A Voyage Round My Father Page #3

[ Indistinct conversations]

[Water running]

Keep the envelopes.

For the stamps?

To put the fish in

on Sunday nights.

The fish is disgusting.

Put in envelopes

and post it down the bogs.

Why in envelopes?

Well, you just can't put bits

of fish.

Not straight in your pocket.

Is your mother slim?

Fairly slim.

Is your father good at golf?

Pretty good.

My mother's slim as a bluebell.

Well, mine's quite slim, too,

really.

She goes to cocktail parties.

Slim as a bluebell.

With yellow eyes.

- Yellow?

- Like a panther.

Oh. I see.

Very small feet.

High heels, of course.

Does your mother wear

high heels?

Whenever she goes

to cocktail parties.

She wears them then.

My mother wears high heels

even at breakfast.

Of course,

she's slim as a bluebell.

But November the 11th brought

embarrassing revelations.

[Bell ringing]

[ Bugle plays]

HEADMASTER:
O Lord,

inasmuch as we are now paraded

on Lower School field

on this Armistice Day,

help us, Lord of hosts, to

remember those old Cliffhangers

who fell upon alien soil

in the late great match.

Grant us their spirit,

we beseech thee...

[Thunder crashes]

O Lord,

that we may go over the top to

our Common Entrance examination

and our football fixtures

armed with the cold steel

of thy holy word.

Give us, if thy will be done,

give us the great opportunity

to shed our blood for our

country and our beloved school

and fill us with that feeling

of sportsmanship

which led our fathers

to fix bayonets

and fight

until the last whistle blew.

We shall now sing the concluding

song on our hymn sheet,

"God of Our Fathers,

Known of Old."

[Organ plays]

God of our fathers,

known of old

Lord of our far-flung

battle line

Beneath whose awful hands

we hold

Dominion over palm and pine

Lord God of hosts,

be with us yet

FATHER:
Oh, she was

as beautiful as a butterfly

F And as proud as a queen F

Was pretty little

Polly Perkins

Of Paddington Green

...the shouting dies

The captains

and the kings...

'Twas the bow-legged conductor

of a tuppenny bus

F Oh... F

[ indistinct conversations]

Your mother doesn't look

much like a panther.

That isn't my mother.

She's not much

of a bluebell either.

Who is she, then?

Just the dear, good old soul

who promised to look after me.

When?

When they smuggled me out

of Russia after the revolution.

They smuggled me out

in a wickerwork trunk.

I was 10 days and nights

on the rack in the carriage

of the Siberian Railway.

When I was a boy,

I never minded the lessons.

I just resented having to work

so terribly hard at games.

He'!-

My parents are getting

a divorce.

Why?

Are they unfaithful?

Oh, always.

I told you... My mother

goes to cocktail parties.

Mind, here they come.

The boys are going to put on

an entertainment.

Oh, I like an entertainment.

[ Laughs ]

What is it, then?

Something out of Boy's Own?

- I wrote it.

- You what?

I'm sure Reigate helped.

Didn't you, Reigate?

He didn't help.

We hope it will keep you

from thinking

o-of your great unhappiness.

MOTHER:

Reigate's got your greatcoat,

and the boy's wearing

your old Sam Browne.

[Screeching]

You can see Reigate's artistic.

He's making

a very lively performance.

- Bill?

- Who is it?

It's me, Bill.

It's Harry.

Harry.

I-l can't see you, old fellow.

It's this damn gas everywhere.

Take my hand.

Where are you?

Out here by the wire.

Listen.

What?

They've stopped strafing.

I say, if we ever get back

to the old country...

What?

I want you to marry Helen.

You said you'd never let Helen

marry a chap

who'd flunked the top

diving board at Roehampton.

Never mind what I said, Harry.

I saw you today

on the north redoubt.

You were in there

batting for England.

You shall have my little sister,

boy.

My hand on it.

I can't feel your hand, Bill.

I can't see you, Harry.

I'm cold.

I'm afraid

we'll never see England again.

What's the matter with us?

We're dead, old fellow.

Can't you understand?

We're both of us dead.

[ Laughs 1

Dead.

That's what we are, Bill.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Laughs ] How very killing.

Dead!

[ Laughs ]

Come and have your tea now,

boys.

Clifford.

[ Laughing 1

Quite right, boys.

If they ever give us

another war,

avoid the temptation

to do anything heroic.

That's my advice to you.

Sorry you're leaving?

Not altogether.

Chass, boy!

Chass!

- [ Music ends]

- I'm leaving, too.

Perhaps you heard.

Yes, I know, sir.

Lydia left yesterday.

We had to make our own beds.

Yes, Lydia has left.

I've abdicated.

So has the poor old king.

Him as well?

He broadcast this afternoon.

We all heard him

on Noah's radiogram.

The king has given up everything

for love.

I told you

we had a lot in common.

- [ Music resumes]

- Take my advice.

Don't give up everything

for love.

No, I won't, sir.

It's just not on, that's all.

Just simply not on.

Are you going to Noah's talk?

It's for all of us leavers.

The one where he tells you

the facts of life?

I've heard quite enough

about them to be going on with.

HEADMASTER:
Now,

what was I going to tell you?

Ah, yes.

I feel I ought to warn you

about dreams.

You'll have them.

Oh, certainly

you will have them.

And in the morning

you may say to yourself,

"You rotter to have had

a dream like that."

Well, you can't help it.

That's all.

You simply can't help them.

Not dreams.

Of course, if you're awake,

you can do something about it.

You can change into a pair

of shorts

and go for a run across country

or get into a bath

and turn on the cold tap.

You can always do that.

Your housemaster

will understand.

He'll understand if you should

have been up to a French lesson

or Matins or some such thing.

Just say,

"Sir, I had to have a bath,"

or go for a run

or whatever it is.

You just say to Mr. Raffles

or Humphrey Stiggler

or Percy Parr,

just say, "Mr. Raffles,"

or, "Mr. Parr,"

dependent on what school

you're at, of course,

"that, sir, is what I felt

the need to do."

He'll understand perfectly.

Now, another thing.

When sleeping,

always lie on the right side.

Not on the face,

for obvious reasons.

Not on the left side.

Stops the heart.

Not on the back.

It encourages dreams.

Just the right side

all the time.

Now to the most serious problem

you're likely to run up against.

Friends.

You may find that a boy from

another class or house, even,

comes up to you and says,

"Let's be friends,"

or even offers you

a slice of cake.

Now, that's a simple one,

a perfectly simple one

to deal with.

Just say very loudly,

"I'm going straight to tell

the housemaster!"

Straightaway.

No hesitation about it.

Remember, the only real drawback

to our great public school

system is unsolicited cake.

Is that very clear?

Go straight and tell

the housemaster.

- Do you have dreams?

- Not very much.

- I once dreamt about the fish.

- What?

All that fish they gave us

on Sunday nights

that we put down the loo.

I dreamt that it came swimming

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes