewton.

[audience applauding]

Roger?

Ty?

Roger, this is my husband, Kyle.

Nice to meet you, Roger.

And you. Lord, these

people are not gonna know

whether to be racist or homophobic.

Did I miss anything?

Nothin' you haven't heard a

hundred million times before.

But that preacher is hot as f***.

Thou shalt not lie with

mankind as with womankind.

It is an abomination.

- Amen.

- Amen, brother.

You know, Satan was the

first to ask for equal rights.

Yeah, that's right.

Flip over to Isaiah 14:14,

where Lucifer proclaims,

"I will be like the most high."

Wanted to be equal with God.

But Satan never got his

equal rights, did he?

No, no, he fell down to the bowels of hell.

Just like the gays will.

I used to love this church.

You know they're not all like this anymore.

You can't swing a cat in this town

without hittin' a bigot.

I remember, but you know,

hearts and minds are changin'.

But, hey, these bigots actually

inspired me to do what I do.

I work for Faith in America,

and we try to help people

work through the damage,

and to prove to them that

God includes us too.

They question the creation,

you question the creator.

Lots of affirmin' churches

poppin' up everywhere.

My mama's the pastor

of one over in Phoenix.

Lucky you.

You put a face on gay, Roger.

When I was a little boy, I used to sit and

watch Roger do Mama, and Aunt

LaVonda, and Aunt Sissy's hair,

and I used to pretend that

I was Roger from Avila.

I ratted my doll Suzy Q's

hair until she was bald.

You inspired me to accept all of me, so...

thank you.

You don't know what that means to me.

[cell phone vibrates]

Oh, we better get in there.

Mama's about to explode.

Are you comin'?

Oh, hell no. I can hear the

hate just fine from out here.

[Jimmy Ray] Always the

best option for our lives.

- [audience applauding]

- Thank y'all.

Oh, that was my mama's favorite hymn.

Oh, that was just beautiful, Wardell.

You know, Vonnie, last night

was really special for me.

Me too.

That's it.

[LaVonda] D.W., don't

you even think about it.

- Hey, you son of a b*tch!

- What the hell?

Oh, hi, G.W., I didn't

see you standing there.

Get your goddamn white

trash hands off a her.

You're the white trash and

you have no claim to me.

Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E became

final 17 years ago.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Wardell, do somethin'. They're

ruinin' my mama's tribute.

They're fightin' over me, LaVonda.

Oh, they're fightin' over me.

Oh, you're goin' down, a**hole.

It's on you son of a b*tch.

Go on, knock his teeth out, G.W.

Now.

[G.W. grunting]

- Not a damn thing.

- Come on, kick his ass!

[grunting]

[G.W. yelling]

[G.W.] I lost my leg!

I got you. Come here, come here.

Gotta get that pyromaniac

tramp with my leg.

She ain't no tramp. Give me

back my crutches right now.

You give me back...

[gun firing]

Y'all ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

We are tryin' to honor the

life of a good woman here today,

and y'all are ruinin' it!

Noleta you came in here

just seekin' trouble.

Now you get outta my

bar, get yourself a room

at the Galaxy Motel.

And G.W., stop this damn nonsense.

You forfeited every right you

had in your marriage to Noleta.

Peggy was the one you really loved, buddy.

You loved Peggy.

I know. [crying]

Now let's show her that tonight, huh?

Okay.

I'm sorry, Wardell.

LaVonda, Hardy will give me a ride home.

I'm sure he will.

Now put your leg back on.

You see, the Supreme Court

is not the supreme being.

And I thank the Good Lord for Texas.

And I talked to Gail Wade,

our county clerk, today,

and Tinky Walker, our Justice of the Peace,

who's sittin' right back

there, y'all stand up.

Good Christian warriors.

They have assured me

that exercising their religious freedom

will no longer allow same-sex couples

to get married in Runnels County.

And you know what that means.

Gays can't get married in the church.

[audience member] Whoo-hoo!

Gays can't get married in the courthouse.

No place to get married,

nobody to marry them.

We have shut out the

sodomites, those pedophiles

will no longer persecute

good God-fearing Christians.

And tonight I proclaim that Runnels County

be a sanctuary county,

free of gay marriage,

we have stopped equality.

Oh, no, you haven't.

Sister, do you have somethin' to say?

Oh, yes, brother. I have plenty to say.

Well, all right, let's hear

what the good sister has to say.

Come on, Sissy, grab your Bible.

I got it.

My son is gay.

And, um, my sweet Aunt Sissy here

has been doin' research on his behalf.

Read the Bible from cover to cover.

Sissy, what does Jesus

say about homosexuality?

Not one blessed word.

- That is not true.

- Yes, it is.

First Corinthians.

That was Paul, not Jesus.

If you have a degree in

theology, get it right.

Jesus said nothing.

Nothing.

Do you believe in all the Bible?

- Of course we do.

- [audience affirming]

Then why do you eat bacon?

Deuteronomy 14:
8.

"And the swine, it is unclean unto you.

You shall not eat their flesh."

The Bible says to all of us who eat bacon

and pig's feet,

and pork chops,

and Dorito sausage casserole,

that eatin' pork is wrong.

But bacon is good, and we eat it 'cause

this scripture don't make a lick of sense.

That's the Old Testament,

Jesus gave us the new law.

That includes me gettin' to eat bacon.

Yet Vera, you were the first to scream amen

when the pastor read

from the Old Testament,

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