A Voyage Round My Father Page #6

And, uh, your children,

I believe,

are really quite attractive,

for children.

He gets on marvelously

with them.

And then you will have, uh,

your own bits and pieces

of furniture.

A fine bedroom suite,

they tell me,

in a good state of preservation.

You know, you're quite a catch,

if you want my honest opinion.

Well, then,

you ought to be glad for him.

For him? Oh, no, no.

Look here.

I say seriously, joking apart,

you're not gonna marry him,

are you?

I mean, he's got no assets

of any kind.

Not even a kitchen cupboard.

And there's something else.

He won't like it, you know,

if you catch the flu.

- Really?

- Oh, yes.

Most people are sympathetic

towards illness.

They're kind if people develop

high temperatures.

They even cosset them.

But not him.

Oh, no.

One sneeze and he'll be off

in the opposite direction.

I thought it was me

you might disapprove of.

Oh, why ever?

Well, think he's marrying

someone unsuitable.

Oh, no.

I mean, you have particularly

nice eyes, they tell me.

Thank you.

Couldn't you do better

than someone who bolts

when you get 2 degrees

above normal?

I hadn't thought about it.

Oh, well, do.

Do think about it.

Think about it seriously.

You could do better than that.

I'm prepared to take a bet

on it.

It's getting cold.

I'll take you in.

In that case,

my father's advocacy failed.

In time,

he became reconciled to me

as a husband

for his daughter-in-law.

- Good evening.

- Oh, uh, hello, there.

Well?

10 guineas for that divorce.

Oh, darling, that's marvelous.

Thank God for adultery.

I had to get them new vests.

What do they do

with their vests?

Here's my opinion...

They eat their vests.

- Oh, and, uh, knicker linings.

- Oh, God.

- They need new knicker linings.

- Don't go mad.

I don't get paid for years

in the law.

Can't you ask for it?

Well, of course not.

George collects the fees.

- Who's George?

- Our clerk.

- It's his department.

- I thought his name was Henry.

Well, it is,

but Father calls him George.

Why on earth does he do that?

Because Father had a clerk

called George

who got killed on the Somme.

So when Henry took over, Father

went on calling him George.

Well, Henry doesn't much

like that, if you ask me.

George doesn't mind.

You always think no one minds

about your Father.

Shall we go to the pub?

What on?

Family allowance.

All right.

I'll get Susan down.

Shall we play bar billiards?

Oh, like the night

when Peter walked in.

Do you remember?

And said, "This is the end

of our marriage."

I see you've become

entirely trivial."

Do you miss Peter?

No.

Do you?

No.

Of course not.

- I'm sorry.

- What about?

The knicker linings.

Oh, that's marriage.

Hm.

What's marriage?

"An unexpectedly large

expenditure on soap powder,

children's vests,

and other suchlike luxuries."

And who's that a quotation from?

[ Chuckles ]

In his chambers, my father,

smelling of eau de cologne

and occasional cigars,

sat among his relics...

the blown duck egg

on which a client's will

had once been written,

the caricatures of himself

infamous cases.

FATHER:

Timing is of great importance

in the art of cross-examination.

Now...

[inhales deeply]

I often start by counting...

in silence, of course...

up to 43

before starting

a cross-examination.

What ever for?

The witness imagines

that you're thinking up

some deadly dangerous question.

- Are you?

- No, of course not.

I'm just counting up to 43.

But it unnerves

the customer in the box.

I see.

What is... What's the point

of all this, actually?

Oh.

The point, my dear boy, the

point is to down your opponent,

to obliterate

whoever's agin you.

That's what the point of it is.

And, of course,

to, uh, have a bit of fun

while you're about it.

[Whispering] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

15,16,17,18,19.

[ Inhales, exhales deeply]

Are you intending to ask

any questions?

I'm sorry, my lord.

Well, if you have a question

to ask, ask it.

We can't all wait

while you stand

in silent prayer, you know.

Will you read that letter out

to us, please, madam?

Read it out aloud.

I can't.

Madam... the court is waiting.

I really can't.

Is there something

in that letter

which you would rather not

remember?

No.

Not exactly.

Then read it to us, madam.

Then could I borrow

your glasses?

[I Laughter]

30...

40...

Whoo!

[Laughing ] Oh.

My father retired on nothing

but credit, optimism,

and the determination not to

think of anything unpleasant.

0K8'!-

His money had gone on cigars

and barrels of oysters

and eau de cologne

for his handkerchief

and always first class

on the railway

and great, rare Japanese cherry

trees that rustted in the wind

and flowered for two weeks

a year

in a green-while shower

he never saw.

I'll get in it with you

this time.

Wait for me!

- [ Cork POPS 1

- Om

SON:
Wheel

What's this?

It sounds like a celebration.

I won!

Clarkson v. Clarkson.

- Oh?

- After five days.

Aha!

That means five refreshers!

They insisted on fighting the

divorce every inch of the way.

- Terribly litigious.

- FATHERI What?

- MOTHER:
Very festive.

- Yes, yes.

Just like a wedding.

FATHER:

What was that?

Uh, what did you say?

MOTHER:
He's offering you

a glass of champagne.

Oh.

Uh, thank you.

SON:
Mother?

I'm glad you can afford

this sort of thing, dear boy,

now you've pinched

all my business.

[ Both laugh ]

Cheers.

- SON:
Cheers. Cheers.

- MOTHER:
Oh.

You know what would go down

very well with this champagne?

What, dear?

A dry biscuit?

No. [Chuckles]

The crossword.

[ Laughs 1

- I'll get n.

- Yes.

I thought... I mean, in that

Clarkson v. Clarkson,

I thought you were for

the husband.

Well, of course

I was for the husband.

Wasn't he the man

who insisted on his wife

tickling the soles of his feet

for hours at a stretch?

Only while they watched

television.

With a contraption.

A foot tickler.

Ingenious.

The whole thing was worked out

by a system of weights

and pulleys.

But the actual act was performed

by an old pipe cleaner.

Ought he to have won?

I won.

Yes, but ought you?

The judge said that it was part

of the wear and tear

of married life.

I mean,

how did they feel about it?

Well, they did look

a little confused.

Perhaps they didn't appreciate

the rules of the game.

I enjoyed it.

[Sighs]

You get more like him every day.

In his old age,

my father's chief sport

was starting arguments.

Music.

I can't imagine

anybody actually liking music.

The immortality of the soul.

What a boring conception.

Can't imagine anything worse

than living for infinity

in some great transcendental

hotel

with nothing to do

in the evening.

- What's the time?

- Half past 8:
00.

Hm!

Time's nipping along nicely.

You know, nothing narrows

the mind like foreign travel.

Stay at home.

That's the best way

to see the world.

I don't know that's true.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, yes.

Of course it's true.

I'll tell you something else,

Elizabeth.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes