A Voyage Round My Father Page #7

There's a lot of sorry stuff

in D.H. Lawrence.

- I don't know about that either.

- Oh, yes, there is.

And I'll tell you

something else.

There's a lot of damned

dull stuff in old Proust.

[ Laughs 1

Do you hear that, Elizabeth?!

A lot of damned dull stuff

in old Proust!

Yes, I heard.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, I'll say one thing

for you.

You're an improvement on

the ones he used to bring home.

Gals who closeted themselves in

the bathroom for hours on end.

Nothing to show for it.

And then none of them lasted

very long.

I wonder why.

Yes. I wonder.

After all,

my son is someone to talk to.

Most parents have

damned dull children.

That you?

Yes. It's me.

Yeah.

They tell me that play of yours

came across pretty well.

- Yes.

- Yes.

That other fellow's play

was very well reviewed.

You'd better watch out or he'll

put your nose out of joint.

I've not been sleeping well

lately.

When I can't sleep, you know,

I-I make a list

of all the things I really hate.

"Vegetarian banquet."

Two words.

Is it a long list?

Bean feast.

What?

No. Not very long.

Runny eggs, of course.

Uh, cold plates.

Uh, waiting for things.

- Parsons.

- Parsons?

Yes. Parsons.

On the wireless.

Oh, if they bore God as much as

they bore me, I'm sorry for him.

My father's a parson.

Oh, yes, I know.

Oh. "Nymph, in thy orisons

be all my sins remember'd."

- [ Buzzing ]

- What... What... What is that?

- Is that a wasp?!

- MOTHER:
Yes.

W-Well, what's it doing?!

Going away.

[ Breathing heavily]

When you've been troubled

by a wasp, don't you love a fly?

[ Chuckles ]

Do you find the evenings

very long now you're married?

Don't you find it

tremendously tedious?

What do you do...

have the wireless?

No, we don't get bored exactly.

We can always fight.

You know, I was surprised

about that play of yours.

- Were you?

- Yes.

When you told us the story,

I said,

"Well, this is a bit thin."

But you seemed to... seemed to

have come across quite well.

Didn't that surprise you,

Elizabeth?

- Well, I...

- She doesn't like it.

FATHER:

Uh, what?

Elizabeth doesn't like it

very much.

Really?

How interesting.

Tell me, why not?

Not serious.

You think not.

You think he's not serious?

He plays games and makes jokes.

When the time comes

to say anything serious,

- it's as if he's...

- Oh, for heaven's sake.

No, no.

Go on, go on.

Well, it's as if there's

something stopping him

- all the time.

- Really?

Ah.

I wonder what that could be.

Hm.

Well, I should think you'd know.

Why?

Because you've never really said

anything serious to him,

have you?

Nobody here ever says anything.

They tell stories

and make jokes.

And somethings happening.

Elizabeth, it doesn't always

have to be said.

Sometimes.

Sometimes it has to.

FATHER:

Well...[ Sighs 1

What do you want to hear

from me, huh?

[ Laughs 1

What words of wisdom, hmm?

Beautiful as a butterfly

F And as proud as a queen F

Was pretty little

Polly Perkins

He had no message.

I think he had no belief.

He was the advocate

who can take the side

that comes to him first

and always find words

to anger his opponent.

FATHER:

And one...

And when the children came

to see him,

he told them no more

and no less than he'd told me.

Our little Anne's getting

so pretty.

FATHER:
Three!

Your little Anne's lovely.

So are our Daniel and Jennifer.

I'd like to have done a drawing

of Anne.

Perhaps a pastel.

Well, why don't you?

Oh, I gave up drawing

when I got married.

I mean, you have to, don't you?

Give up things

when you get married.

Do you?

Now, of course,

there isn't time.

Doesn't he ever leave you

half an hour to yourself?

He doesn't like to be left.

I suppose I often think

one day I'll be alone.

You can't help thinking.

What will you do?

Travel?

Go to France?

Well, for one thing,

I shan't dig the garden.

The enormous garden

became dark and overgrown

in spreading patches.

GIRL:

Oh, Daddy, it hurts!

Willow herb and thistles

and bright poppies grew up.

A nettle?

The fruit cage collapsed

like a shaken temple,

and weeds supported

the tangled netting.

The rhododendrons and yew

hedges grew high as a jungle,

tall and dark and uncontrolled,

Ht with unexpected owers.

FATHER:

[ Chuckles ]

Women can be useful

occasionally. [ Laughs]

- ELIZABETH:
Can they'?

- Yes, yes.

I've often said to George,

"Let's have a woman in chambers."

Women work so much harder

than men.

Look how seriously

girls' schools take lacrosse.

They treat the law like that.

"I could get a ridiculous amount

of work from a woman pupil."

And what does George say?

Oh, he says there's not

the toilet facilities.

But, you know,

old Carter Davidson had

a woman pupil.

He occupied the basement

of our chambers,

rooms that could easily be seen

from the garden,

where the masters of the King's

Bench strolled after dinner.

Well, they were strolling there,

history relates,

after some grand night with,

uh, some royal personage...

king, queen, princess,

something of the kind.

And they glanced down,

and what did they see?

ELIZABETH:

Well, what?

Carter Davidson and

his woman pupil naked as puppies

stretched out

on the Persian rug.

[ Laughing ]

And noth... noth... noth-

Nothing was said.

- But do you know what?

- [ Laughing ] What?

A very few days later,

Sir Carter Davidson

was appointed chief justice

of the Seaward Isles.

They shipped him 10,000 miles

from the Inns of Court,

and he... he...

he never understood why.

[ Both laugh ]

Well, that's one way to get

a bloomin' knighthood!

[ Laughing 1

[ Gasping 1

ELIZABETH:

Are you all right?

[ Wheezing ]

Carter Davidson and...

nearly did for me.

ELIZABETH:

[Sighs]

My father began to chronicle

the garden's progress

in his diary.

Put sodium chlorate

on the front path.

Had raspberry tart

with our own raspberries.

The dahlias

are coming into bloom.

The jays are eating

all the peas.

[Thunder crashes]

Today a dragonfly flew

into the sitting room.

Am laid up.

Unhappily, I had to miss the

destruction of the wasps' nests.

[ Tapping 1

It looks very comfortable, dear.

[ Grunts ]

It's impossible.

A...bath chair!

You'll be very glad of it,

- if I know anything about it.

- What did he say?

Doctor says you'll be very glad

of it,

- if he knows anything about it.

- Ah, but does he?

Isn't that the point?

Does he know anything about it?!

I am qualified.

Well, the world is filled

with qualified lawyers

who don't know the difference

between rape

and indecent assault

and qualified architects whose

roofs blow off in a high wind

and qualified gardeners

who can't tell bindweed

from polygonum!

Are you an exception

to the laws of nature?

DOCTOR:

Are you?

I should think

you're tired of standing up.

Hm.

Well, how am I gonna get

this thing into the rose bed?!

[ Grunting ]

[ Panting ]

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

What a business.

In the summer, with the garden

at its most turbulent...

he became suddenly very old

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